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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I deserve a thank you?

36 replies

CadleCrap · 28/09/2018 13:03

Twin nephews 14th birthday.

Sent them each an Australian $50 prepaid Visa card. Unbeknown to me there is a fault with some of these card so some were loaded with the wrong amount.( not UK)

I paid $110 in total, $5 for each card activation fee.

One twin had $50 on their card, the other $100 due to the fault.

Their mun( my sister) has said thanks and told me the $50/100 story, but the boys haven’t.

My sister and I were brought up to send thank you cards, l remember our Mum writing out the thank you letter and having to copy it before I could even write.

I don’t expect a letter , but the boys both have a phone and could have sent me a text. It has been two weeks since their birthday.

Or are they pissed off with me that one got $50 and the other $100 so therefore no thanks?

AIBU to expect at least one thank you? Or does my sister saying thank you on behalf of her boys constitute their thanks?

Btw it is my sons birthday (10) next week and I know my sister has sent him a present and the first thing I will make him do is send a thank you email.

OP posts:
MrsZB · 28/09/2018 13:07

Of course they should send a quick thank you text. How did they resolve the difference in money?

RangeRider · 28/09/2018 13:09

Of course they should thank you! And they should split the money 50/50.

Original poster
CadleCrap · 28/09/2018 13:11

They didn’t resolve it, one spent $100, the other $50. They are fraternal twins and there is a lot of rivalry.

OP posts:
RangeRider · 28/09/2018 13:13

Their mother is at fault then. She knows it wasn't meant to be like that and should have put her foot down. But they still should have thanked you.

ferrier · 28/09/2018 13:14

That's easily resolved by your sister withholding $25 of twin 1s pocket money and giving it to twin 2.

And yes, they should be sending you thank yous. It's not your sister's job.

thecatsthecats · 28/09/2018 13:17

Of course they should thank you, though I would be lenient on the one who 'only' received $50, because he could be understandably be miffed and bitter about the whole thing - not your fault, and he's in peak teen years.

The other is being a bit of a toerag.

Btw I have no idea how soon you meant by 'immediately' but I remember literally 'immediately' writing thank yous sucking the joy out of receiving gifts. It's the same as opening gifts in front of people and having to display insane amounts of pleasure - gift receiving becomes about showing thanks to the giver, not enjoying the gift. As a keen giver, I'd rather they could genuinely enjoy the experience than tying it to an immediate display of gratitude! I write my thank yous at leisure within a week of receipt.

BewarePregnancyHormones · 28/09/2018 13:17

At 14 I would expect my children to thank relatives for presents!
My 4 year old can manage it (with slight reminders) so they should be able to!

As for the money split, the mother should have sorted it. It wasn't intentional on your behalf.

Original poster
CadleCrap · 28/09/2018 13:25

@thecatsthecats I don’t think I used the word immediately. I know our Mum made us write and post thank you letters within two weeks of Christmas or birthdays, but that was the 80s and snail mail. A text is pretty damn quick! And a hell of a lot less laborious! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
CadleCrap · 01/10/2018 11:06

Slight update.
I spoke to my mum who obviously spoke to DSis
I woke to this message this morning

FYI. Boys tried ringing you on their birthday and then the Sunday to thank you. Then they went on camp.

I replied

How strange I have no voice mail, missed calls or texts. I have a missed FaceTime from you. Never mind, must be my phone.

I don’t have an iPhone so can’t get Facetime when I am out.

I then received this

It was 2 face time calls. Sorry that they have disappointed you, shame they are not perfect.

I am Itching to reply, sorry didn’t know 2 FaceTime calls equalled thank you.

Guessing I should take the upper hand and ignore?

OP posts:
Tomatoesrock · 01/10/2018 11:18

Yes ignore her response, she is over reacting as your DM passed the message, let her cool down and reply later, save an argument.

They should have sent a thank you text, hopefully they'll learn from this.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2018 11:23

I'd let it cool. Mum has stirred the pot, you don't need to make it bubble over.
They tried to call, then they're teens and forgot. Not great but not worth a row.

