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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Name calling at school

33 replies

Creeper8 · 28/09/2018 22:57

My son told me today after school that the other children have been laughing at him and calling him names. My son hates school and Im wondering if this is the reason why. I had this issue in year 1 and it obviously hasnt stopped in year 2. Aibu to expect the school to do more? what would you expect of the school? would you approach the childrens parents separately?

OP posts:
Cauliflowersqueeze · 28/09/2018 23:01

Just talk to his teacher about it. It’s unreasonable to expect the school to do more about it if they don’t know. Don’t speak to the parents.

Original poster
Creeper8 · 28/09/2018 23:04

They do know. Did I not mention it happened in year 1 and is now still happening. if i was teasing my son and calling him names it would be “emotional abuse” so I dont expect to send him to school for him to be teased and called names.

OP posts:
ScoobyCan · 28/09/2018 23:19

Without more information it's a little hard to formulate a response.

I always speak to the teacher about my concern - never the parent.

Wolfiefan · 28/09/2018 23:22

Do not approach the parents. Talk to the school. But be specific. Who said what? When? Any witnesses?

Joboy · 28/09/2018 23:28

Talk to teacher everyday .
If you get know where you will have to consider changing school.

BarbarianMum · 28/09/2018 23:32

You need to talk to the teacher. If it's the same children as last year, you need to make that clear. The teacher sgould investigate and then let you know what her plan to stop it is. If it carries on then you go back again armed with a copy of the schools anti-bullying policy, which will tell you what has to happen next.

Original poster
Creeper8 · 28/09/2018 23:40

yes i believe it is the same children but he has also said the reception children have said it aswell.

OP posts:
Cauliflowersqueeze · 29/09/2018 08:03

Did I not mention it happened in year 1 and is now still happening.

? Yes you did. What we don’t know is if his teacher knows about this. Is it a new teacher he has in Year 2? Maybe they are saying these things when he/she isn’t looking and so they are not aware. Or maybe they, like you presumably, were aware it was happening last year but thought it had stopped this year? In which case yes it would be unreasonable to expect them to do more if it was a problem they were not aware of. I would hope it was unlikely that a teacher would be fully aware of name calling in Year 2 and would have chosen to totally ignore it.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 29/09/2018 08:04

Upsetting though it is, you can’t really pin “emotional abusers” on 5 and 6 year olds.

Original poster
Creeper8 · 29/09/2018 08:09

im not saying its emotional abuse im saying it doesnt happen at home and if it did it wouldnt be acceptable so it shouldnt happen at school. its bullying and bullying does leave lasting damage.

OP posts:
weekfour · 29/09/2018 08:18

Definitely the teacher.

Also, do you know why they're name calling?

My husband has red hair. He said the name calling at school was awful until he turned around and started saying 'yes, you're right!'. He is very good at laughing it off, deflecting it and turning it back where it came from. It's just as well because he's 40 and is still called the same names now. Sometimes by random (nobhead) strangers.

I don't think that anyone should have to tolerate name calling, but sometimes it's better for the kids to learn some resilience or coping skills.

Apologies if it's different to that though. If it's bullying, then don't be afraid to use that term when you're dealing with school. And speak to school EVERY DAY.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 29/09/2018 08:24

Hope it works out for your son. You’re not really answering questions here so it’s pointless trying to advise or help.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 29/09/2018 08:24

I think you're right to want it stopped. I don't think you should assume the school think it's acceptable. They probably think the issue has been resolved.

Definitely go in and speak to the teacher not the parents. (The teacher can actually observe what's happenibg the parents will have their own child's version and will get defensive).

I would also work with your son on how he can handle teasing. Obviously he shouldn't have to put up with being singled out for constant teasing, but when trading does happen he can learn to deal with it.

Original poster
Creeper8 · 29/09/2018 08:47

He has long hair. They keep calling him a girl and laughing at him. Last year they wouldnt let him in the boys toilets because hes “not a boy.” Which resulted in him wetting himself.

