To desperately want a third child.

[shannon2]

Regular poster, using a new ID.

I am happily married and we have two small children. Life is fairly good. We don't have many financial problems and we have a strong relationship. Obviously, with two littles, we argue from time to time, but overall we have a solid marriage and are very happy together.

After our second child was born, I mentioned to my husband that I would really love a third. He was adamant that he didn't. We didn't have much of a discussion about it. He said he had made his mind up and that 2 children was the perfect number. He seems to think it's very black and white that it's possible to parent 2 children much better than you could parent 3. He cites all sorts of reasons from finances (we are considering private education, would want to be able to fund university etc) to time available to spend with them 1 on 1. He thinks 2 parents to 3 children is unworkable.

I am one of 4 children. We grew up loved and happy and I feel I benefitted hugely from the large family. Yes, things were busy and chaotic at times, but I feel this taught me many essential life skills - including the fact that you don't always get what you need, sometimes you have to wait and share, resources are limited, time is limited, and you need to learn to get along with people. I honestly never for one second felt that my parents were spread too thin, that they didn't have enough time for me, that they didn't provide me with enough. The thought of growing up in a smaller household is not appealing to me - I have very strong bonds with all my siblings and they are my support system. I can only see positives to the large family I grew up in. I would love for my children to have the same. (I know not all large families are harmonious, and I also know my parents worked very hard on the family atmosphere and were religious about us all sitting down to dinner together etc.)

My husband grew up as one of 2 siblings and he simply feels any more than 2 is excessive.

I can understand that of course we would have more money per child if we have 2 than if we had more. The house would be a little more crowded. We would have a bit less money. We would be a lot busier. We'd be tired - or should I say, more tired! But I feel the social benefits to our children would be enormous, that having more siblings would make them better rounded members of society and better able to manage in the big wide world.

I feel genuinely sad about the fact that he's closed the door on this possibility. It's not just his conclusion - it's the fact that we never sat down and weighed this up together. He just said no, he'd already decided, no conversation. In my mind it has brought a real distance between us because I have been really hurt by it being shut down. I suppose I am the idiot here because I should have discussed my very strong desire for a larger family with him long before we had our first child. But I suppose before we had our two children, I didn't realise that having 1 or 2 would definitely be possible for us, let alone 3.

I am having enormous difficulty processing the fact that my current youngest may be my last baby. It is a huge issue for me and causes me a lot of pain both with regard to my family and with regard to my marriage. I am not even sure what I am asking for really - it seems his mind cannot be changed, that my reasons are not good enough in his eyes, and his are better. Of course I would never ever bring about a pregnancy without him being on board with it, but this situation leaves me feeling pretty devastated if I'm honest. I cry about it often and I know this will be my life's great regret. I appreciate that we are so, so lucky to have our two beautiful children and it is not my intention to hurt anyone who hasn't been so lucky.

I simply don't feel our family is complete and that my children will really miss out because of his preference for a smaller family. Rather ironically (to me), he says this is all for their sake. I am unable to quantify the things I feel a larger family may offer to benefit the development and quality of life of our children, but to be honest I feel he has made his mind up already so would not be amenable to even the most mathematical of arguments.

Has anyone else been here? What should I do?

[Strokethefurrywall]

I was you about 4 years ago OP, I understand completely how you feel.

I'm one of 3, I had an incredible childhood, very very close to my family. I always wanted 3 children, it was the magic number for me. I didn't care of the sexes, I just wanted to replicate what I had grown up with.

DH is one of 2 and always said 2 was enough but probably could have been persuaded if I'd hankered enough. I remember giving birth to DS2 and my second thought after seeing him was "please please God don't let this be my last baby!"

Friends of ours fell pregnant with their third when DS2 was about 4 months old and DH said "if we're going to do it, we'll need to do it soon" but despite knowing what I wanted, I didn't want to rush into it to "get it out of the way". I also knew that DH didn't really want three kids. We live in an extortionate part of the world, we can only privately educate our kids and we both work full time.

I asked him to let me think about it as DS2 was still so small, and if we were only going to have 2, I wanted to come to accept it in my own time, or at the very least before I turned 38 (which was my cut off for any more babies).

I'm turning 39 next week and I can only tell you that I'm so happy we stuck to two, and if a pee stick were to come up positive, my first reaction would be "oh fuck" not "yay!" - our boys are 7 and 4 years old and adore each other. DH and I are thriving in our careers, we can afford to do great things (personally as well as a family) and its starting to get easier and easier.

For me, I realised that it doesn't feel like there is anybody missing from our family, it never really did. It was hard to see that in the fog of baby hormones and the longed for picture I had in my mind, but as time has gone on I so pleased I didn't get stuck in a dogged determination to see through my "ideal" without thought to the reality.

Give yourself some time OP, in a few years I hope your reality is the same, and that you realise there is nobody missing.

I love newborns and babies, they're gorgeous, but about 2 years ago I realised I no longer felt that biological "yearn" when I held one. It was a very unfamiliar feeling because I'd spent my entire life broody really, with a desire to reproduce. To suddenly hold a newborn and feel very little other than cute affection was quite a benign feeling.


Don't get me wrong, I still have wistful "ahhh" moments when I think about having a mythical 3rd son, but the cons would, by far, outweigh the pros. I'm no longer broody and for that I'm so so grateful. I hope the same for you OP