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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby name secret

31 replies

MumToBe2018x · 29/09/2018 03:50

What’s everyone’s views on this subject?

Due to family having a strong opinion or wanting to have their own names included in our Daughter’s name, me & my husband decided that we wouldn’t tell anyone until she was born to avoid this. Would you be upset if your Husband went and told them anyways after weeks of you refusing to say or even to discuss the name after constantly being asked. Would you feel undermined?

I never thought I would want to keep the name to myself but due to the stress of opinions, it was easier.

I’ve also been really upset over this, although he can’t see what he’s done wrong and said that they think he is joking anyways. They thought he was joking at first yes but then he repeatedly kept saying it and then asked me if he was telling the truth. I felt really awkward and totally stupid. I do feel undermined and that it’s me vs them.

OP posts:

Losingthewill1 · 29/09/2018 04:22

Why would they want there own names? Are these direct relatives ?

Original poster

MumToBe2018x · 29/09/2018 04:32

Yes it’s my OH’s family. They wanted to have their families names included in the first or middle. Every name we chose they had an opinion on or they didn’t like, except for their own choices. We tried to make it a bit fun once and had a chalkboard with a list of potential names, we returned home one day and they had crossed off the ones they didn’t like of ours, then replaced them with ones they wanted.

My OH is very close with them and will not say when the line is crossed, let alone admit to me that they’ve done it. I’ve tried to talk about feeling let down that he’s gone and told them, regardless of them thinking it was a joke (which they don’t) and that I didn’t find it funny. He said he was only agreed with me for an easy life.

Big thank you for replying. Appreciated x

OP posts:

Uncreative · 29/09/2018 04:40

I would be quietly fuming at that. Actually, maybe not so quietly.

In your shoes, I would probably be pissed off enough to register the baby myself. The hospital will give the documents to you as the mother. I would probably choose a name from the joint short list but I would make sure the final decision was mine. And on point of principle, it wouldn’t include any of his family’s names.

Peridot1 · 29/09/2018 04:45

I’d be annoyed too. Livid in fact.

You are right to keep it secret if people are so bloody rude.

Mind you I announced a completely different name to the name we had agreed when DS was born. He is now 17 and DH still says he had no idea where it came from! But it’s his name. No one argues with the woman who has just given birth having been in labour for two days!

SunshineSnowflakesDaydreams · 29/09/2018 04:47

Things like this really annoy me! I wish people would keep their opinions to themselves. Yes, they're entitled to have an opinion but to actually verbalise it and to think they should have a part in the choosing of the name is kind of weird.

My MIL made it perfectly clear she didn't like our son's name. My DH told her when I wasn't around, though we hadn't said we would keep it secret, and I'm grateful I wasn't there for her reaction. She has gotten used to it and now says it suits him. It made me hesitant to tell her this time around too but DH did and I was there for the reaction and again expressed her opinion and her comment was borderline offensive. But we're sticking with the name because we love it. She tries to suggest other names and I smile and nod and appear to entertain the idea but we've already decided.

It's a bit unfair that you'd agreed to keep it a secret and DH didn't stick with it. And I know in a strange way it feels like a personal attack when they disagree with a name you've chosen. You really do just have to ignore the in-laws, or like me smile and nod, and go with what you want to name your child. You'll spend a lifetime saying/yelling/screaming(!) that name and you'll regret not going with your own choice.

MumToBe201910 · 29/09/2018 04:47

I’m really upset over it as I feel I have no control over anything as the Mother and she isn’t even born yet. I felt so small, regardless if it was a joke to ‘wind them up’... Why agitate a situation that’s been a nightmare from day one as I will now get the constant questioning, not him.

EvePolastri · 29/09/2018 04:48

Do you live with them?

MumToBe201910 · 29/09/2018 04:51

Thank you so much. At least I know I’m not being horrible and over reacting, I’ve got myself into such a state over it which I know isn’t the best idea being pregnant.

MumToBe201910 · 29/09/2018 04:52

No we don’t live with them thankfully! They do have access to our home if needed.

Uncreative · 29/09/2018 04:56

I want to further what @Peridot1 said.

You choose the name. If anyone, and I mean anyone, questions it, pull out the labour card - ‘I carried this child for 9 months, I was in labour for x hours, I lost x amount of blood, I suffered a 3rd degree tear and you are seriously questioning the name I chose for my child!?!?’

I swear, if you can say that with the right inflection, they will never comment on your name choice or parenting skills again. And the closer to the birth that you do it, the more effective you will be.

ConsiderHerWaysAndOthers · 29/09/2018 05:05

DH and I were agreed we would not tell anyone our names in advance. We were leaning very strongly towards a particular name. He then told his family the name, despite what we’d agreed. They loved it and it turned out to have sentimental family meaning we were completely unaware of it (a great grandmother that did something very exceptional). Opposite reaction to you but I was still annoyed as it felt like we HAD to use the name and couldn’t change our minds, and that it wasn’t fully our decision. So I totally get where you’re coming from. If they’re being mean about the name then that’s even worse. In our case we used the name anyway, we love it, the family love it and it suits DD perfectly. There’s still a little bit of me that’s annoyed though!

TawnyTeal · 29/09/2018 05:16

OP
Name change fail?

I’d be fuming, and I would totally disregard any suggestions they made, and just name baby whatever you name you want (whether that is the one they were told or not). The name has to suit the baby and the parents, no one else. 💐

MumToBe201910 · 29/09/2018 05:21

How would you handle the situation now when they question you if it’s the name or not? Do I just say that I don’t want to discuss it anymore? Or is that too blunt?