He doesnt want to cut his hair (we spoke about it away from the bullying and he doesnt want to) and I dont think he should have to.

I will speak to the teachers again but I just dont want it to be one of those things where you speak to the teacher and nothing happens. Tried to tell him to stick up for himself but hes abit clueless.

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 29/09/2018 08:50

My daughter got teased because she went into school wearing trousers, seriously trousers!

So I can see why your son having long hair is making him a target. If it was my son, I would get his hair cut. It is just one of those things that will make him a target throughout his school years and unless he is confident boy, it's unlikely he be able to handle the teasing.

slapbitchface · 29/09/2018 08:53

I would cut his hair, and I would expect a child that was being bullied about his hair would also want to cut it - I am surprised he doesn't

Original poster
Creeper8 · 29/09/2018 08:59

I asked him in the holidays and he said no. I havent asked him since as when he said it again I didnt want him to think he has to get it cut because of bullies, Though I will mention it again today it its best but only if he wants it cut.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 29/09/2018 09:01

If this is the only thing that is happening, a bit if teasing about long hair, I would actually work on some come backs in the first instance. I do think a bit of teasing goes on with children, whether it's red hair/long hair/too tall/too short etc etc, and whilst it shouldn't happen, learning to ignore this nonsense is a good skill to have.

Wolfiefan · 29/09/2018 09:08

He shouldn’t have to get his hair cut if he doesn’t want to. If a particular child or group are targeting him and making lots of comments and deliberately trying to make home feel bad then that’s bullying. If occasionally random children say thoughtless things then that’s a little different. No they shouldn’t be unkind but I would be encouraging him to develop resilience and the ability not to be hurt by a one off stupid comment.
Not letting him in the toilet? That’s horrid.

Original poster
Creeper8 · 29/09/2018 09:14

But its upsetting him and the blocking him from using the toilets meant he wet himself which is embarrassing (then no doubt he will be teased for that if it happens again). I dont think it should be ignored, I dont think ignoring works, it tends to make people carrying on. Seems to be the same group of boys (3 of them)

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 29/09/2018 09:21

I think the teachers need to be a bit more pro active with this sort of thing but I would try to speak to someone to see what's going on.

BarbarianMum · 29/09/2018 09:24

Ignoring the occasional off comment can be a useful skill. Ignoring sustained teasing (moving to bullying) is not. School need to be a lot more proactive in stamping down on this. And no he doesnt have to cut his hair if he doesnt want to. Angry The problem is not with him.

spanieleyes · 29/09/2018 09:31

The school can tell the children not to name call, they can punish them if they do, But they can't stop it happenning. It's simply not possible. Speak to the teacher, make sure they are aware of the situation, that they are proactive in trying to stop the name calling but also teach your son how to deal with it himself-try to ensure he is secure in what he wants and can brush off any incidents. It needs a two pronged approach.

Dandelion321 · 29/09/2018 09:35

Can't believe I've read this.. It's so like what we went through. My son,who's now in year 4 had this since reception. He's a very sensitive boy and wouldn't hurt a fly also had longish hair. One of the youngest too. They kept saying was a girl etc and changing his name. Chasing him around and pushing him. It resulted in him hating school,and actually having his hair cut so he'd be ' like the other boy's.' it broke our hearts. He couldn't just ignore it even though we tried to tell him. He wanted to leave the school and began having night terrors. We mentioned on several occasions to the teachers and they didn't really get how it was distressing him so we eventually wrote a rather stern email to the headteacher demanding this be sorted out also with the names of the other kids instigating it. It was resolved and the other children had a talking to along with their parents. As it's been officially logged it's now monitored. Don't put up with it. Go direct to the head/ governors etc.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 29/09/2018 09:37

He has long hair. They keep calling him a girl and laughing at him. Last year they wouldnt let him in the boys toilets because hes “not a boy.” Which resulted in him wetting himself.

This is totally unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated. I would print out the school's anti-bullying policy. Go and speak to the teacher and ask him/her for her plan of action and follow up regularly.