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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lazy parent or accepting help?

37 replies

Geknock · 30/09/2018 02:22

I have a beautiful 9 week old who was not in any way planned but I hope loved all the same. (I know I love her an care for her but often I still feel I'm just looking after her for a period of time iykwim).

I have been offered lots of help from friends and familyI , especially my mum, which means potentially once every few weeks I could have an entire night off from being mum. While I'm not entirely struggling I do find myself needing a little extra support.

I've searched before on Google about a new baby being looked after by grandparents and seen that mum's feel you are being lazy or selfish for letting other people look after your child (A you chose to have them their your responsibility veiw).
While I haven't asked specifically for my parents to have her once a month over night I know they would and I feel I would benefit from the stress free period.

I recently stayed over my mum's with the LO and even looking after her myself all night I it was nice knowing their was another person who would wake in the morning and take her if ji needed to just chill (have a hot coffee or even TIM have a poo!)

So am AIBU by either staying at my parents once a month or more or letting my LO stay with them ect.

I have struggled with severe social anxiety and because of that depression before so have been active in asking for help with potential pndp which is why I'm unsure if I'm lazy or just being proactive.

Am I preventing depression or am I avoiding parenthood?

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 30/09/2018 02:25

Do it! Honestly, not everyone has a good support network and if you do then utilise it as best you can. Nothing wrong with the odd night off, your baby will be grand!

Rtmhwales · 30/09/2018 02:26

I’m surprised you’d even question this.

Jump at the chance. It is good for your mental health to have a bit of a break. Motherhood especially in the early days is relentless. You didn’t say but is the dad around? Surely nobody would query this if you were leaving the baby with him overnight (then again this is MN so maybe somebody would..).

I’m sure someone will be round momentarily to tell you they’d NEVER leave their orescious baby for even a moment in the first year of the baby’s life but I left my DS overnight w my mum when he was ten weeks old to get an entire night’s rest (lone parent here) and it made me feel capable of being a better mother. DS came out no worse for wear and my mum loved it.

LivLemler · 30/09/2018 02:33

Are you a single parent? I feel like it would really take a lot of effort to be a lazy single parent. Grin

Go for it. Once a month is nothing. And if your parents are happy for you to stay over more often so you have some company and a helping hand, go for it. Sounds like you're doing a great job. Smile

TeddyIsaHe · 30/09/2018 02:41

God do it! My daughter goes to my parents every Thursday morning and comes back Friday afternoon and I relish that time. Doesn’t make me a bad parent/lazy, but it means I can shower for longer than 3 minutes, sort out the house and drink wine with no guilt! I’m a single parent so I don’t get a break otherwise.

Goostacean · 30/09/2018 02:43

I recently asked a similar question: the thread may be helpful. I say go for it!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3364443-Weekly-overnight-stay-at-GPs?pg=1&order=

Love51 · 30/09/2018 02:47

I wouldn't take help with mine and was exhausted for years. I was an idiot. My kids (now at Primary) would love me just as much if they had spent a few overnights with Grandparents!

Original poster
Geknock · 30/09/2018 02:49

Gosh thank you of being so lovely. Yes dad is around but because it wasn't a planned baby and we hadn't been together long and he's only 21 I stressed with how much I expected him to do ( he tried but struggled with a sleepless screaming newborn) and I tried to Do it all alone giving him time to adjust to the whole concept of giving near on a whole pay check and all your energy to a baby (which he made clear to the HV he didn't love or like at out 4 week check) shes smilng now and he has started taking charge and puts her to sleep and will take her when I just want a minute so the need for the overnight get away is less but I still feel that martydom new mum's seem to feel that I should be able to look after my baby myself. I wasn't sure if those 'I never left my child till they were 50!' We're jealous or telling me to buck up and carry on.

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 30/09/2018 02:57

It's good to accept help when offered especially from loving grandparents, and your little one will only benefit from having a relationship with them from the start.

Starlight345 · 30/09/2018 03:02

Are you actually still in a relationship with Dad . Only 21 isn’t young to be able to support you.
Yes take the support. Some people couldn’t go out and leave thier baby at that age , some could . Neither are bad parents, just different parents.
Having someone unsupportive around is worse than having no one.

I think you also need to stop worrying about what other people do . Parenting has many ways to get to the same point

valleyplaza · 30/09/2018 03:03

You are not a lazy parent! Everyone needs a breather, and if you are offered help and want to take it do. You need to be nice to yourself.

TheStopAndChat · 30/09/2018 03:09

Take the offer OP. Let your mum have your baby as often as YOU are comfortable. Once a week, once a fortnight, once a month. Whatever.

DO NOT listen to those who will tell you a baby needs to be with you 24/7 because it is NOT true. Don't listen to those who want to tell you how they feel guilty if baby is in the next room! There is no rule that says you have to be a martyr. There are no positives to that. The kids of those parents are definitely no better off.

Anything that helps YOU enjoy your baby and feel good about parenting is going to be beneficial to the both of you.

