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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you don't shout 'just be normal!' At a four year old

48 replies

ohlittlepea · 30/09/2018 07:14

Settle something for me. Me and DH have different parenting styles and I'm trying to find some middle ground to make things more consistent for our kids. I annoy him in that I think I just find it a bit easier just to enjoy the kids company, I am reasonably patient, and laid back and try to use distraction/pick my battles. I do use discipline and do do time out/telling off when I feel a boundary has been crossed but I think we maybe draw the lines in different places? I don't always make him bad cop, but he's likely to step in quicker than me and use words I probably wouldn't use. I see him as a bit of a buzz kill with the kids sometimes..think I type cast him.in my head into Victor meldrew which probably isn't helpful. We've had a nice but hectic week and currently on a family weekend away. There's been the usual less sleep, more treats which are always a recipe for stirling behaviour from kids. Last night we got to around six and our four year old was happy but hyper singing songs about poo, including the classic 'let's go fly a poo up to the highest loo'. Her and cousins giggling together...no one was trying to go to sleep or read or anything so I let them get on with it while warming their drinks thinking once these are dome they'll be drinking them and stop. Husband lost it 'DC why can't you just be quiet for 30 seconds!!!!' ' Pea can you male her be quiet!!!!!' 'For once in your life just be NORMAL!!!!' In a pretty cold Disney villain kind of way. AIBU to think 4 year olds font know how to be normal? And that itd be pretty boring if they were....and that poo is quite funny..

OP posts:

0hCrepe · 30/09/2018 07:56

What was he trying to do at the time? If it was putting him off something that’s annoying otherwise why couldn’t he just have gone into another room? Or maybe another adult gave a judgemental look which made him suddenly feel that your dd was overstepping a mark? Just wondering why he suddenly got angry?

Abitlost2015 · 30/09/2018 07:56

In my experience these ideas of how children should behave / how parenting should be are guided by our own childhood experiences.

Abitlost2015 · 30/09/2018 07:57

Sorry hit post too soon!
...
And therefore very hard to change.

Believeitornot · 30/09/2018 07:59

Why does it have to be more consistently your way? It sounds like you do the majority of the parenting but actually want it to be your way because he’s like a grumpy old man?

What if he has a point about pandering? Do you find yourself trying to balance out his way which can mean you go too far ie too relaxed?

What happens when the dcs Cross a boundary?

The kids need consistency and firmness. Which you both agree on.

NotAgainYoda · 30/09/2018 08:03

He is letting his frustration spew out and not questioning whether that's right or not. I think it's really worrying, actually. If he can't be reflective about his behaviour that that's pretty poor parenting.

lornathewizzard · 30/09/2018 08:05

Well yeah he can't very well encourage the poo talk and then shout at her for it, not great.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 30/09/2018 08:14

If I'm being completely honest I do find the silly songs/phrases and general giddiness at certain ages quite irritating. It's definitely one of those things where tolerance levels vary.

That said it is normal but your DH seems to have gone from 0 to 60. From dcs pov they were playing and having fun and suddenly they're being shouted at and told off. For once in your life be normal is a bit nasty imo. He seems to lack patience and if that's his usual form he will be the grumpy, joy sucker parent with dc walking on eggshells around him. I have one of those and he's the same as a GP unfortunately!

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 30/09/2018 08:23

Your DC is 4! My youngest is 4 and of my OH shouted at him and friends for being good at being 4 I would ask him to leave the room. It’s terribly scary having a adult shouting at you at that age. Fun with cousins at sleep overs are the some of the fondest memories I have growing up and that didn’t include some miserable arse bursting in and shouting! I would be having a word with him and agree of your approach going forward. You don’t want him thinking that it’s ok to behave like that when he has DC over from school on play dates.....as I don’t think fellow school mums and dads would be very happy to hear that your husband goes round shouting at the DC

H1dingInSight · 30/09/2018 09:20

I’d be pretty close to shouting in his place too. My tolerance for noise is low. I’ve learnt to walk away when I can, but sometimes I can’t and then I just have to grit my teeth.

still shudder to recall the awful car journey when I was 7 and my brother was 4, when he sang “Oh dear, what can the matter be? the Blackwall Tunnel got stuck in the lavatory” on loop for well over an hour. My dad and I were literally twitching by the time we got home; my mum didn’t mind onebit and was even humming along by the end.

