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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset?

33 replies

IrnBruAndTwiglets · 28/09/2018 10:40

I've found out this morning that my DP of 4 years has spent £450 in the last month on e-cigarettes and liquids and it's left me feeling a bit upset.

When we first met he smoked cigarettes, none of my friends or family smoke and I found the sudden smell and breathing in smoke really difficult. I encouraged him (perhaps wrongly, I genuinely wanted to help but in hindsight maybe it came across as controlling?) to stop and he started on patches and then got an e-cigarette and found using that much easier. He started on a high strength and slowly worked down, saying he didn't crave anymore, he tried a cigarette and couldn't smoke it and by the time he was on 0%, he seemed genuinely not fussed and stopped altogether. He's not had anything at all in over two years and I've been so proud of him for going from a pack a day to zero.

I know that I have been massively unreasonable by looking at his internet history, I feel like a crappy human being for doing it. He's entitled to his privacy and it was wrong of me. I just feel a bit gutted that, if he's ordered them for himself, he couldn't just tell me.

We have joint finances and the card is in his name but one I don't recognise so he has a hidden card, and I just wouldn't spend that amount of money without at least mentioning it to him. We've just moved house so don't have money just to throw around, it's tight.

His DM also uses e-cigarettes but the fact that he was getting them delivered to his work address and not our old flat makes me think he's been deliberately keeping it from me. The last order came to our new house but it's not in the house this morning.

I'm sorry this has been so long and I guess to a lot of people this would be a complete non issue, he's an adult and can make his own choices. I guess I just feel upset that he couldn't tell me, I feel daft for thinking he's not needed nicotine for years when he's hiding it at work, the cost, the unknown bank card and that they've been sent to his work address. AIBU or getting carried away at nothing?

OP posts:
Havaina · 28/09/2018 10:43

Did he use joint money to buy them?

Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 10:44

Did he tell you he'd stopped or did you assume? I can't stand lying.

I'd be unhappy with the secret account IF all of your income and expenditure is supposedly declared on your joint budget to help you run your lives.

IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat · 28/09/2018 10:47

It's always a shock to discover the person you love has been lying to you for a long time.

But just as shocking is the amount of money he's spent. Is that supposed to be family money? Do you get to spent £450 on something now? I'd be going ballistic.

Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 28/09/2018 10:53

Everything is joint money, we both put into the pot. We don't micromanage it to the point of asking permission everytime we buy something, it just wouldn't work, but if it's a big spend we talk about it first - supposedly! We have a budget spreadsheet that's not stuck to rigidly but keeps us right and the balance left over after all our monthly spending like mortgage, food shopping etc isn't a huge amount so we don't have the luxury of throwing money about.

Yep he's been completely open about stopping, we lived together from six months in so I knew when he was dropping down a strength in liquid and when he stopped altogether.

I just feel a bit betrayed, we've just bought a house together and he couldn't tell me this.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 10:54

In that case you HAVE been betrayed. I would be hurt and angry.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/09/2018 10:55

No yanbu I'd be pretty stunned too.

Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 28/09/2018 11:06

He's going to come in tonight from work and I won't be able to say why I'm feeling like this. I'd have to explain I looked at his history and it would cause a huge argument. He would see it as a betrayal of his trust, even though he's hidden something from me.

I guess I'll need to keep an eye out for any more orders, which means more snooping and that bothers me, and maybe open the next parcel 'accidentally'. Argh he's an idiot.

OP posts:
ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 28/09/2018 11:08

Not the point of this but how has he spent £450 in one month?? I vape and even if I bought new gear it wouldn't cost that, I spend £20-30 a month and I vape a lot!!

Sparklyfee · 28/09/2018 11:14

How will you open the next parcel of it's delivered to his work? Hmm

They could be for his mum or someone at work and exactly what did he buy for it to cost so much?

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 28/09/2018 11:17

How on earth has he spent 450? I vape and spent about 12 a month maybe 18Hmm

Strawberrybelly · 28/09/2018 11:20

The cost doesn't make sense. What has he bought for £450? I vape and would really struggle to spend that much in a month. I spend about £20 on liquids a month and probably £30 every few months on bits that need replacing.

Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 28/09/2018 11:23

Sorry for not being clearer in my OP, the last order came to our new house and the other orders were placed when we lived in our old flat and were delivered to his work. We've only just moved in.

My first reaction when I saw it was 'how much?!' It seems excessive for 4 weeks. He's bought 2 e-pens, 1 e-cigarette and 60 pods/refills. When he did vape in the past he always had a spare so it's not outwith the realms of possibility for the pens to be for him. I have no clue how long 60 would last...

You're right, he could have bought them for other people but I still would have expected some kind of conversation around spending that in a short space of time, even just to say when they'd pay it back so I wouldn't worry.

OP posts:
Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 28/09/2018 11:24

After reading your replies it seems crazy excessive!

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 28/09/2018 11:30

Don’t be at all ashamed of trying to trace such a large sum of money. I’d be honest and say I’d noticed the discrepancy in finances and been worried hence checking if DP had spent it or it had been stolen.

You are absolutely within your rights to be sad he couldn’t discuss this and also be annoyed at the large sum. Is he vaping liquid gold?

CardsforKittens · 28/09/2018 11:31

That's considerably more than I used to spend each month on a 30-a-day tobacco habit. I suppose it's healthier though.

But secret spending is not ok in a relationship where you live together and share financial commitments.

LifesABeachCoaster · 28/09/2018 11:34

£450 on the items you have mentioned does not ring true to me. Can I ask, how did you view his order by going through internet history? Did it bring you to the order page?

I think you have to say you stumbled across it. Something has to be said. I vape a lot and my DP does. We spend around £10 per month. Our actual vapes cost £35 each.

He must be ordering all manner of modifications for it.

Am I right that he is using liquid with nicotine in?

Strawberrybelly · 28/09/2018 11:37

I have one top bit and 2 batteries so I can use one while the batteries charge so I can understand him buying 2 but not 3. Not sure what the pods are I just buy liquid for mine.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/09/2018 12:03

How come you were checking his internet history?

joystir59 · 28/09/2018 12:07

Is he buying for his mum and she reimbursing him?

Returnofthesmileybar · 28/09/2018 12:08

Unless he has opened a vape shop supplying them then there isn't a hope in hell he spent that much on vaping. My dh vapes and wouldn't spend that in a year! I just don't think that's possible.

fantasmasgoria1 · 28/09/2018 12:12

You can buy liquids from the pound shop! Unless he is buying state of the art vape machines! Crikey

Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 28/09/2018 12:38

I'm shaking, I would't believe it if I hadn't seen it.

I honestly can't imagine him selling it. Putting myself in the shoes of an e-cig user, surely you would just go to one of the many places that sells them? The shops are all over the place, it's not like you have to go out of your way to find one.

When I looked on his history there was a list of the same website and I noticed the word Vape and when I clicked on it it took me to the login page and the username and password were already populated, so I logged in and looked at previous orders. I know it was wrong of me. When we first started seeing each other I felt something was off, he was very secretive with his phone so I looked and found out there was a crossover of a few months with another woman from work. He ended things things with her and I've tried to forget it and build a trusting relationship but there's always a niggle in my mind. Not a great basis for a relationship I know, but I love him to bits.

OP posts:
Original poster
IrnBruAndTwiglets · 28/09/2018 13:09

When I confronted him 4 years ago about what I found, he was understandably angry I had looked at his phone. I felt what I had found trumped that and we moved on. My worry is that if I confront him now over this, he'll see my snooping as something we can't come back from. So I face losing him. He called from his lunch and I acted normally because I was worried about rocking the boat. I just can't do that long term because I want an explanation.

OP posts:
indianwoman · 28/09/2018 13:28

But those things that you say wouldn't cost £450. Are you sure?

justpoppingby · 28/09/2018 13:41

I may be confusing something but surely if your account is joint you can just say Oi wtf has this £450 quid gone on ?