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AIBU?

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Original poster

To confront my daughter?

64 replies

Worriedmum246 · 29/09/2018 18:01

I looked at Dd’s Phone and found messages to my friends’s son basically saying they kissed. They are 13. Dd is quite open with me about any issues at school but has kept this from me. She doesn’t know I looked at phone. We agreed a while ago that she could have privacy as she is growing up. The kids don’t see each other that often and I can keep an eye on them here. Don’t want to tell her I betrayed her trust as she might shut down totally. WWYD?

OP posts:
GrandTheftWalrus · 29/09/2018 18:15

Why would you confront her over kissing?

I went to a school disco aged 12 and my mum asked when I got back if I had "winched" anyone.

Bridgetwithoutthejones · 29/09/2018 18:15

Do absolutely nothing, no need to embarrass her for something that is completely normal. You can also enjoy watching the awkwardness when they’re together around you and your friend

Babynamechange123 · 29/09/2018 18:17

I'm not sure I'd give a 13 year old full privacy of a phone to be honest. My niece was groomed at 13 by a 29 year old because her mum wasn't checking her phone due to 'giving her some privacy'.

However, she's 13, she's kissed a lad, it's really not the end of the world, it's going to happen. I wouldn't be confronting her about it.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/09/2018 18:17

Please do not say anything to her.
You'll mortify her. She'll never forgive and not to mention never trust you again.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2018 18:18

What ? Why ? Confused

StillMedusa · 29/09/2018 18:25

'Confront her'? I wouldn't start her teen years with that attitude because you are in for a heap of trouble if you do! She won't trust you with anything if you go wading in because gasp she has kissed a boy.

She's 13.. an adolescent. Normal behaviour!
There may be issues in the years ahead which do need confronting. This isn't one.

Tistheseason17 · 29/09/2018 18:25

Give her privacy.
Just a kiss, after all and she is 13.
Don't even hint that you know or you will have broken her trust and it will be difficult to get back.

chipsandgin · 29/09/2018 18:25

Er, nothing - she's 13, that is perfectly normal and if you want to keep the channels of communication open rather than spend the next five years knowing nothing or being lied to then keep schtum and do absolutely nothing/say nothing and don't admit to snooping. What exactly is the problem that you want to know WWYD about anyway?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2018 18:32

Didn’t you kiss anyone at this age? Did you parents confront you? It’s a kiss. They’re not talking about anything sexual. And i think it’s actually pretty grown up to discuss it afterwards.

greendale17 · 29/09/2018 18:32

Don’t want to tell her I betrayed her trust as she might shut down totally. WWYD?

^I wouldn’t say anything

HighwayDragon1 · 29/09/2018 18:34

Unless he is older than 15 YABVU, she's 13, and a kiss is nothing.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/09/2018 18:35

You know all you need to know, having read the texts/messages.
Don't say anything, after all she is thirteen, old enough to experience her first kiss ! 😍

OhTheRoses · 29/09/2018 18:35

Say nothing. Ramp up: tennis, hockey, gymnastics, singing, drama, art - whatever she's into.

AdoreTheBeach · 29/09/2018 18:41

She’s 13 and had her first kiss. And with your friend’s so so hopefully you like just family too!

Do not let her know you snooped. You’ll break her trust.

Rather have the birds and the bees talk. Stress about no sex until older and in a lung term relationship. AND to come talk to you in advance to address birth control. Stress when that time comes, it’s BOTH birth control pills AND condoms.

I did this with both my daughters. I made the gp appointment for birth control pills and sent with them. I buy confine too for them

Am I happy they’re specially active? No. Am I happy they’re healthy and no unplanned pregnancy? Yes. They started at 16. Of course I’d rather it were older but I knew I can’t stop them altogether and I’d rather they trust me and ask for advice than put up barriers.

Politelygiveszerofucks · 29/09/2018 18:45

Say absolutely nothing or she'll never trust you again.

I don't look at my DD's phone very often (she's 14) but that's because I trust her.

She may or may not have kissed the boy, kids come out with all sorts to each other, but I see my job as parent, not best friend and actually I don't want my daughter telling me about her intimate life. I know I will get flamed for this, but it feels a bit, I dunno, unnatural, incestuous. I don't actually want to know the gory details unless of course she wants or needs to share them with me as there is some kind of problem.

She did know that at any time I can look at her phone on spec, just to check all is ok, and if I can see she's deleted browser history or messages etc, then the phone gets removed. But now she's 14 and in Year 10, I check very rarely, but then again, she's not really into either social media or texting. And that's not me deluding myself, she's one of those rarities who thinks the whole thing is odd and is quite a private person.

StuckSoutherner · 29/09/2018 18:46

If you've already had "the talk," then do nothing. Do not let her know that you know, and whatever you do don't let her know that you snooped after saying that you wouldn't. I would be concerned about her having totally unrestricted phone usage at 13, I say that as someone who was doing far more than your DD at age 13 if my parents had seen my phone I'd have been grounded into my twenties so I would at some point broach the safety side of things but certainly not a confrontation at a kiss!

ShadyLady53 · 29/09/2018 18:52

Oh God, just leave it, it's normal! I wish i'd felt that kissing was something I was allowed to do at that age instead of my mother making everything seem dirty, sordid and wrong and telling me I wasn't allowed to kiss a boy until I was 18. I was a miserable unhappy old virgin for a VERY long time and even now in my 30s have to deal with shameful, guilty feelings around sex.

Maybe throw in some positive conversations about healthy relationships, safe sex, risks of underage sexual activity etc but let her enjoy being a kid and kissing for the first time. Let her have some happy memories of it, rather than feeling like she's done something wrong. She's not!

artemisdubois · 29/09/2018 18:53

Confront a 13 year old about kissing a boy? Are you serious? The fact that you believe you have a right to know is scary, and that it would even cross your mind to 'confront' your daughter about something so completely normal is off beyond belief.

It isn't in any way normal to expect a 13 year old to have no secrets/privacy.

CrochetBelle · 29/09/2018 18:55

Oh is this the bit where we tell you stories of the things we got up to as young teenagers discovering our sexuality? Hmm

Knittedfairies · 29/09/2018 19:03

You agreed she should have privacy, but then looked at her phone?

Rebecca36 · 29/09/2018 19:04

It was only a kiss, stop worrying about it (& don't tell her you've found out). It is natural to worry about our kids though so nothing to feel guity about.

LexieLulu · 29/09/2018 19:05

I knew people having sex at 13 (not me but school friends).

Leave her be and stop invading her privacy

EK36 · 29/09/2018 19:07

Don't mention it. But now might be a good time for the sex talk.

Beamur · 29/09/2018 19:10

Kissing a similar aged boy at 13 is nothing to worry about.

SilverHairedCat · 29/09/2018 19:16

Kissing at 13 is fairly age appropriate. Don't say anything about the messages.

However, do make sure that at some point you have covered the sex talk, Internet safety, not taking naked photographs of yourself, not sending naked pictures, and the legalities of that sort of thing.

You want her to trust you, so you want to be sure she can and will come to you if she is being pressured into anything at all in the future.

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/sexting/