AIBU to feel upset?

[IrnBruAndTwiglets]

I've found out this morning that my DP of 4 years has spent £450 in the last month on e-cigarettes and liquids and it's left me feeling a bit upset.

When we first met he smoked cigarettes, none of my friends or family smoke and I found the sudden smell and breathing in smoke really difficult. I encouraged him (perhaps wrongly, I genuinely wanted to help but in hindsight maybe it came across as controlling?) to stop and he started on patches and then got an e-cigarette and found using that much easier. He started on a high strength and slowly worked down, saying he didn't crave anymore, he tried a cigarette and couldn't smoke it and by the time he was on 0%, he seemed genuinely not fussed and stopped altogether. He's not had anything at all in over two years and I've been so proud of him for going from a pack a day to zero.

I know that I have been massively unreasonable by looking at his internet history, I feel like a crappy human being for doing it. He's entitled to his privacy and it was wrong of me. I just feel a bit gutted that, if he's ordered them for himself, he couldn't just tell me.

We have joint finances and the card is in his name but one I don't recognise so he has a hidden card, and I just wouldn't spend that amount of money without at least mentioning it to him. We've just moved house so don't have money just to throw around, it's tight.

His DM also uses e-cigarettes but the fact that he was getting them delivered to his work address and not our old flat makes me think he's been deliberately keeping it from me. The last order came to our new house but it's not in the house this morning.

I'm sorry this has been so long and I guess to a lot of people this would be a complete non issue, he's an adult and can make his own choices. I guess I just feel upset that he couldn't tell me, I feel daft for thinking he's not needed nicotine for years when he's hiding it at work, the cost, the unknown bank card and that they've been sent to his work address. AIBU or getting carried away at nothing?

I'm sure, there are 6 orders and I've totalled them up.

That's the thing, the payment card he's used isn't the one he has for our joint account. I know what that ends with because we use just-eat and his card is registered to that so I see it fairly often (we need to stop eating takeaways!). So he's potentially got a credit card so I can't see the payments. I check the mobile app but infrequently and we have a joint credit card that he takes to do with, so maybe he thinks if I question it, he'll say he's paying off the credit card. I just can't make sense of it. I'm going round in circles trying to justify it but it doesn't make sense. Even if he was buying them for his mum, from what you are saying it's big quantities and there's no way she would buy so many so often.

So what else is he paying for?

Okay so the e cigarette stuff was purchased with a non joint account card...so you weren't tracing back a purchase you saw in the account...to match with hisc history.

So why were you looking at his history to begin with? This will probably be his first question too.

I'm crap at explaining things, I've read myself back and the card thing wasn't the clearest. Yep, I don't recognise the card he's used at all and have no way of seeing what he's spending on it. It's another thing to worry about.

I don't have a solid reason for looking at his history. I've started working doing shifts again and my sister really recommended watching Bodyguard so I jumped on his laptop to binge watch it on my day off. I've started doing shifts again and I guess since the beginning with seeing me and someone else at once, there's been a bit of a lack of trust and I just checked.

But I have no clue how to explain myself, I've been told never to mention her because he said if there's no trust then we can't go on. And I can't think of a valid reason to explain checking it.

I looked more into what he'd bought because like you all said, the cost doesn't make sense. When I've clicked on the pods, it shows you get so many in a pack and some are included when you buy an e-cig, so I've totalled them all up and there's over 380 of them. I then googled average daily puffs to see how long they'd last. It seems that over the last month he's bought enough for the course of a year.

Assuming it's a shared computer, would it not be reasonable to say to him (quite truthfully as far as I can tell from what you've said) that you stumbled on the page in the web history by accident. Don't mention that you actually logged in and looked at the order. Just say 'I notice you've visited this site a few times, are you struggling with the cigarette cravings again?' and see what he says?

Crosspost. I'd start by going to a website that starts with the same letter[s] as the one he's been using - something you might feasibly be looking at, a girly shop or something he knows your interested in. And then you can say that it popped up when I started typing X address in the browser (check it does!) if he knows you use his laptop sometimes and it's visible then he can hardly really argue with you spotting the site address.

Another thought: Given the extraordinary quantities and the fact that he has some secret bank card, do you think maybe he could be selling them to make some extra money on the side or something?

Is he ordering for someone else? You will be able to identify if it's a debit or credit card with a Google search if you have the card number