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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if anyone enjoys their lives

86 replies

MrsHoodwink · 28/09/2018 13:39

May sound a bit melodramatic but I mean in the sense that I get up, school run, cleaning, school pick up, cooking, more cleaning, exhausting bedtime routine (two DC’s under 6yrs that share a room)...

Sit and look at my empty bank balance/debts, look at my shitty council house that I’m trapped in and it’s the same every day like Groundhog Day.

The entire time being screamed at by two smaller versions of me, one with autism. Surely this isn’t it Confused I get that I chose to have kids but I didn’t think there would be no enjoyment left (apart from the little moments with them of course! But I mean day-to-day living)

Aibu to think there must people out there genuinely happy most of the time Sad And if so... how do you do it?! Grin

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 28/09/2018 15:43

And if so... how do you do it?

I don't have to contend with what you're going through Flowers

I think though - and for me this is because my life hasn't panned out as it was planned - the important thing is to try and let go of regret. It might not be what I planned, but it's mine, it's the only one I've got.

mostdays · 28/09/2018 15:45

I enjoy bits of it. I have to work hard to make sure I recognise when I am having a nice moment (like this morning, I was on the bus to work which was actually on time for once, drinking a coffee, it was sunny, I had my earphones in an a song I love came on, I was reading a nice text from DH reminding me it was Friday. That was a nice moment) so that I don't just focus on all the times I'm tired and stressed and being harrassed by the dc and shouted at by patients/ external professionals/ colleagues and worrying about money and listening to school tell me again that ds1 has had a dreadful day and is on the brink of exclusion etc etc etc.

I argue that ForgotwhatIcameinherefor's is pretty bad and doesn't actually make you feel any better at all. A headache is still painful even if someone else has a brain tumour, living in an unheated mouldy home is still shit even if someone else is sleeping on a pavement, only being able to afford value beans and value bread for tea for a week is still rubbish even if someone else is eating out of bins. My mum does that 'cheer up think how bad things could be' thing and all it does is a)make me feel like shit for being sorry for myself when others have it worse and b)make me sad for people who have it worse.

SweetSummerchild · 28/09/2018 15:45

I am genuinely happy with my life.

OK, I’m going irreversibly blind, I’ve had to surrender my driving license, can’t read a book and can’t go mountain biking any more. On the other hand, I don’t have to go to work and have been able to take my pension early (at 42).

DH and I don’t really have money worries. I think that contributes a great deal towards reducing stress. Money certainly doesn’t buy happiness (there is a thread going on here about a woman who is seriously rich but seriously miserable) but lack of it can be hell.

I volunteer in a Foodbank which is also a drop-in cafe for the homeless and those who are ill, disabled or in poverty. I come out of it every week feeling incredibly grateful for my own situation.

MadisonMontgomery · 28/09/2018 15:52

Yes I do. I think it’s very easy to look at other people’s lives and feel jealous - like that saying, comparison is the thief of joy, but remember that nobody’s life is perfect. Concentrate on the good things in your life, rather than the bad and you’ll feel much more positive.

Flynnshine · 28/09/2018 15:54

My daughter has an incurable cancerous brain tumour which had caused her to lose her eyesight so my life is fraught with worry and stress and more worry. Every day is a challenge, we spend a lot of time in hospitals and somehow manage to work, sleep and eat around that.

No one would swap their life with mine, but I feel lucky every day I still have my daughter, I too often see parents having to say goodbye to theirs.

But no, I certainly don't enjoy my life and I think that things like Facebook really gives a false impression of what life is really like x

PodgeBod · 28/09/2018 16:02

try taking 5 mins to imagine how life would be if you didn’t have a shitty council house, you had an even shittier rental, along with a huge shortfall in housing benefit to pay every month and the constant wondering how long before the landlord who never fixes anything decides to serve you notice to quit because he doesn’t need an excuse This is my situation as well, it's awful.