Even though he’s upset me dearly, I don’t want to upset him by upsetting them. This is maybe where I’m going wrong!

Sciurus83 · 29/09/2018 05:38

Oh I'd be fuming! Im 33+6 and we've got two options, only discussed with our closest two friends. Both are quite unusual, but I think other people will prefer the one I'm not leaning towards. I've been really clear we won't discuss with anyone, and I told my mum I didn't want to hear any op8nions on the subject which she has respected. Same with MIL, DH knows the drill, any deviation would result in incurring wrath (from me!)

Sciurus83 · 29/09/2018 05:43

Of course you can say you don't want it discussed, don't be afraid of upset! It's nice to have as a special secret that only you and partner know, no one else needs an opinion!

Rainbowqueeen · 29/09/2018 05:44

I’d be reminding him that if he wants an easy life then he needs to keep you happy not his family of origin

And yes I would feel undermined and really upset. Time for a serious chat about what kind of marriage he wants moving forward. Does he want to feel like part of a team where he know you have each other’s backs no matter what? Or one where you feel like you have to keep things from him if you don’t want his family to know?

And yes the name should be your decision now

ScornedDIL · 29/09/2018 05:44

Just lie and say ‘we’re not sure, haven’t decided’ ( which is not unusual). Write down the names they suggest, say ‘how interesting’. then give the child the name you want, with no fuss.

mamansnet · 29/09/2018 05:46

How would you handle the situation now when they question you if it’s the name or not? Do I just say that I don’t want to discuss it anymore? Or is that too blunt?

Exactly this. You don't want to discuss it and that's it. I don't think it's too blunt. Say it firmly and with a faint smile - try it and you'll see what I mean!

I too had to start getting firm with my ILs when DC1 was born. They'd got used to being in charge of everything, as though DH and I were still kids. The roles are changing now, YOU are the parent and YOU are the one who lays the ground rules. They'll respect you more if you show them you've got backbone (which you're going to need as a mum anyway).

Even though he’s upset me dearly, I don’t want to upset him by upsetting them. This is maybe where I’m going wrong!

Exactly right!! I've had experiences where DH allowed me to be insulted rather than stand up to his mother. Eventually I cracked and told him to strap on a pair - if his parents' feelings were more important than his WIFE's, that was a very serious red line for me. It should be for you, too.

Again, they ALL need to start seeing that you won't be walked over. You're soon going to be the primary defender of a helpless tiny human, it's a good time to practise sticking up for yourself and your child.

flumpybear · 29/09/2018 06:45

Bloody names! You keep the names you want - you can't change what your husband has done but don't let anyone sway your choices

My in laws were actually fine and thanked us for giving our daughter my MIL name as one of my DD middle names.
My mum however phoned regularly whilst I was pregnant leaving a name or two, telling me how lovely it was and how 'strong' the name was, I had every name from Meredith to daisy, Shyanne .... piles of names - in fact it for to the stage where i told my husband I hoped she didn't say the name we'd chosen because she'd think it was her choice! . Anyway, when I told her the name we'd chosen after she was born she went ballistic, told me she hated her first name and ranted in about getting my family to call her something different - phoned me back ... bearing in mind this was whilst I was in hospital an hour or so post EMCS after two days in unsuccessful labour, and told me she'd called my dad, Grandad and her siblings and everyone hated it and the family want me to change the name and they'll call her Beth instead of my chosen name (Tabitha)

My husband had gone home at this point and she called him and told him to tell me to change the name and he stood up to her and said it's our choice and it's staying - my dad said he liked the nickname Beth and I told him in no uncertain terms that wasn't her name and she wasn't to be called anything other than her name - it was an awful time after such a long time desperately trying to get pregnant and many miscarriages to be barraged literally an hour, if that, returning from theatre after she was born when in should have been cooing over my new baby (albeit I was in shock due to a horrible birth experience but hey ho she was safe!)

It calmed down for a while, then my mum called and left a message about 2 months after she was born telling me that the second middle name is given my DD, after her, she didn't like, so could I change it to Pascal because she didn't like her name we'd used in honour of my mum for DD middle name, and she'd pay for the deed poll charge .... needless to say I didn't change it! And literally know nobody called pascal or have any connection to France .... batcrap crazy mother

Uncreative · 29/09/2018 07:06

@flumpybear - your relatives are nuts! Glad you stuck to your guns. Amazed you didn’t go NC!

Rockbird · 29/09/2018 07:14

DH (after we agreed not to say anything) told his family the name, the date I was being induced, and the estimated weight of DD1 (I'd had growth scans). I was livid. In my heavily pregnant state I felt there was no point giving birth because they already knew it all . I was so angry with him.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/09/2018 07:22

Tbh I wouldn't have kept the name a secret anyway. I would have just told them my name choice and that it was our decision what name the baby is called.

MrsMozart · 29/09/2018 07:23

Ignore them lass. Smile sweetly and ignore.

As for your DH - a conversation is needed with him to ensure ground rules are set for when your baby arrives.

Sciurus83 · 29/09/2018 07:24

flumpybear oh my lord!! Thats just awful! Your mum thinking she's the bloody matriarch in control of everything. Needs telling she's granny now, a new star has risen now you are the mum, time to get in line!! Mental!! I too am amazed you still speak to her, I hope you laughed when she said Pascal!! I mean really!

Sciurus83 · 29/09/2018 07:25

Also OP, listen to MrsMozart

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