Should I confront ex and his partner?

[arghhhhhhhhhhh]

Hello I'm going to try really hard not to make this too long..

Me and ds dad have been separated 6 years he has a new partner whom for the most part I get on with pretty well however there are a few issues and I don't know if I should just let them go or if I am being a walk over to try and create a quiet life.. (she once told me she resented ds and he was ruining her and ex's relationship! And I let it go as she was pregnant and hormonal)

She is very opinionated and when she is upset or annoyed will say things without thinking!

Ds dad is an ok dad not very hands on and awful at communicating so me and his partner have to speak to each other otherwise nothing gets sorted! Ds adores his dad and has him on a very high pedastool where he can do no wrong.. I never ever say anything negative about his dad to him even when he cancels his plans with ds and makes no effort to spend time with him. Ds is always very worried about upsetting his dad or disappointing him

Last week ds has 2 after school activities and was feeling really tired after the first one so I said he could miss the second one - no issues he went to his dads the day after and Ex's partner asked if he'd been and ds lied and said he had.. she knew he hadn't as one of her friends ds goes to the same activity she shouted at him and called him a liar and then said just because your mum lies all the time doesn't mean you can!! (No idea where this line came from ) but ds was really angry with me that i didn't let his dad know he wasn't going and has been really anxious about it!

This is actually quite a small example of stuff she has said but other examples would be really outing- I think this is the straw that broke the camels back

Do I confront or just keep ignoring for a peaceful life??

She really shouldn't have so much impact on your lives - certainly not shouting at your child for a decision you as his mother made.

I feel like both you and the new partner need to step back from project managing the relationship between your ex and his child. He is a grown man. Your issue is not with his partner but with him - he should be ensuring that your son is not subjected to abuse when he is with her. If he can't do this you may need to rethink the contact arrangement. Perhaps confront is too strong a word because keeping your relationship cordial is best for your child as you know. But definitely speak to him. Perhaps mediation can help to improve communication between you, and a Parenting Apart class may help him to understand how damaging it is for a child to hearing negative things about either of their parents. Or you could buy him Parenting Apart by Christina McGee

He'll resent you more if you don't stand up for him and instead leave him to take the flak for the difficult conversations you're too scared to have as an adult - but seem to expect him to shoulder on his own as a child.

It's not a "peaceful life" for him, is it?

It sounds confusing, frightening, and distressing. You've already described him feeling rejected, disliked and inadequate in the eyes of his dad. Things are hardly going well.

I'm actually appalled that you've told him off for lying when you knowingly put him in the situation where he was scared to tell her the truth in the first place, and you are now looking for excuses to opt out of protecting him.

I feel really sad for him.

Anouk

I have spoken to him about why he shouldn't lie and that he can always speak to me about what is bothering him I have NOT shouted at him or told him off for lying to them?!

I don't understand why he lied? Why didn't he just say that he didn't go?

Why do children do anything. He was afraid, and turned out he was right to be fearful.

She sounds horrible. Nobody wants their child exposed to that, but I can't really talk as I was in a similar position and sucked it up because my children were needy for their father's attention. It's a rock and a hard place.

Would it focus your ex's mind if you said you'd be going to court for full custody because of that kind of bullshit bullying, or would it make life more difficult for you?

He goes to see his dad and siblings, not new partner and her dc, of course they are there (though may appreciate some alone time too) but it sounds like the partner is responsible for your DSS. That's not on, his dad should be there, moderate her behaviour and not leave her feeling resentful. Otherwise tell him you may need to bite the bullet and speak to her yourself

This is about your sons Dad and your son firstly. If he can't be arsed arranging to see him then stop forcing it maybe? It's not your fault if his Dad doesn't want to spend time with him. Maybe your little boy needs to learn that his Dad doesn't deserve to be on that pedestal. Let his Dad do the organising and if he doesn't bother then that says a lot. Your son needs to see what his Dad is like now rather than keep putting him on a pedestal. As for step mum, she sounds manipulative and slightly emotional abusive towards your son. This is not on at any level. You are his Mum and it is up to you to protect him as his Dad is not. Your little boy sounds so stressed about his visits there and how he is treated.

I would speak to them about

1 - setting him up for a lie on purpose - she knew he had not been and made a point of asking him if he had - she was looking for a row.

1. She has no right bad mouthing you to your son.

1. Her reaction was totally ott.

Yy to manipulative and abusive

It sounds like she is definitely trying to lever your DS out of time with his dad. The trying to catch him out for lying sounds like part of her process. His dad needs to grow a pair, but it sounds like he will just appease his current wife.
How old is your DS?

Do you get on with your ex parents in law. Could you use them as mediators?

He is 8 and yes I get on with ex parents and they have had there own issues with the partner and wouldn't want them to get involved any more than they have

Thank you for all your advice I have messaged ex to arrange to meet up but I won't hold my breath for a response

The shouting seems a bit much but is this woman not his half siblings mother and therefore closer to family than just ‘dads gf’?
If so I think he may like to treat her with a little more respect than to tell such a stupid lie.

Talk to him about this and have a strong word with her (or his dad) about the OTT reaction

@Bracknellite
That is extremely harsh and unnecessary.
The Ops DS was trying to avoid getting into trouble.
The stepmother was actively trying to catch him out.

OP, I feel for you. I have an 8yo DS in shared custody too.
Ex’s current partner (ow; long backstory) is a bitch but she is nice to my DS.
If I were you, I would try and reduce ds’s Time at his dad’s, but insist on 1:1 quality time. You don’t want him feeling anxious every time he has to see his stepmother.

You have to make this about DS not you

DS feels sad/rejected/uncomfortable when you (dad) aren't being there when he visits
DS would like to spend more time with you
DS was scared so he lied (and he was right)
DS would like to ....

Don't say I !

OP - your ds is scared to tell the truth, tells his father what he wants to hear, does what his father wants and is actively trying to please him. This can look like he's putting father on a pedestal, but is in fact total fear of 'doing the wrong thing' and 'setting Df off'. Scared of his reactions.

I think I'd be having a full and frank, and incredibly CALM, word with your ds. Don't put it like 'do you still want to go to your df?' but more like 'do you have fun there? Do you like going? Do you think you'll still want to go in 5 years time?' kind of thing. Nothing too direct.

So she knew your DS didn’t attend, but asked if he did anyway. Sounds like she was trying to trip him up and cause a problem.

Says a lot that your DS feels he has to lie to them. I would be speaking to her direct. I would have picked up the phone immediately and asked her what she thought she was doing. All very well and good that he lied but who does she think she is to shout at him and be abusive. That I wouldn’t tolerate.

There is something really wrong with the woman, what reason can she possibly have for deliberately trying to trip up your son.

She's out of order as her question was clearly trying to catch him out

Shouted! Out of line - totally unacceptable

Slating you in front of your child, to your child - outrageous too

She needs to behave but your ex needs to step up too - I'd be telling him my child won't be coming if such awful behaviour continues