Hugs for you OP. I was just saying to DP last night how I never have any fun and that I feel miserable all of the time. He just didn't get it. I just don't know the last time I had a funny, happy conversation with an adult. I wouldn't say I hate life but I'm definitely not enjoying it. That being said I wouldn't trade my kids for the world, most of my problems and unhappiness stems from a lack of money and hopefully that won't be forever.

Cornishclio · 28/09/2018 16:05

Yes I am but I do remember when I had young children life seemed hard work, money was tight and it was difficult to do anything other than cope with getting through the day. You have 2 DC with SEN so that will be hard. You don't mention a partner so I assume you are a lone parent?

It might help to have a plan maybe to improve your financial position and housing situation. Do you work? One thing I found which helped was when my DDs were small I worked part time and when I picked them up from school I would spend a couple of hours just enjoying their company. Reading books, going to the park, acting out plays with them and so on. Housework in the early days took a back seat and clearing up was done when they were both in bed. They were happier and that impacted on my mood too.

theconstantinoplegardener · 28/09/2018 16:13

I enjoy my life very much. I have a great DH, lovely DCs (no SN ), and I have good health. Like you, I'm on the school run/cleaning/cooking/bedtime merry-go-round (my DH works long hours so isn't able to help). However, my DC are all at school now so I do have a bit of free time during the day. I quite enjoy cleaning etc but, like PP, I also put the radio on in and find something interesting or entertaining to listen to - it really makes a difference! I don't have a dog but I walk a dog for someone who can't and that makes me happy too. The dog's delight in seeing me is gratifying and his enthusiasm on our walks is contagious! I also think carving out a bit of time each day to do something you really enjoy - be it having a friend over for a cuppa, watching an old episode of Friends or pootling around on Mumsnet - is really important to help you feel happy and fulfilled. Finding this time may be easier said than done if your youngest is still at home, but your happiness is important for your family as well as for you, since it will affect your interactions with your DC.

LordOfTheFleas · 28/09/2018 16:18

You sound pretty lucky to me, physically healthy, two children, a stable home, some people dream of these things.
It's very hard sometimes but you really need to count your blessings.

user1andonly · 28/09/2018 16:20

I have three young adult dc now, middle one has asd. He's doing well these days, but I can empathise.

The time in my life when I was my happiest (I at least felt safe and content most of the time) was from when the youngest was about 8 up until the eldest left for university five years later (and empty nest syndrome kicked in with a vengeance!)

I hope you will find things get easier - it's always tough when they are little, especially as it sounds like you don't have a lot of support. When mine got older I found I really, really appreciated silly little things like being able to sit with a brew and watch Home&Away after tea instead of being straight into the bath/bed routine; when I taught them all to make their own breakfasts and sandwich lunches on a weekend (they gained some independence skills and I felt a bit less like the maid!) and, of course, when they started to sleep a bit later on a weekend morning. Things like a lie-in become very precious when you've not had one for years!

Flowers
Shopkinsdoll · 28/09/2018 16:25

Same every day, stresses of getting kids up for school, school run, work. Fb causes people to feel like this too as people post about their ‘perfect’ life’s.

Singlenotsingle · 28/09/2018 16:26

Yes I enjoy my life. It gets better as you get older, the kids grow up, the money situation gets easier. I've got a wonderful dp, 2 grandkids, extended family, a few friends and a nice house. The drudgery never goes away, do the washing up, clean the kitchen, cut the grass, Hoover, clean the bathroom - but if you make that lowest priority, it's not too bad (I haven't found the answer yet!)

BadLad · 28/09/2018 16:36

I see a few people have beaten me to I don't have kids

So I think I'll go and post that on the How did you get rich? thread instead.

thisisntmeok · 28/09/2018 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Getoffthetableplease · 28/09/2018 16:49

It's so hard isn't it. I feel stuck and a bit crappy about things too. I'm trying to just take the time to appreciate the really small things, like sun on my face, smell of my tea, feel of my socks etc. Some people may laugh but sometimes it's just good to know there's something nice at any given point.

Never really understand the mentality of 'could be worse, you could be...', sure there is always going to be someone worse off, but that's not going to automatically make anyone not in that situation feel happy, is it.

