So, you guys didn't discuss this before you were married/had children?

How long have you known that you wanted a big family?

Even if your answer is 'he knew all along I wanted a big family' - I kind of feel like no one really understands how many children they want until they have them. I entertained the notion of four before I had my first, and my husband had to cajole me into number two.

You are acting totally irrational.

Sorry but the person who wants the least amount of children gets their way. You can't force someone to have a child.

I say that as someone who desperately wanted a third.

Sorry you're sad OP.

I'd be wary of forcing the issue if you are happy now as he may come to resent you if things are changed by a third baby in ways he is predicting now. Can you talk about it some more, regardless of the past? I think it's a bit unfair to say we agreed on X children so that's what I want because sometimes things change (I'm not saying you have but people do). I feel for you.

This isn't something that can be compromised on, so the person who wants less gets veto, you have multiple children already, enjoy the family you have rather than wishing for something else.

I understand that you are upset however the person who doesn't want another wins..

A family member thought a bit like this although there was also a big amount of 'there's limited resources in this world and a lot of uncared for children'. So they became foster parents. I'm not recommending you do that though without a lot of discussion. And I suspect from what you've said about your DH he thinks that would stretch you even further. He'd be right there but my relation"s kids have grown and developed such a lot because of having to share their lives with some very damaged children.

I'm biased though, I'm one of 4, DH is one of 3. We have 3DC which is right for us, I agree with you that 2 is too small and neat, we like the chaos of 3. I very strongly think it's of greater value to have siblings than a private education but we have the money to pay for a house in a good location so have access to good state schools with naice pupils, maybe I wouldn't be so blaze if we had fewer options.

As far as what you do? Argue and cry probably. How much of the childcare does he really do? Will he listen if you tell him your life is enriched by siblings and you really want that for your children? Does he understand how important this is for you?

I want two children (we have two!) and my DH wants three children.

We are having two children. My DH is respectful of my decision - if he pushed it I would feel uncomfortable to be honest.

You need to respect your DH’s decision and try to deal with your own emotions to move on.

Don’t waste your existing chrildrens childhood by hankering after something that is not going to happen.

OP, I really am sorry that you're feeling this way. Especially if you had a vision in your head, and a big family is what you're used to. But I have to agree with the others, the person who wants the least/doesn't want any more unfortunately gets final say.

This bit stood out to me...
He cites all sorts of reasons from finances (we are considering private education, would want to be able to fund university etc) to time available to spend with them 1 on 1.

These are all very valid reasons that he is giving, and very sensible. Better that you are outstanding parents to two children that you can offer a lot to (time, finances, etc) than stretching yourselves with 3.

You're absolutely reasonable to feel the way you do, but your DH is also reasonable to not want another child for his Reasons stated.

I can see why, to your DH, this seems like a one sided argument. His concerns are very factual - if you have a third child it will be the case that you have less time, money and attention to bestow on each. They will have fewer opportunities. There will be more need and fewer resources.

Your arguments aren’t less valid, but they are less quantifiable. It’s very hard to measure things like good citizenship and sharing skills. Not to mention that these benefits might never arise. You recognise yourself that the family might be conflicted rather than harmonious.

All you can do is lay your case fairly before your husband - that you have faith that you and he as parents could raise a large family well and happily.

If he remains unconvinced you must make your peace. Are there other ways you could create that feeling of community in your family? Maybe by volunteering or by being the house where your DC’s friends are always welcome? There may be ways to create the environment you want with the family you have.

I think it's important to tell him exactly how much it means to you. I was desperate for a third, my husband would have happily stopped at two. I let him know how much it meant to me to try for another so we did. 3 is great and we r both happy with the decision. Problem is now I want a 4th.....haven't talked properly about it yet! I read something like, men have one more child than they'd ideally like and women have one less - think they will ring true for us

I’m pregnant with my second and my DH seems to think he wants 4 but this is absolutely my last. I was one of 3 and it was too many. I don’t know if he’s serious about another 2, but if he is he’s going to have to leave me and find someone else to have them with. There is no compromise to be had here

Not having siblings or having less siblings does not mean that they are more well rounded members of society or better able to cope in the big wide world!

I still think people should discuss number of children regardless of circumstances. My husband was told as a teenager that he was probably infertile, turns out he wasn't, but there are still complications with his fertility. I am an older first time Mother so we also knew we had more limited time to have them.

We still discussed the numbers early on in our relationship, he wanted 4, I wanted 2, we settled on 3, but that was because I changed my mind all on my own about only having 2 after I gave birth to our daughter. But had my husband said no let's stick to 2 after all then that would be that.

The additional children are all hypothetical though as we may not be able to have more.

@shannon2

You need to find a way to move past this because it sounds like you're allowing your sadness and desire to sour a good relationship.

AhYeahOkThen but your situation is quite different to say, mine and many. I met DH at 18. No one knows what they want then, despite what they say. We have both changed massively as people during the last 20 years. You can judge, but surely you can also see some of us have grown into our relationships, and people and things change.

I have a friend who is one of 4 and they are the closest family I have ever known. I really envy them. But its not that way for everyone. I know for certain that any more than my own 2 children would be too much for me because my son is hard work.
We have a lovely life at the moment and it feels very balanced because we have a boy and girl. I think you should respect your husbands wishes and enjoy the two you have

I guess there isn't much anyone here can do to change your husbands mind, it is his decision. Only you know if he's the kind of person to change his mind.

I've sort of ish been in a similar situation, before me and my husband were married or had kids we discussed this, obviously. He said he wanted 2, I wanted 3. We are both from 3 child families and both had a decent happy upbringing, niether rich money wise but very loving. He wanted 2 for practical reasons, car size, house size, holidays made for 4 etc. I wanted 3 as if just always imagined I'd have 3, no real reason.

After we had our first child my husband changed his mind, he told me that he wanted 3. We had our second child and shortly after that he said he didn't feel like our family was complete (yeah!). We are planning to go for number 3 next year. He's totally on board though and he came round to 3, I didn't bully him into it. If he'd have decided he was done at 2 we'd have stopped at 2 and I'd have to respect his decision. I was lucky in some ways that my husband wasn't dead against it, I think he just imagined 2 would be easier. I also think maybe part of it was being left out as a child as his siblings are twins, who knows though?

Op unless your husband changes is mind of his own accord there isn't much you can do, I don't really think it's something you should talk someone into.

I feel this taught me many essential life skills - including the fact that you don't always get what you need, sometimes you have to wait and share, resources are limited, time is limited, and you need to learn to get along with people

I managing to teach that to my only child, thank you very much.