Lalliella · 30/09/2018 09:37

Oh dear, I’d have been joining in with the singing! Kids need to have fun, especially on a family weekend. Life’s too short to curb enjoyment of it. Your DH needs to lighten up.

Dahlietta · 30/09/2018 09:42

There's never been any singing about poo in my house and if there were I would nip it in the bud (not by shouting "Just be normal!"). He can't encourage it at one time and then shout about it at another though. You say you think your SIL agreed with him - was he trying to win her approval perhaps?

LuvSmallDogs · 30/09/2018 11:02

I think we all get a bit fed up with loud, hyper 4 year olds singing and so on, but really he could have gone out the room for 5 minutes if he felt it was getting to him so much. My 4 y/o will never know how often “mummy needs a wee” is really “mummy needs to not listen to this and breathe”.

IchFliegeNach · 30/09/2018 11:41

He needs to learn how to address these issues himself without over reacting or being nasty.
Why is it up to you to explain your parenting to him and not the other way round?

'Normal' parent reaction to this would be the 'ok, ok, shall we sing something else?' Or the old classic 'I have a great game...who can be quiet the longest?' 😂

Even if he wants to be all 'strict dad', he could just say 'ok that's enough of that. Can we quieten down a bit please?'
(Which would have me labelling him a bit of a killjoy, but each to their own)

His reaction is disproportionate and inappropriate, especially in company.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2018 11:52

I'd be massively pissed off at DH shouting at DS that he needs to be normal. What the hell is normal and why do we all want to be it.

If he'd asked them to stop singing and they hadn't OK tell them off but he I would be unimpressed that he is constantly losing his temper at a 4 Yr old being a typical 4 Yr okd

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 30/09/2018 11:59

Although it's "normal " 4 year old behavior, it sounds annoying. My 5 year old is the same,constant poo talk and after asking her nicely to stop for the 2372 time in day, I do admit I end up shouting at her to stop acting like a two year old.
She's obviously not scarred as she still does it😐

I can see it from your dh point of view and also yours.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2018 12:15

I end up shouting at her to stop acting like a two year old
But she ISN'T acting like a 2 Yr old, she's acting like a 4 Yr old. Just like op's child IS being "normal"

SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2018 12:15

Sorry, 5 Yr old

skunkatanka · 30/09/2018 12:30

I think this is really sad. This was a weekend away with family and cousins. Frankly if you can't let your 4 year old be a bit silly in those circumstances then when can you? Egging on your children and encouraging them to be silly when it suits you then snapping at them when they do as asked is awful. I know parents like this and their children turn into very insecure, unsettled teens. Children need consistency and stability- not ever changing rules. Seriously, in our house, I'd have been joining in and helping them to write the chorus but maybe that's just me....

Duskqueen · 30/09/2018 12:35

I think he was wrong for saying why can't you be normal, that is normal for a 4 year old, but I get that after a while it can get rather annoying. I love my kids to bits and love See If the 2 of them play together DD(4) and DS(1) but sometimes when they are being very loud and have been for a while it can get almost like finger nails down a chalk board, especially if you are trying to do something that requires concentration. I just tend to say that's enough now and try and get them to do something else.

Broken11Girl · 30/09/2018 12:39

The inconsistency is the aspect that most bothers me, growing up never knowing what's ok and what isn't, watching your parent's moods is very damaging.
'Just be normal for once' is also an awful thing to say.

SputnikBear · 30/09/2018 12:44

Some people just can’t handle noise. I can’t stand having the tv on unless we’re actually watching it. I don’t like having music on either. My tolerance for background noise is about 30 minutes before I start to get grumpy. So I am totally with your DH in getting irritated.

stripeszebra · 30/09/2018 12:56

DH needs to manage his outbursts. You are fine, and so are your DCs. His issue. Nasty man. It's POO not a racist chant.

Toomuchworking · 30/09/2018 13:15

I have a similar issue with the other half, I'm afraid I don't have anything useful to say, but that poo/kite song made me snigger my coffee out of my nose on a very stressful day so thank you. I'm off to teach it to my 3 year old so we can annoy daddy as a team.
Oh I do find telling DH to calm his tits really helps a lot.

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