To be fucking fed up with DH

[amifuck]

AIBU to be fucking fed up that every time me and DH have an argument he will ring up MIL and tell her all about it??? This happens even after we have "made up" from said argument.

I'm sick of having no fucking privacy!!!! I need some hardline MN advice about how to deal with this situation.

Yes I have to agree that there's double standards at work here. Aren't we supposed to be encouraging men to talk about their issues?

How often do you row? We row about twice a year if that.

I’m afraid I agree with previous posters who’ve mentioned double standards. I possibly “over share” with my mother because I’m the type of person who needs to talk things through with someone to get over it. I don’t slag my husband off and she absolutely doesn’t use the information against him. In fact my husband has told me in the past that he doesn’t like that I do this, but I’d be very unhappy if I couldn’t “vent”. I do think women share more than men about their relationships as a way of coping with life. As long as your husband isn’t slating you and your MIL is sympathetic then it may have to be something you learn to accept if you want to stay in the relationship

But what is the OP's relationship like with her MIL?
Does the Mil use amy"info" against her?
Personally I would hate my DS's to call me and tell me of the arguments as I really don't want to be bothered. Perhaps the MIL sits on the other end of the phone thinking "why is he telling me all this I don't really want to know all this, why can't he get off the phone, I want to go and watch Corrie"
I see no difference in theory with him confiding in a friend , however he is doing this in front of his wife so she sees/hears this, confiding in a mate would not happen in front of the OP it would be down the pub, or elsewhere away from the home.
Op who do you confide/sound off to?

I agree with @Notacluewhatthisis

Wow he goes running to mummy everytime there is an argument. This will never work.

I dunno.

When I was younger I used to tell my Mum about rows I had with my dh. I wasn't "running to Mummy" so much as letting off steam with someone I trusted, and whose advice I trusted. After 23 years of marriage it no longer happens very often - or at least, not more often than my mum phoning me to complain about my dad...

So much depends on context.

I used to confide in my mother about everything. Then, as she got older, I censored what I said because I wanted to spare her any anxiety. Now , at the age of ninety, I tell her about the positive things in life and tit bits of harmless gossip. She has memory problems and easily gets confused, so I keep everything quite simple.

I miss the relationship we used to have, but accept that my mother now needs to be protected from other people's stress.

My MIL is five years younger than my mother. However, she has one or two health problems and has recently lost her confidence after a fall. However, my DH will phone her whenever he is stressed and pour out his worries to her. This includes every minor conflict he has with our youngest (17 year old) son. MIL will phone me, quite distressed, and I spend some time reassuring her that DH is just making a mountain out of a molehill.

It is really important that your DH is able to find other outlets for his anxiety. Our parents are often our closest confidants, but as they get older, their ability to cope with problems that they can do nothing about, can be reduced. Your DH also needs to know that some issues are private and confidential, even to his mother.

I know I am rambling, but I am also a mother and I relish the fact that my sons will confide in me. However, I know there will be a time when they will, naturally, be selective about what they choose to confide.

Crucially, talking things through, be it with MIL or a friend, would happen as and when they met up, or had a general catch up on the phone. That's totally different from phoning immediately after every argument. That's intrusive and demanding upon the third party. It also implies no resilience, reflective ability or sense of personal responsibility on the part of the person doing it - and yes I'd say that to a woman too.

I'll bet he doesn't phone her to say "just had a great shag, we were at it for hours, god my bollies are aching now"

The only place that arguments between couples should remain is between the couple. Anyone else should not get to hear about them. I'm wondering what his mum says while he's reporting his tales of woe, most women would say something along the lines of "I don't need to know this, why are you telling me?"

YANBU
That would really annoy me. How long have you been married, has he always done this?

I'm very sorry you are in this situation. I'm afraid his behaviour would not work for me.

At college, I started to get close to a boy I quite liked. We had only met up s few timed , when he wanted to tell me what his mother had said about something we had discussed (actually about how soon we might consider having s more physical relationship. )

Reader, I am afraid that I just dropped him. Now , I like to think I might explain and give him a second chance but ...

I'd say it completely depends on how your MIL reacts to this. Does she tell him to stop acting like a dick and support you or does she say there there my poor boy married to the nasty lady.........

I sadly don't have a MIL, she passed away when DH was a teenager but even though they were very close I can't imagine for one second he'd cross that line and tell her about a row we'd had unless he was really really troubled by it............

Oh that would do my fucking head in! Really don't think i could put up with that, would definitely be a deal breaker for me. It's actually really weird, wtf would he tell his mum, tell him to grow up and stop being such a mummys boy.

It's fine if he goes to talk to his mum on a normal daily basis about that and other mundane stuff- that's not the issue. I'm all for that.

It's the fact he only wants to vent out to his mum about the negative things in your relationship even after you made up shows he wants his mum's validation and that to me shows a kind of disrespect and where your standing is.

(Though I'm biased. I'm burned by a MIL who likes to use those things against me on a regular basis)

It amazes me that we are encourage our children to have an open relationship with us and that they can tell us anything (sex & relationships) in fact it’s seen as a good thing, yet a couple of years later men are mummy’s boys for doing just that but it’s alright if your daughter keeps talking

Have you asked him not to do this in the past and he still persists? If so, not on at all.

I don't see anything inherently wrong in speaking with a close family member about his worries, but not if he is betraying your trust.

Really it depends on the context of the toows and what has happened and who has caused it and what it's about.

My brother for example works part time to enable him to look after the kids does everything including cleaning and washing, have the kids all day and his partner can come home from work, have a go at him for bathing kids in wrong bubble bath and then go out for a run. Then she'll come back too tired to talk to him or needing to do more work from home.

He needs someone to talk to about this else he'd go crazy and that happens to be his mother or sister.

If you are my SIL then I'd like a stern word as to what actually is fair

Agree with Lottiegarbanzo.

NoKnit, the only way to resolve the issues your brother has with his wife is for the two of them to sit down and talk together.

It may well relieve stress in the short term to vent, but it will get your brother nowhere in the long term.

What is stopping him from initiating a showdown?

I've been with DH 33 years, I could not stay married to him if he behaved like this.

Also, why is he haranguing you about your MH, that's strange behaviour too. He should be a safe place to talk about this, not someone who argues with you about it. 💐