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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have no choice except a home birth

49 replies

ARainbowsMum · 29/09/2018 10:30

I'm pregnant with DC2 and living a few hundred miles away from everybody I knew growing up, I've not made any friends yet and have just two relatives locally both who are unsuitable to depend on to look after DC1, one has health issues and the other drinks.

I'm worried about what will happen with DC1 when I go into hospital to have this baby, what happens if there really is nobody who can mind the older DC?

ExP cannot help, he is the reason we've had to move.

Will I have to have a home birth? What If there are complications and I need to to into hospital afterwards?

OP posts:
User9870 · 29/09/2018 10:37

I would speak to your midwife about your worries.

Sorry not much help but hopefully someone will offer some further advice x

Mookatron · 29/09/2018 10:40

Presumably ex P is the kids' dad? Where are you OP? Very often there are very supportive local mums' Facebook groups. You could join one and explain on there and I bet a group of women will offer to help in some way (obvs you have to be comfortable with that way).

Also, yes, speak to Midwife.

Now100 · 29/09/2018 10:41

Maybe speak to social services, my friend had foster care when she was in hospital with no family support. That was about 20 years ago though.

NorthEndGal · 29/09/2018 10:42

At this point I'd make time to meet and check out a babysitter, that you can have on call when the time arrives.
I actually do on call child care, and that is one of the things I have done, is be there to look after dc1 while the parent goes to hospital to have dc2.
Here in Canada, it is between 10 and 15$/hour for on call, not sure what the rates are over there, but it could be a soloution

Crunchymum · 29/09/2018 10:43

Can anyone come to you when you are due and stay for a bit to have DC1?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/09/2018 10:47

Please talk to your midwife OP, if there is absolutely nobody to care for your son then I'm certain that SS can arrange for a foster career during this time.

Parker231 · 29/09/2018 10:47

Parents of one of your DC1’s nursery/school friends?

NotMyCircusMonkeys · 29/09/2018 10:48

It is possible to get a temporary foster placement; my mum did this for a local family when I was a child (she is a long term foster carer now). It might be the best option as you know they will be in safe hands, especially if you or the baby have to stay in hospital for a few days for some reason. If DC1 is being well looked after then you can just focus on you and the baby immediately after birth; you could probably do without any added stress! I would get in touch with social services to see if they can help.

RayRayBidet · 29/09/2018 10:48

The thing is that even if you opt for a home birth you still need someone to look after your dc. You won't be able to and the midwife is there for you.
Also if you have any complications you may still need to transfer to hospital.
Have you discussed your situation with your midwife?
There has to be some help available if you don't have anyone to help.
I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time they will have heard this problem.

IStandWithPosie · 29/09/2018 10:50

There are childcare companies that provide this service OP. Speak to your midwife and ask if she can give you any information. Also post on local FB selling pages/Mum groups etc asking for recommendations for babysitter.

TaggieRR · 29/09/2018 10:50

How pregnant are you/how much time do you have? I think I’d be looking into on call childcare/babysitter type things. Or trying to forge closer relationships of parents you see at dc1’s playgroup/nursery/baby group or whatever

Isittimeforbed · 29/09/2018 10:51

Social services will be able to help with foster carers if necessary. Even with a homebirth you really need someone there dedicated to looking after your other child. Is homestart available in your area? It sounds like you could benefit from extra support x

SkippedALightFandango · 29/09/2018 10:53

A home birth won’t cure those problems I’m afraid. If it happens in daylight hours you would still need someone to look after dc. The midwives are there to look after you not your dc. Also if there was an emergency and you needed to be transferred into hospital someone would need to be there to take care of dc. I would suggest you try and set up a rota of people to come and stay until baby arrives. If there really is no one you need to speak to your midwife and she will refer you to social care for temporary foster care for dc. Im sorry you are in such a stressful situation

bullyingadvice2017 · 29/09/2018 10:56

Iv had two home births. Would recommend and rave about them. No way would I have been able to manage another dc running around.

Does the older child go to school or nursery? Maybe one of the nursery staff could do it. We used to babysit extras when I worked at a nursery and got to know the families.

Original poster
ARainbowsMum · 29/09/2018 10:59

Would a planned C section be a possibility under these circumstances if I could get somebody to travel down from my home city, a friend?

