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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving young DCs unsupervised (with the dog)

30 replies

Booboostwo · 29/09/2018 09:54

The background to this is that I am SAHP and do the donkey work of parenting. Due to how DH works, I do all mornings, all lunch times (DCs come home from school for lunch), all picks ups, all dinners, etc. A few years ago I was at breaking point and we agreed that on Saturday mornings he would take the DCs so I could work.

He’s done this pretty much regularly for five years, although often he does not leave the house which always gets me involved with the DCs and the activity he does on saturdays is not fun for the DCs so often they complain and end up staying with me.

This week he announced that he would not be doing the activity as he has a training session at home with his trainer who will also be bringing his two DCs over. I immediately said that I am not doing childcare for all these DCs (I also do all play dates, take to all activities, organise all parties). So now the trainer is here and there are four kids under 7yo on their own in the garden. Our garden opens onto our farm, there are also builders on the other side of the house driving a dumper truck and throwing things off a roof and our two dogs are with the kids. The dogs are friendly but the young Germans Shepherd often gets over enthusiastic - I do not leave the DCs unsupervised with the dogs and certainly not other people’s DCs. DH is two floors away out of sight and sound of all the DCs.

When I just told him how unhappy I was with the arrangement he had the nerve to tell me it was my fault for not wanting to get involved. IS there a way to reason with such a person? He either ignores me and leaves me to do everything or he ignores the kids and knows I will have to step in.

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 29/09/2018 09:57

Physically leave the house with the dogs if you can every Saturday, put the dogs in soggy day care & go out

Darls3000 · 29/09/2018 10:00

Sorry your DH is so unreasonable and super selfish. All about him. Next Saturday could you not leave the house early so you aren't even an option for childcare? Or do you think he would leave the DCs with the dogs unsupervised? He's effectively blocked you today and taken away your options to do anything but enable what he wanted all along. 😏. That sucks.

Annandale · 29/09/2018 10:01

Impasse. I would be furious. Does he think the dogs are ok with the kids? Given the significant danger, i would lock the dogs away in some way, even if it meant barking etc.

I dont really think there is a way round this. He will no doubt be wondering why you dont have sex often enough for him. Men seem unable to make this connection.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 29/09/2018 10:02

No advice but I'd be fuming. I hate people who don't own their shit- creating a potentially dangerous situation is one thing but blaming you for it is quite another! You had an arrangement and he changed it. I don't know how to stop people trying to gaslight you

You say you have the morning to yourself to work. Do you ever get any time to yourself for anything fun? I assume he does? If he doesn't discuss things then I guess you have to tell him how it is - such as from now on I'm going to x club or y hobby on Sunday afternoons. I won't be back in time to prepare dinner. Even if you just go and sit in a coffee shop and read a book. If he hasn't got your back up he will step up.

Also if he refuses to share tasks when he's home then I would try and outsource what I could eg get a cleaner or buy more ready prepared food or something. He can't expect you to be on duty 24 / 7 everyone needs some time off or their physical and mental health will suffer

oldbirdy · 29/09/2018 10:04

So DH I assume works full time?
What work are you doing on Saturday mornings?
Why can't your kids stay at school for lunch then you would have 5 clear hours Mon to Fri?

Your dh has been presumptuous organising this thing but in these circumstances I would supervise the kids and have it out with him later. It isn't worth the chances of one of the kids getting seriously hurt in a dangerous environment so you can uphold a principle.

Original poster
Booboostwo · 29/09/2018 10:05

I have a problem with my back (serious operation relatively recently) so I can’t take the dogs out at the moment, and there is no doggie day care here. Even if the dogs were not involved I would not leave the DCs alone. Ours are 7yo and 4yo, I think the visiting ones are 4yo and one younger. They could leave the garden go to the builders, go to the pool, go to the horses, go to the lake, etc. Even if they stayed put they could argue, not share, hit each other etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Booboostwo · 29/09/2018 10:10

I take it back the other kids are 8yo and 3yo.

OP posts:
AhYeahOkayThen · 29/09/2018 10:13

You sound like a single parent with a roommate. Confused

Uncreative · 29/09/2018 10:15

Tell the trainer that the dog is not safe to be left with children. Then leave.

hamzilla · 29/09/2018 10:17

I agree with pp - is it necessary they come home at lunchtime?

