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Original poster

Should I confront ex and his partner?

45 replies

arghhhhhhhhhhh · 29/09/2018 10:39

Hello I'm going to try really hard not to make this too long..

Me and ds dad have been separated 6 years he has a new partner whom for the most part I get on with pretty well however there are a few issues and I don't know if I should just let them go or if I am being a walk over to try and create a quiet life.. (she once told me she resented ds and he was ruining her and ex's relationship! And I let it go as she was pregnant and hormonal)

She is very opinionated and when she is upset or annoyed will say things without thinking!

Ds dad is an ok dad not very hands on and awful at communicating so me and his partner have to speak to each other otherwise nothing gets sorted! Ds adores his dad and has him on a very high pedastool where he can do no wrong.. I never ever say anything negative about his dad to him even when he cancels his plans with ds and makes no effort to spend time with him. Ds is always very worried about upsetting his dad or disappointing him

Last week ds has 2 after school activities and was feeling really tired after the first one so I said he could miss the second one - no issues he went to his dads the day after and Ex's partner asked if he'd been and ds lied and said he had.. she knew he hadn't as one of her friends ds goes to the same activity she shouted at him and called him a liar and then said just because your mum lies all the time doesn't mean you can!! (No idea where this line came from ) but ds was really angry with me that i didn't let his dad know he wasn't going and has been really anxious about it!

This is actually quite a small example of stuff she has said but other examples would be really outing- I think this is the straw that broke the camels back

Do I confront or just keep ignoring for a peaceful life??

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 29/09/2018 10:41

I don't understand why he lied? Why didn't he just say that he didn't go?

Santaclarita · 29/09/2018 10:43

I think the real question is why is she shouting at a child. Not why is he lying. Hmm

Original poster
arghhhhhhhhhhh · 29/09/2018 10:48

He lied because he didn't want his dad to be cross that he didn't go 🙄 which I realise isn't great and I have spoken to him about the fact he should have just told them the truth he said he just panicked and said he went

OP posts:
user139328237 · 29/09/2018 10:53

Whose paying for the activity. I ask because I can't see why his dad would care unless he is paying in which case you really need to ensure he goes.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 29/09/2018 10:53

@Santaclarita I'm sure the OP doesn't mind answering more than one question Smile

KarmaStar · 29/09/2018 10:54

She sounds unbalanced and I ,personally,would not want my dc around her,the home environment cannot be stable between them.
Do you think your DS would benefit from some counselling?he sounds very troubled and that is so sad he is carrying so much on his young shoulders.
He has a very loving mum trying to do the best,that is clear.And it is not your fault at all.
Ask your ex to meet DS at a contact centre or where his partner is not going to be present maybe?
Usually your instinct will guide you,listen to that.
Perhaps the school can offer you guidance about your DS having someone professional to talk to?
Good luck in this,Flowers

Lookatyourwatchnow · 29/09/2018 10:56

Clearly she already knew that he didn't go, because she had called up her friend to find out. She is obviously going out of her way to highlight examples of your 'failures' and DS's 'failures'. She's got it bad! Call her out on it

Bobbybear10 · 29/09/2018 11:01

She does not sound like a good person for your DS to be around!

I think you need to have a deep and meaningful with his dad and hope he sees sense. The best thing all round would be for your DS dad to limit the time DS and step partner are around each other. Hopefully it will kill two birds with one stone in that your DS should feel more secure spending time with just his dad and step partner isn’t there to make DS feel worried, anxious and a burden she wishes would disappear.

If nothing else you need to make it clear to your ex that it is unacceptable for his partner to call you names to your son. (Being generous maybe your ex doesn’t know she talks like that about you to DS so making him aware would be a good thing to do)

Original poster
arghhhhhhhhhhh · 29/09/2018 11:04

We have both paid half each for the activity.. it's not an expensive activity.

She does seem quite unstable at times but at other times she can be great there just doesn't seem to be a middle ground 🙄

They now have children together and I do try and want us all to have a positive relationship I think if I tried to stop ds seeing the patter he just wouldn't see his dad at all as she definitely has more control over what happens. I'm torn between reducing the time they have him or letting things go and seeing if ds works things out for himself but I don't want that to cause him more damage.

We currently have almost joint custody with me having slightly more time as he often asks if he can miss a night at his dads etc

I have thought about counselling for him I think I will look in to this

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 29/09/2018 11:04

So she KNEW he DIDN'T go but asks him if he had gone......she was spoiling for a row and got it!

