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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I have no choice except a home birth

49 replies

ARainbowsMum · 29/09/2018 10:30

I'm pregnant with DC2 and living a few hundred miles away from everybody I knew growing up, I've not made any friends yet and have just two relatives locally both who are unsuitable to depend on to look after DC1, one has health issues and the other drinks.

I'm worried about what will happen with DC1 when I go into hospital to have this baby, what happens if there really is nobody who can mind the older DC?

ExP cannot help, he is the reason we've had to move.

Will I have to have a home birth? What If there are complications and I need to to into hospital afterwards?

OP posts:

CalmConfident · 29/09/2018 11:26

Work on building up your network in new town with dc1 - you have time and I am sure a solution will present itself. And ask people for help, I would help anyone in this situation but would hseitate to make the first move.

Original poster

ARainbowsMum · 29/09/2018 11:27

Its very frustrating that I can't rely on DM to be on hand to help for a day or two, unfortunately she cares more about binge drinking than her children and grandchildren so I wouldn't be seen dead leaving DS with her

OP posts:

CalmConfident · 29/09/2018 11:27

And agree avoud c section if at all possible as much easier to manage a todlldker and newborn if you can drive and carry things!

PrincessTwilightStoleMyToddler · 29/09/2018 11:30

Roughly where are you OP? (Only if you are comfortable saying of course). It’s just there are some area specific organisations that offer support, including birth companions and other practical support, to people in your position. Some details here might help - doula.org.uk/about-doulas/third-party-doula-projects-support-for-families/

When I last looked into it a doula in the south west, for a birth package that included 5 or 6 antenatal meetings, being on call 24/7 from 37 weeks, attending for the whole birth and some post natal support and visits was about £500. Which was an absolute bargain for the amount of support but (obviously) is a really large chunk of money if you are in tricky circumstances. Doulas are self employed so I expect prices vary a fair bit.

TimIsHavingABadDay · 29/09/2018 11:31

Op, just do as people have said and look on facebook for a local baby sitter. It may be worth asking around for people that work in creches/nurserys already as they will be DBS checked. Plus due to the fact the wages are terribly low, they often take on extra baby sitting duties to top up income. Or local child minders. A home birth is a real option but you would still need to have somebody at your house to help with the other DC. This is very easily sorted out.

Polly2345 · 29/09/2018 11:35

Don't go for a planned csection. Where I live you can be booked in for a certain day, but not actually have the section until the next day if they have lots of emergency c sections that day. So basically you can be at the hospital for more than 24 hours before you have the c section, which adds an extra night to your hospital stay.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 29/09/2018 11:49

Are there any neighbours you could build up relationships with? I definitely agree with talking to the midwife. You won't be the first in this position.

corythatwas · 29/09/2018 11:53

Two things to remember about induction:

it doesn't always work on the first attempt, so if your time slot for childcare is very tight it may be no better than a "natural" labour

it is more likely to result in tears than a "natural" labour which could potentially cause problems similar to a section

I'd definitely speak to the midwife and look into local babysitters/babysitting circles asap

Missingstreetlife · 29/09/2018 11:55

I thought a doula is a birthing partner?
Social services will help, and not think badly of you. You may find a childminder flexible enough but it's not really in their remit. Also ask them about help at home for the first couple of weeks, that's why 'home helps' were first brought in, not for older people at all.

albert92 · 29/09/2018 11:58

@ARainbowsMum I don't think a home birth is a lot suitable would be very traumatic for your other child and I'm sure midwifed won't allow it, only thing about a planned c section is you could be in hospital for days on end.
Speak to your midwife ASAP

AnoukSpirit · 29/09/2018 11:59

Please don't be afraid to ask for help. You won't be the first woman to be in this position, and it reflects positively on you that you've taken and continue to take steps to safeguard yourself and your child (and future child).

People are more likely to admire your strength and courage than to judge you.

Chocolateandcarbs · 29/09/2018 12:39

A nanny, babysitter or childminder may be able to help?

PrincessTwilightStoleMyToddler · 29/09/2018 12:40

A doula is typically a birthing partner but lots are prepared to more holistically support the whole birthing process(before during and after). Those I looked when considering hiring one were pretty flexible so might well be happy to be there at home with OP in early labour then help with childcare (one near me specifically mentioned helping with older children). Not all would do that but some would and by the nature of their work they are used to being on call so I thought they could be an option.

AhYeahOkayThen · 29/09/2018 17:49

Being induced can also take awhile, I ended up being in the hospital for a week and 5 days of that was them trying to induce me but she wouldn't budge.

AhYeahOkayThen · 29/09/2018 17:50

Although I think it takes less time with a second pregnancy, but it's still not an exact science.