I'd possibly reply you wanted to check twin a was still talking to you after the money mishap and that they'd shared the money, hope they had a good camp and you'll speak to them all soon

Cheeeeislifenow · 01/10/2018 11:28

I think I'd let it go. I would try to contact the boys back.. they did try to contact you and mum thanked you as well.

Original poster
CadleCrap · 01/10/2018 11:51

I’m totally going to let it go, but I think I am now more pissed off that dsis just didn’t go, aww shit! Didn’t they thank you? I’ll get on to it.

Really, this is the equivalent to ringing the home phone twice and as no one was in, thinking that is enough of a thank you. And not bothering to leave a voicemail.

DS’s bday is in a few days.....he will be sending an email to thank dsis for his present through his own account as he doesn’t have a phone, that is assuming she isn’t enough of a bitch to take it out on DS

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2018 12:10

Well she's your sis, do you think she would?

Can't believe she either didn't give you the extra money back or make them share it

Racecardriver · 01/10/2018 12:16

Thank you cards aren't a thing in Australia. The only people I knew growing who did them were white British but even then not the majority of them.

Original poster
CadleCrap · 01/10/2018 12:31

@sleeping yes I would have expected her to do that, so perhaps there is something else going on that I don’t know. Thanks for that insight.

@Racecardriver I told of how my sister and I were expected to write thank you card decades ago, I don’t expect this of the boys.

A text, voicemail etc. They could have even recorded a FaceTime message, but no, according to dsis, two missed calls is enough.

OP posts:
BathroomLights · 01/10/2018 12:35

Your sister is encouraging a big problem for these two poor boys by not making them share. Why would anyone do that to their own children?

MrsZB · 01/10/2018 12:37

It sounds like there is a back story between you and dsis though?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 01/10/2018 12:40

God she sounds pass-agg as anything! Just like sisters should be Wink

I’d be miffed as well, I’ve never been big on sending thank you cards as I’d rather say it or text it as a last resort. I only send cards to people who I’ve asked to not send presents but still do!

If I was your sister I would have split the £ evenly and told them to text you a thank you. She’s being petty with the ‘sorry they’re not perfect’ line and that would piss me off. Me and my sister both suffer from needing to have the last word-itis so I would probably respond.

Dontfeellikeamillenial · 01/10/2018 12:42

It was 2 face time calls. Sorry that they have disappointed you, shame they are not perfect.

^^

She actually said that? Shock

Original poster
CadleCrap · 01/10/2018 12:51

I am not sure why anyone is thinking I expected a card, I don’t but I do expect a thank you...text, voicemail, video message, carrier pigeon etc.

@Dontfeellikeamillenial yes!

There’s isn’t really a backstory, we generally get on well , a few niggles being sisters but not that is noticeable on any scale.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 01/10/2018 13:34

@cadlecrap what I mean is that you don't do thank yous beyond a thank you if the gift is given to you in person/next time you see the person. It's not considered necessary to go out of your way to thank someone. Obviously it's nice but not expected. As an Australian an attempt at facetiming you seems fine to me. Thank you cards and their modern derivatives are really not even remotely a thing over there. You must remember that it really is a completely different culture. They mean no slight at all in not thanking you and I am sure they are not doing it out of spite. You are over thinking it.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2018 15:06

There's no back story but you suspect she'll ignore your son to piss you off.

user1235673559834 · 02/10/2018 04:28

Thank you cards aren't a thing in Australia.

Absolutely not true. Most people I know send a thank you note/card/email for birthdays/weddings/engagements etc.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2018 05:07

It depends how they have been brought up, surely? I was never taught to send thank yous so I didn’t. As an adult I realise how wrong this was. I sent thank you cards for wedding presents. And now send thank you cards for dds presents. Dd writes them herself now.

The only time my sil ever contacted me about a present to her ds was when she didn’t receive anything. For me that’s an odd way to act as an adult. Your dsis just has different standards to you. The fact she / the children’s father didn’t rectify the $50 discrepancy speaks volumes.