Shouldershrugger · 29/09/2018 11:06

She has no right to speak to your ds like that. You need to say something or things will get worse. Also, let your ex take initiative and make an effort with your ds, you need to step back a bit.

Original poster
arghhhhhhhhhhh · 29/09/2018 11:07

Lookatyourwatch

Yes you are absolutely correct this isn't the first time it does seem she try's to "catch him out" a lot it's all a bit odd!

OP posts:
AhYeahOkayThen · 29/09/2018 11:09

Was his father not bothered by her telling you she resents your son?

Original poster
arghhhhhhhhhhh · 29/09/2018 11:09

Honestly my ex is absolutely awful at communicating I can literally never get hold of him I have tried to talk to him and it goes in one ear and out of another he just will not communicate at all!

OP posts:
Original poster
arghhhhhhhhhhh · 29/09/2018 11:11

Ayokthen

He laughed it off and blamed pregnancy hormones 🙄 she did get a bit better after that but to be honest I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I have to speak to her as I never know which way it will go

OP posts:
AhYeahOkayThen · 29/09/2018 11:11

It sounds like she's trying to drive a wedge between your son and his father and that is something you should bring up with his Dad.

Original poster
arghhhhhhhhhhh · 29/09/2018 11:15

Ah yeah

Yes other people have said that too she gets jealous if they spend time alone together and I know ex doesn't spend as much time with his family as she said it was weird how much time he spend with them...but I also see her side too as he does nothing with the children unless she pushes him to do it and organises it all for him this is what is so confusing like I said sometimes she is great and at others it's just awful

OP posts:
JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 29/09/2018 11:20

Urgh nothing worse than a jealous crabby new partner.
I also think you need to call this on your ex - explain that she cannot shout at your son and start conflating "personality traits" such as lying with you. Those are her opinions and not appropriate as a role model for your son. She is deliberately flipping out more than is necessary to blame you for her stress. I know couples who have been together for nearly 10 years where the woman harps on about what a bad mother the step kids have, to their faces. It's heartbreaking, esp coming from a divorced family myself. You end up guiltily agreeing just to keep the peace. It isn't love.

foodiefil · 29/09/2018 11:22

Talk to her. Sounds like you understand her, she might need a chance to understand you/your ds.

If you told her your ds was scared to disappoint his dad that would surely invoke sympathy/understanding

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 29/09/2018 11:23

I would also wonder if she is telling your ex not to communicate with you directly...just be wary there.

ciderhouserules · 29/09/2018 11:32

Op - your son holds his father on a pedestal, but is afraid of telling him that he didn't do the activity? You spend a lot of time facilitating the contact between Ex and ds? Why? If ex is flaky, that is his look out.

Original poster
arghhhhhhhhhhh · 29/09/2018 11:37

Ciderhouse

Yes i suppose I do we do have set days for ds but he will ask to change or plan stuff that ds cannot do when he has ds so ds then ends up spending time with ex partner instead of his dad or will end up at his grandparents on the days he should be with ds I have tried to talk to him about this and it's "what happens on my days is my business "

My head says I need to reduce contact but ds really doesn't want this so it's difficult to know what to do for the best as if I reduce the time at ex's it will be me that is stopping ds seeing his dad/half brothers etc and even though I know that would be better for ds - that isn't how he will feel and I don't want him to resent me as he grows up

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 29/09/2018 11:41

It doesn't take a genius to see that the child lied because he was afraid of the extreme reaction he would be faced with. That he accurately predicted it would be used to criticise him and put him down.

There is clearly a much bigger issue here.

You should be going to bat for him here, op. Even if you can't change how they treat him, you can make it very clear to him that it's not ok, you do not consider it acceptable, and you've done everything in your power to address it by telling them this and by not dropping him in it because you don't want to have the difficult conversations yourself. That is what he needs to see happening. That he matters enough to you to protect him.

You're the adult, it's your job.

Original poster
arghhhhhhhhhhh · 29/09/2018 11:45

Yep anouk

You are absolutely right I will try and contact his dad but if he doesn't answer or won't agree to a face to face I may have to do this via text which is less than ideal any ideas on how to word it?

OP posts:
HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 29/09/2018 11:46

How horrible poor DS. YADNBU.

Even if his dad was paying if he's sick or too tired togohe doesn't go. If his mum is looking after him she makes that call.

It sounds like this woman was setting DS up to fail. If she knew he didn't go why even ask? She could have just asked why he didn't go. Why shout at poor DS anyway, it's not like he lied because he did something wrong he's obviously on guard for putting a foot wrong around them.

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