TatterdemalionAspie · 29/09/2018 18:04

Home birth would be great if that's what you'd like to do anyway, but it's certainly not an answer to your childcare issue. Firstly, even if you have an uncomplicated labour and give birth at home, you still need someone to look after DS1 whilst you're in labour and immediately postnatally. Secondly, if you have any complications in labour then you'd be transferred into hospital, so you would have to have a back up plan for that, too. What's that saying... hope for the best, plan for the worst... you need a contingency plan for if you eg. are transferred in during labour and then end up having a section and having to stay in hospital for a few nights. To be honest, you need a backup plan in place anyway, because anyone can end up in hospital for a few nights (or worse) after an illness or accident.

If it comes to it, I wouldn't be afraid of asking for help from social services - they are there to step in and help in cases like this. It'd be better to have something else planned, though, obviously. I'm wondering whether there are any charities that might be able to help - I know my DMIL used to do a befriending/support thing for The Children's Society where she was a sort of 'buddy' to women who needed a bit of extra support.

As you're in early pregnancy at the moment, you've got quite a lot of time to build up relationships with people in your new area. I wonder whether doing a parenting course or something with your DS might be a way of building up a support network? I did a parenting course when DD was a toddler, and I met some lovely women and we were all pretty supportive of each other - as an example, I was a birth partner for one of them because she was from a culture where husbands didn't usually attend the birth, and she had nobody else.

If all else fails, I bet there'll be a local Mumsnetter who can help. Would you feel comfortable in saying roughly where you live?

Poodletip · 29/09/2018 20:29

If you're only 16 weeks I would work hard at establishing some contacts over the next few months. Get yourself to as many toddler and baby groups as you can, church-run and community groups are good IME, and get talking to the other mums. Obviously don't launch straight into asking for help but someone may offer through general chat anyway. You may feel more comfortable reaching out for help once you've got to know someone a bit.

I was in a new area when pg with dc1 so no friends or family around. We did have a puppy though, and met and befriended people through walking him. One couple with a new baby asked if we had a dogsitter for during labour. We hadn't even thought about it tbh! They offered there and then to do it for us, we'd only met them twice. We became really good friends for a while, though it drifted when they moved away. My point is really that most people are nice people and would be happy to help someone if they knew it was needed. You just need to get yourself out there to meet them and you do have some time. It sounds like you may have had your faith in humanity knocked a little but please trust that there are more lovely people out there than there are horrors.

missymayhemsmum · 29/09/2018 21:03

Try your local homestart or mothers union, you might find an honorary granny or two.

Salazaar · 29/09/2018 21:12

Where abouts are you rainbow? I'm sure between us all we could find/suggest/help you in any way we can.
Never underestimate the kindness of strangers

CalmConfident · 29/09/2018 21:18

Agree with some folk upthread. If you able to share rough idea of part of country you are in sure we can find an emergency plan

Dermymc · 29/09/2018 21:25

Definitely share your location. Then people will help you.

If this was someone I knew I would do anything to help. People just need to be asked.

Camelsinthegobi · 29/09/2018 21:26

Definitely try some baby/toddler groups to (hopefully) find some friendly faces. If the first one you try isn’t friendly (they aren’t all very good, and I say this as someone who runs one) then try a different one! And also talk to your midwife to see if there are any helpful schemes in the area. Partly, the answer depends on how much money you have to throw at the problem. With a few hundred pounds, the chances are you could secure an emergency nanny or similar. Without that, making some helpful friends and having foster care as a backup is probably your best option...

sugarcoatedthorns · 29/09/2018 21:45

I have read OP and a few of PPs, not read whole thread, but please don't use fb to advertise your whereabouts no matter how desperate you are and do not reply to others your whereabouts that have asked here. You do not travel 100's of miles to escape only to be tracked down on MN. If you have posted anything outing you please have MN remove it urgently.

I wish I was nearby, and I'm sure others would want to help out too, but if you can't plan it, then in emergency the hospital would make necessary arrangements if you were brought in. How about any helpful neighbours?

My heart goes out to you having to birth alone like this, but I am so pleased to hear to managed to escape. Did you have help because those involved might be able to offer family support worker who can help out?

Take care. Atb

sugarcoatedthorns · 29/09/2018 21:52

I see you have plenty of time to get something in place, was dc1 early or anything suggesting you might have less time to prepare?

I have seen other generous PPs offers if we knew your location,but as you are so soon out and fb and twitter etc can all be signed in by one email account, as can here its quite likely your ex has this info and can follow your tracks. Just be very careful and although it's such a shame to have to be mistrusting you have to protect yourselves and act safely above all.

I really don't think it would take long to start connecting with support especially as you have DC already which will connect you with lots of other parents who I'm sure will want to help.

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