Starlight345 · 29/09/2018 10:20

What does he actually do?

Original poster
Booboostwo · 29/09/2018 10:23

The whole situation is shit overall, I am aware of that. DH either works abroad, in which case I do everything, or from home. When he works from home he goes to sleep at 3am. He says he needs this for work (with Asian countries) but also that he is not a morning person, so I do all mornings. I haven’t had a lie in in years.

We live in France. The school does not offer vegetarian meals, the DCs must eat meat, so I have to pick up DD for lunch because she is vegetarian. DS is a selective eater and eats better at home as well.

I work part time from home, mainly to keep my skills and be able to get a job in my old career. I do get more time now DCs are at school but equally DH is dumping more things on me. He is no longer interested in our pets, so they are my responsibility, we moved house and i did everything, i do everything to do with the kids, shopping, clothes, etc.

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 29/09/2018 10:26

I don't mean this to sound contrite but what about through the week when the kids are at school? That gives you time with dh at work and no kids around?

Your husband shouldn't just expect you to step in because he is useless though.

Mammyloveswine · 29/09/2018 10:27

Sorry just seen your update

Your husband is taking the piss.

2Brieornot2Brie · 29/09/2018 10:28

Going to sleep at 3am because he works with Asian countries makes no sense. Asia I said 7 to 8 hours ahead so 3am in U.K./Europe is 10am in Asia. He’s asleep during their working hours.

crimsonlake · 29/09/2018 10:29

I do think it was very selfish of him not to ok it with you prior to arranging this...However I think you need to get the DC to stay in school for their lunch, which frees up the whole school day for you. As a sahm that will give you the free time you are seeking as there will be no DC's around for 6 -7 hrs a day. Are the weekends not ' family time ' for most of us?

BlueJava · 29/09/2018 10:29

He's being completely unreasonable and I think you should assess what you get out of the relationship and what your alternatives might be.

One thing puzzles me "When he works from home he goes to sleep at 3am. He says he needs this for work (with Asian countries)". This is actually incorrect and his way of getting a layin. If you are in Europe and work with Asia you have to get up early not late otherwise you have missed their day. If you work with the US you need to get up late and stay up late.

2Brieornot2Brie · 29/09/2018 10:29

Asia is 7 to 8 hours ahead, that should say.

Lucked · 29/09/2018 10:29

Packed lunches! I would not be such a slave to my children's eating habits.

I do have sympathy and agree your DH is being a dick but you need to make some changes too.

For now lock the dogs up in a room until you dh is free.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 29/09/2018 10:32

Regardless of anything else, your husband was being an utterly negligent parent leaving children that young playing unattended with dogs. I love dogs but this is absolutely unacceptable. This is how life changing accidents happen.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 29/09/2018 10:35

Sympathies! My Ex and DP are like this, we desperately need a break but then they are so slack it makes us feel we can’t leave them! I’m also a sahm and have to be because of DSs special needs, and school is half days and I struggle to find work. I’ve worked all my life and have many qualifications and skills so I do get it, I never thought I’d be stuck with so much childcare!

The only thing that’s sometimes worked for me is setting a non negotiable activity like taking them to a swimming lesson, football or such where they are required to be there by the staff? Or insisting that your DH pays for childcare lunchtimes / cleaner to free you up more?

Original poster
Booboostwo · 29/09/2018 10:39

Yes the Asian timing had occurred to me as well. Apparently he needs to catch people first thing in the morning (for them) otherwise it’s no good. He also watches TV, plays video games and watches porn, so he’s not exactly overwhelmed with work.

No packed lunches allowed in school - France is weird.

I do have time during the week now, it is a lot better than before.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 29/09/2018 10:50

Can you take yourself out of the house every Sat morning for work? There's no way I can work in the house when my kids are here.

A local coffee shop perhaps, if you have a laptop? (not sure what your work involves...)

BewareOfDragons · 29/09/2018 10:53

Your DH is a dick. Those are his children and his responsibility, too. But he wants you to do ALL of it.

Quartz2208 · 29/09/2018 10:55

What on earth do you get out of this relationship

So on a Saturday he still does his activity? What does he actually do - does he bring much money in as the Asia excuse is full of shit