BretonStripe · 30/09/2018 03:19

Do it! Mine went to in-laws about once a week/fortnight from 6 weeks ish for a few months. Then ad-hoc when needed for years.

It's not lazy or selfish AT ALL. You need to look after yourself in order to be the best parent you can be. You'll both enjoy the break and look forward to seeing each other the next day. And it's a lovely way for your Mum to bond with her grandaughter (Mums love to feel needed and wanted ime) Enjoy Smile

Original poster
Geknock · 30/09/2018 03:24

I really can't thank you all enough for the supportive words!

I know there might be a worry about my partner helping. He has all ways tried to help but because it was a nightmare getting our LO to sleep for the first 6 weeks (I was awake for 24 hours once while she was awake for 10 hours with only 2 10 minute naps with, the help of grandparents) he aĺways offered to help In other ways.

He cooks all dinners and is always hovering offering help with bottle washing and any thing. he just worries about his own ability to look after the baby ( assuming what ever he did was wrong even though I had no idea myself)

OP posts:
pumkinspicetime · 30/09/2018 03:24

It is neither lazy or selfish, take all of the support that those around you offer you. It is much easier to look after DC when you are being supported yourself.

Sequencedress · 30/09/2018 05:52

Take it! Grasp all the help you can get with both hands, and if anyone says anything tell them the vipers told you to! You sound quite young OP (not a criticism, I was a younger mum in my very early 20s) so I get why you worry what people think. 15 years on? Couldn’t give a shit what people think about my parenting if i tried. It’s all about survival, and the ‘perfect parents’ rarely are behind closed doors. Take the help, keep yourself sane, and enjoy your baby. You’re doing great! Flowers

Rebecca36 · 30/09/2018 06:20

As long as your daughter is used to your mum, grab the opportunity with both hands! It's marvellous to have some time to yourself, make the most of it. A refreshed mum is a better mum. In my opinion. I was never refreshed and could have done with it!

pinkstripeycat · 30/09/2018 06:20

It’s a good idea! Do it. Your LO will be able to form a lovely close bond with her grandparents and you can have a rested night each month

fraggle84 · 30/09/2018 06:32

Definitely accept the help.

I did similar when ds was 2 months old, once a month he'd stay at my parents and it's been fantastic for their relationship. They'd plan some special things to do with him the day after too.

It made a huge difference too as unfortunately I was unwell and ended up in hospital for 5 days when he was around 9 months and he was absolutely settled with my parents for a few nights so dh could come and visit me after work

I think it's much better for the children to be happy with others rather solely reliant on you 24/7

Ds is now almost 7 and still asks to go once a month for his sleepover!!

ISaySteadyOn · 30/09/2018 06:39

You could think of it a little differently. It seems to me that your mum is looking after her baby (you) because she loves you and wants you to be ok. Nothing wrong with accepting help and support.

RedorBlack · 30/09/2018 06:46

Welcome to Mum guilt! It likes to hover and tell you all your decisions are wrong. Shake it off, take the help and allow yourself to relax.

bushtailadventures · 30/09/2018 06:46

Do it! My dd and dgd live with us, and while she was determined to do everything herself I was allowed to help a little with the odd night feed. Now, as I am up early anyway, I have an hour every morning where it is just me and dgd, it's lovely and she gets quite irrate if her DM gets up too, it's our time as far as she is concerned.

It sounds as if your parents are quite happy to have her too, and there is nothing wrong with a grandchild bonding with her grandparents, no matter what a few people on the internet might say.

Sipperskipper · 30/09/2018 07:03

You sound like an absolutely lovely mum.

I’m married, with a supportive husband etc, but would still happily leave DD (now 16 months) for a night off!

Having a baby certainly doesn’t mean you mustn’t think about your own needs - look after yourself too!

statetrooperstacey · 30/09/2018 07:07

Another one here saying do it. I had my grandchild for the night at a similAr age and my mum helps me a lot and did when mine were small also . I actually have him here at the moment, he's 16 months old and my dd and sil have gone away for the night. As a pp said your mum will want to look after her baby ( you) do it.

ilooovechristmas · 30/09/2018 07:09

Iv never left my daughter once in over 2 years but unfortunately for me that's because I don't have anyone to leave her with! DO IT, it's nice for your daughter to have that bond with her grandparents to so it's not just for your benefit! Think about when she's older and she always remembers the times at granny and grandads once a month ! Enjoy your night of Smile

Faster · 30/09/2018 07:11

An OP you sound so so lovely. You really do.
It’s hard because you get all these messages and pressures coming at you from every angle telling you what you should and shouldn’t do and a lot of the time what you read and hear is polar opposite to each other.
If I were in your shoes I’d accept the offers, you sound incredibly sensible and very in touch with your own emotional health and that’s wonderful, so give yourself chance to rest and recover slightly from this huge life change you’re going through.
There will come a time where you don’t question yourself quite so much about decisions you make in regards to parenting, you’ll just make the decision.