Right along with you, OP.

pollygreen7 · 28/09/2018 17:22

I now feel happy a lot of the time, but also spent quite a few years struggling to 'spark joy'. I wondered how on earth I was meant to feel happy dragging an unhappy 2 year old to swimming lessons and thought that made me a bad Mum.

I did small incremental things to make me feel like a good Mum and did at least one thing a day to make me feel happy. I started with small things like half an hour of really engaged playing, or trying to 'happily' clear one part of the kitchen, a walk in the park every day, lemon in water, doing some reading once a week. My happiness has also hugely increased since I've become very selective about who I see and who I give my mental time to.

I think happiness takes practise but also there are different types of happiness. I don't think I'll be happy like I was pre-child for a while and accepting that made me able to appreciate I was actually happy but just in a different way.

faeriequeen · 28/09/2018 17:22

I love my life. One toddler. We'd love another but age not on my side. Still, I am lucky.

Chrisinthemorning · 28/09/2018 17:28

Yes. Sorry yours isn’t happy Flowers
I have a lovely DH who does more than his share, not like some of the men/ children I read about on here. One lovely DS who is 6 which is a fab age. No money worries at present. Very lucky with house/ friends/family. Very very lucky at the moment -all healthy. Good job but I have bad anxiety from it, but not so bad I don’t enjoy my life. Aiming to retire before it gets me- 10 years?
Life can turn on a dime so know that this state of affairs may not last.

thisisntmeok · 28/09/2018 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pursefirst · 28/09/2018 17:46

I hope you feel happier soon OP.

I also think that happiness has a lot to do with perspective and no-one (or at least only a very lucky few) can be 100% happy all the time.

I have a lovely (mostly) DH, two dogs and cats, a great jobs with tonnes of travel and a lovely home. BUT, I had cancer 6 years ago and almost died, was left infertile and live on a different continent from my family.

Some days, I feel perfectly happy because I've had a great day at work, or my pets are being adorable, or DH has done something nice. Other days, I feel really sad because I worry that the cancer will come back, I get extremely homesick for my family, I wonder about the children I will never have.

That's quite the ramble OP, but I guess what I'm saying is that some days it is easier to see the bad than the good and vice versa.

Dremelza · 28/09/2018 19:58

You're not being unreasonable Mrs Hoodwink Flowers.. Life is really effing tough with a child with difficulties like ASD (I get it, I'm there too) without other crap being chucked in the mix... Hoping there's a light at the end of tunnel for you and for all of us feeling like this Flowers xxx

Original poster
MrsHoodwink · 28/09/2018 20:03

Your comments have meant the world to me so far everyone, thank you! thinking of everyone who feels equally as shit Flowers

So nice to hear that some of you are genuinely happy, it gives me so much hope. You’re definitely right about perspective sometimes when the days are endless you get stuck with one negative perspective and certainly in some ways I am blessed

I’d agree that i envy others lives maybe too much (thanks social media), but places like MN tell it as it really is and I love that. I mostly envy those who had loving homes and happy childhoods, I don’t have fond childhood memories thanks to physical abuse (which I receive counselling for) and I think that taints my view on the world also. Possibly Ive always seen it as a cruel place

But yes some people don’t have a home and some are very ill Sad this breaks my heart, I know it’s a bit “hippy” but I really do just wish happiness for everyone, the world can seem so unfair Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsHoodwink · 28/09/2018 20:04

Also thanks for all the great advice... tonight I’m having a long hot bath with a book, just for me Smile

OP posts:
jarhead123 · 28/09/2018 20:07

I love my life. It's quite repetitive but it works for me. I think it helps that I take pleasure in small things. Enjoying a nice breakfast, walking the dog, reading my book, a tv show. My life is as mundane as the next persons, but I try to enjoy it as much as I can.

Agustarella · 28/09/2018 20:13

I don't blame you. Debt is worrying and cleaning is no fun. (Could you do less cleaning? It sounds like you do a lot.)

On the upside, at least you have the security of a council house, and the kids will be easier as they get older. I'm a single parent too and it does get less full-on as the youngest gets older.