The problem is all of my friends have families of their own and jobs so couldn't commit to coming here for long but perhaps a day or two could be arranged? Obviously that would only work if I knew the day I'd be having the baby

I have a brother and SIL who live two hours away but both work full time demanding jobs and would struggle to take much time off to come and stay

OP posts:
Original poster
ARainbowsMum · 29/09/2018 11:00

I'm only 16 weeks so plenty of time to plan ahead, just worrying in advance

Ds1 is 13 months

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 29/09/2018 11:04

A section isn't going to make the situation any easier. Don't underestimate looking after two very small children after major surgery and the time it takes for recovery.

And I say that as someone who has had two sections and managed very well but I would have badly struggled if I had been on my own.

explodingkitten · 29/09/2018 11:07

40 years ago my mum was induced for this reason (dad needed to leave overseas the week after and no help otherwise to care for my brother). It doesn't have to be a c section, ask to be induced. Much easier for the hospital to comply with.

PrincessTwilightStoleMyToddler · 29/09/2018 11:08

If I knew that a mum of any of my DD’s friends was on your position I would absolutely offer to have the older child while the mum was in hospital having DC2, even if I didn’t know the mum well yet. Does DC1 go to nursery? Or school? Could you speak to the nursery or school? The staff might know who to approach and who your DC is friendly with.

Would a friend you grew up with be prepared to come and stay with you as you get close to your due date? Or your mum or sibling?

What about an ELCS? Easier to plan childcare.

Would your funds stretch to a doula? (Appreciate money may be tight with a recent move, relationship breakdown and baby on the way). It’s just a doula would happily be on call, could attend a home birth as well as the midwives and you could have agreed the doula will stay with DC1 if you have to be transferred to hospital.

Good luck Flowers

OoohAyyye · 29/09/2018 11:09

I had the same anxiety and in the end opted for a home birth. I felt much better once I made that decision. However, if you don't feel comfortable with having a home birth then you need to voice your concerns to your midwife and see what options you have.

PrincessTwilightStoleMyToddler · 29/09/2018 11:15

Sorry - cross posted on much of that. Do you do baby or toddler groups with your older one? Again, if a mum we knew through a baby or toddler group was in your position DH and I would happily help. DH is a SAHP and we have two of our own, both under three, so it would be minimal disruption from our point of view.

Do any of your neighbours have little ones? I have several neighbours with young DC and they all offered to be emergency childcare cover if needed when I dad DC2 (in my case if my parents, who were having DC1, were delayed my neighbours were happy to have her so DH could still come to the hospital with me - not needed in the end but was nice to know).

BrokenWing · 29/09/2018 11:16

Could you go and stay with someone near your due date and have at their local hospital? Not sure if that is even possible, you would need to ask your midwife.

If you have a home birth, even if it goes perfectly, you will still have to have someone in to mind your 13 month old as you and the midwife will be a bit busy.

Original poster
ARainbowsMum · 29/09/2018 11:16

I'm not sure what the costs are for doulas and on call baby sitters so I'll do some research

I'm not keen on having to turn to social services, I wouldn't want them to think I'm out of my depth with no support but if I'm left with no choice I guess I'll have to

I didn't think about the recovery for an ELCS before I mentioned that so that's probably not the way to go, thanks to the poster who highlighted that.

Oddly enough I didn't consider asking to be induced! That just may work in my favour If I can get recruit some support for the time

The children's father cannot be relied upon and its thanks to him we've had to uproot and start again

OP posts:
Bowerbird5 · 29/09/2018 11:18

YOU would need looking after if you had a CS. You can’t lift, drive etc for six weeks after.
Can you afford a babysitter? If so look for local mature nannies who could come and maybe stay a couple of days. I have a friend who has done this. She works in childcare and has her own and also works for Mencap babysitting so she is the sort of person you could do with. If there is a local college training Nursery Nurses they often keep in contact with past students.
The midwife would also be able to help.
Sorry to hear you have had to move away from support but sometimes a fresh start can be great. I had to move here to support MIL and I have made some wonderful friends.

RedSkyLastNight · 29/09/2018 11:23

I had a similar issue (I did have a partner but wanted him with me) and also thought about a home birth, but as others have said, you still need someone to look after your child, and I thought it would just make it more difficult as i'd be worrying about them too if I could see/hear them around.

C section also not a good idea (unless medically necessary of course), as then you'll need someone on hand as you recover!

In the end I coped by having a hugely complicated rota of DC's friends' parents and people I knew that were prepared to travel down for a day or two, who could cover depending on when I went into hospital. That way I wasn't committing anyone to looking after the DC for longer than they were happy with.

I also literally went to hospital, had the baby and came away again to minimise the time I wasn't at home. Obviously I was lucky to have an easy birth that enabled this!

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