To be fucking fed up with DH

[amifuck]

AIBU to be fucking fed up that every time me and DH have an argument he will ring up MIL and tell her all about it??? This happens even after we have "made up" from said argument.

I'm sick of having no fucking privacy!!!! I need some hardline MN advice about how to deal with this situation.

I think my interpretation is confirmed by this:

Recently come to a head because we had an argument about me not talking to him about my mental health problems.

So now MIL knows all about it because he called her straight after said argument.

And oh the irony of someone squealing to mummy that someone wouldn't trust him with personal information...

So he called his Mum after an argument about you not confiding in him about something personal you’re struggling with and he can’t see the irony?

Wow. What a twat. Why would you confide in someone you can’t trust to keep their mouth shut?

I don’t tell my Dad if DP and I argue, he doesn’t go running to his family either. Mostly because we’re grown ups and adults who run to someone bleating about a row are pretty childish.

I disagree, I talk to my parents about my life, including if I am upset about something in my marriage, we are very close, they are supportive, it helps me.

I don't think this makes me weak in any way, I just have a good relationship with my parents. If my husband was thinking of divorce because of this I think I would tell him to go, as he cannot control whom I speak to.

Unfortunately, my MIL died some years ago, otherwise my DH would be talking to her a lot, in fact, I'd be talking to her, too, because she was a lovely, wise, supportive woman whom we miss dearly.

I think maybe a compromise? tell him which topics are entirely off limits but accept that he confides in his mother?

I guess it also depends what she does with the infomation, if she uses against you, then that's entirely different.

He just wants to talk it over with someone and it’s his mum he trusts, I suspect that if this was reversed and a bloke was saying my wife always rings her mum to tell her blah blah blah. MN would be saying what do you expect it’s her mum. Unless MIL uses this info to gossip about you or have a go at you, just give the guy a break. Not sure how much you argue but it is probably 8 years since I had one with my DP so maybe you both need to be a little less argumentative and try and get along.

DD talks to me about arguments with her DP. But not in front of him and not immediately after. Usually a couple of days later, when she's calmed down and to gain another perspective, a bit like a AIBU discussion in person.

Is this what he does? Or does he ring her in front of you whilst you're still raging?

Your issue is probably feeling like DH has emotionally checked out of the marriage. If you felt he was emotionally there and available to you, him calling his DM wouldn't be an issue.

It sounds like your marriage has deeper problems. Stopping him calling his DM isn't going to resolve those.

I’d hit the roof if DH did this to me.

I’d be telling him that rather calling his mum to complain about the situation, he should be busy thinking about how both you and him, together as a couple, can resolve it. Then speaking to YOU about it.

Unless you’re doing something that is causing real, unresolvable anguish (I’m not suggesting you are) then there really is no need for third party input.

To be whining about it after you’ve made up just smacks of him behaving like a silly little boy looking for attention- I mean, what does he really aim to get out of doing this? A pat on the back for fixing a problem, sympathy a sodding medal ?

Provoke an argument about some very intimate detail relating to your H - something he does or says during sex.

I don’t think provoking an argument is the best way to go unless it’s about any dirty habits like leaving skiddies in the toilet bowl and there’s a chance his mum might tell him off and that’d be the end of him running to tell mummy

Have you discussed/argued this matter with him? There’s a chance he could pick up the phone, tell his mum you’re annoyed he keeps calling her and she might say that actually, Amifuck has a point...

I'm torn on this one. On one hand, if I was in this situation I would not like that the intimate details of my life and relationship were being shared without permission. But on the other, if this was a man saying his wife tells her mum everything because she's her best friend or whatever, then I think the responses would be very very different. So I don't know if YABU or not.

This could be the beginning of the end I think. I can understand offloading sometimes but for every argument.. that's definitely a mummy's boy.

Admittedly, I do this with my grandparents. Because I have nobody else to talk to about it when I'm frustrated with DP and need to vent.

she's her best friend or whatever

Err, how many people call their best friends and tell them all about every argument they have with their DH?

P.s. sounds like he needs a hobby - something else to make conversation about!

disagree, I talk to my parents about my life, including if I am upset about something in my marriage, we are very close, they are supportive, it helps me.

I don't think this makes me weak in any way, I just have a good relationship with my parents

Agree. I don't have a friend to talk to about these things so my Nan it is. I tell her almost everything that happens in my life, we are extremely close. I know DP is jealous of this beccause he and his family are not close at all, and his mum can't be arsed with his problems and would rather not help him for anything, let alone listen to his emotional or relationship problems. My nan is different.

I too am on the fence does he ring her and say we have had an argument poor me look how bad amifuck is. Stroke my ego etc then no yanbu

If he rings to say we have had an argument I feel bad and I want advice on how to manage I agree if this were reserved it would be fine. He may need help and guidance

Then it depends how your mil uses it

In my experience (I am middle aged) at a certain point in your late 20s/30s you realise that your parents don't actually want the burden of your problems so you stop telling them and gradually switch to being the person they can rely on rather than the otehr way around. People who can't do this are stunted and it isn't pleasant for them or their parents.

I disagree with this. Granted, my DD is still young, but I would hate for her to think i view her or her problems as a burden and hope that when she grows up she will come to me with them for as long as I'm around. I certainly wouldn't view her as stunted for doing so.

Well I would tell my mum, its nice to get advice and she is not the type anyway to go to my ex and say "So and so said this"

She is his mother at the end of the day, not some random stranger.

Because he's weak willed you have to go above him and speak to MIL directly about enforcing boundaries. Saying 'i understand he wants your help but it's not helping me and him and that you don't want to drag her in the argument as it's unfair on her'

If she's smart, she'll get it

OP you’re not being unreasonable to be annoyed. But PP telling her to get out, really? Breaking up a marriage because of this? There are always problems in a marriage and if OP talks to DH about how frustrating it is the problem can be solved without a divorce

Because he's weak willed you have to go above him and speak to MIL directly about enforcing boundaries.

DP would be told you fuck right off if he did that. And I'd just become more discreet about speaking to my family from then on.

There are three of you in the marriage, and he still hasn't cut the apron strings.

Tell him to grow a pair and stop calling his bloody mother every time he has an argument. He is not seven years old. Reporting to Mummy every time he has a bust up is so immature.

I would embarrass him into stopping, two can play that game. Start ringing your friends, family, his friends and family and he can see how it feels.

I'd love to see all of you tell a woman she's a weak mummy's girl or whatever if she confided in her mum about her relationship.

If a man came on here saying the same about his wife everyone would tell him he was abusive and controlling.

It depends on what form your MH problems take, at least partly. If they are causing you to eg abuse drink or drugs while refusing to admit you have a problem, or attack your H, or do other harmful things, then it is entirely reasonable for him to need support from his family.
If you are getting help and making efforts to recover, and the MH issue is something that doesn't lead to you behaving aggressively to him, or spending money the family budget can't afford or whatever, then he probably shouldn't be calling on Mummy for back-up over every disagreement.

I only got as far as "every time me and DH have an argument".

Do you argue a lot? Why?
I couldn't live like this. OH and I don't always agree on some things, but we never fight or have rows.

Perhaps he finds your mh problems hard to handle and needs support.

Ah yes this old chestnut. Fine for women to blab everything to their friends/mums/work colleagues. But any man doing so, what a weak bastard.