Lazy parent or accepting help?

[Geknock]

I have a beautiful 9 week old who was not in any way planned but I hope loved all the same. (I know I love her an care for her but often I still feel I'm just looking after her for a period of time iykwim).

I have been offered lots of help from friends and familyI , especially my mum, which means potentially once every few weeks I could have an entire night off from being mum. While I'm not entirely struggling I do find myself needing a little extra support.

I've searched before on Google about a new baby being looked after by grandparents and seen that mum's feel you are being lazy or selfish for letting other people look after your child (A you chose to have them their your responsibility veiw).
While I haven't asked specifically for my parents to have her once a month over night I know they would and I feel I would benefit from the stress free period.

I recently stayed over my mum's with the LO and even looking after her myself all night I it was nice knowing their was another person who would wake in the morning and take her if ji needed to just chill (have a hot coffee or even TIM have a poo!)

So am AIBU by either staying at my parents once a month or more or letting my LO stay with them ect.

I have struggled with severe social anxiety and because of that depression before so have been active in asking for help with potential pndp which is why I'm unsure if I'm lazy or just being proactive.

Am I preventing depression or am I avoiding parenthood?

Accept help. It doesn't make you lazy, we all meed a break sometimes.

When dc1 was little we used to leave her with MIL once a week while we did the weekly shop. My Dad would also have her once a week while I had a bath & dh played football (I'm not dirty, we only had a shower in our house at the time).

If you're happy with the arrangement it's brilliant for children to build strong relationships with Grandparents (& who else can tell you funny stories about what Mummy/Daddy used to get up to )

Yes! Let your mum have the baby!! Do not feel any guilt! My parents have supported me with all three of my children I am very lucky! I would let them stay out one night a month from 3 months old! My mum is very supportive and will follow what I ask.. feeding routines bath time bed time etc! My boys are now 9, 6 and 2 years and have sleep over an nanny's frequently (under her invitation) they have a wonderful relationship with their grandparents and it's lovely to have a day off to recharge now and then! I feel if you decline the offer it will be much harder in the long run for your child to adapt to leaving you! Trust me you will need the odd break when they reach the terrible twos!

Take the help as long as you are all happy with the arrangement.
Having a baby is really hard work and as much as you love them, sometimes we all need a break.
I’ve been back at work since dd was 13 weeks old and I’m not ashamed to say I enjoy being away from her. I’m very happy to see her when I get home, but the break is lovely.

I had an extremely capable and willing husband at home when dd was born and I still kick myself now for not taking the offers of help when they were offered. I damn near killed myself because I was too worried about what other people would think if my mum or Mil took dd for the night or a few hours so I could sleep. She was 18 months the first time I left her, she loved it. I think I slept for about 14 hours

Parenting is hard enough but if you are doing it alone a lot of the time it will be exhausting. Some babies are good sleepers, others aren't, then your baby starts teething or gets a cold and it becomes relentless.

So... after all that waffle... take any help offered that you feel comfortable accepting.

Definitely take any help that’s offered! I struggled with letting go with my first and worked myself into a mess because of it. With my second, once we finished breastfeeding at 6 months, both dcs go to their grandparents for overnights about once a month or so. DH and I get a night out and, even though I’m now pre-programmed not to sleep in, I do get to sit in bed with a cup of tea and MN for an hour or so which is priceless!
Accepting help will never make you a bad mum. You sound lovely. You lo is lucky to have you xx

Parenting is hard so I would say accept the help. I am a GM to 2 gorgeous DGDs aged 5 months and 3 years. When my DD and her husband had their first DD1 she hardly slept and one night a week either us or my son in laws parents would have the baby overnight to give my DD and SIL a break. Once she got older they did not do it as much as she was in a bedtime routine and so far we haven't had the 5 month overnight but she is a better sleeper. We often look after them during the day while my DD works or just goes shopping or whatever. Having a support network just eases the load and gives you a break. Gives GPS a chance to bond with their GC too. That is not lazy or selfish. No point in being a martyr and gives your DC. a chance to bond with other people. This was often done years ago when families were closer knit.

Deffo take this opportunity! You are not being lazy at all and in the end it'll benefit you all. My mum used to do this once a week once I'd gone back to work when DS was only 3 months (crap maternity leave conditions). ExP was working nights, so I'd be working days with DS at childcare and then doing waking nights for feeding. My mum used to travel a 140 mile trip, would be there for me after work and bottle feed through the night so I'd get one decent sleep per week. I love her for that, she's a bloody star.

So in essence, give not one flying f°ck what people think! Get rest where you can.

Once a month? Almost everyone would do that if they had the option. My friend with twins hired a night nurse once a week. If you were leaving your newborn baby 5 days a week I'd be concerned with bonding but what you're describing sounds like a lovely well earned rest.

It’s a win/win/win for you, your DC and your DM. Def do it!!

Absolutely do it. I found that having a break from my DC enabled me to recharge my batteries and be a better parent to them when they came back.
The way we raise children in this country is a very recent thing - for years, children were brought up being cared for by grandparents, aunts, siblings, cousins etc as well as their mum and that’s the way it still is in a lot of cultures which I think is actually healthier for everyone.

Your set-up sounds good to me. It does sound like your partner is struggling with bonding with the baby, but at least he’s present and helping in other ways, I hope that he will acknowledge this and start to work on bonding with her soon. Whilst I don’t advocate men leaving all the child rearing to women, I don’t know what you can do to enforce this, and if the current balance is working and he’s becoming more confident, then it sounds like it’s all steadily improving. Staying with grandparents once every few weeks is barely being away from your baby, IMO. Sounds like you’re solely responsible for her most of the time? I never had GP help at the newborn or even toddler stage, my DM would only help once mine were at school and pretty much independent. I would have jumped at the chance of a break, I really would have, please don’t feel guilty!!

Just because you are the responsible parent doesn't mean to say you have to do everything yourself. Getting other people to provide good quality care is also being a good parent. Bringing loving GPs and "aunties" into the mix is being a good parent.

If you suffer from social anxiety, then it's important for your MH and future parenting that you keep your social life going - if you let it drift because you feel you need to be with your baby all the time, then you will find it difficult to rekindle a social life in a few years time.