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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in law sent a graphic video of a murder abroad to my phone. AIBU?

50 replies

Mummblebee · 27/09/2018 18:56

Me and my daughters father are not together. I have contact with him when he visits our daughter once a week and keep in touch with his mother sending photos of dd etc via WhatsApp.

Yesterday I was really shocked and disturbed when she send me a video of a man being brutally murdered by a group of men using an iron bar to beat him to death in a racist attack. I am so disgusted and outraged that she would send this type of thing to me and I can't understand what her reasoning is. I stopped the video 5 seconds in but it was enough to have me disturbed 24 hours later.

AIBU to be outraged and have doubts around her intent and to not even want to speak to her anymore.

I just responded. "Why?! That's a very graphic video. I would rather not see things like that"

She has read but not responded. I have had no reason to think she is malicious towards me and this type of thing hasn't happened before. Things are quite complicated and can be tumultuous between me and her son so I'm not sure what her true feelings towards me are and she is most likely just civil for the sake of maintaining a relationship with her granddaughter.

What do you think? Was she just extremely ignorant and naive or was it malicious?

OP posts:

Seniorschoolmum · 27/09/2018 19:59

Unless she has any reason to threaten you - and it doesn’t sound like it, I’d say it was either a mistake or a virus.

Next time you see your ex, tell him he needs to check his mum’s phone because it’s distributing offensive material. Which easily be misconstrued. . Hopefully he’ll get the message.

Forumqueen · 27/09/2018 19:59

I actually know the video you are talking about someone sent it to my husband. He explained it to me he was very traumatised but it. It’s in China isn’t it

LydiaLunch7 · 27/09/2018 20:03

If it was a mistake or a virus, why would she ignore the message OP sent her asking why on earth she would send her a video like that?

Original poster

Mummblebee · 27/09/2018 20:09

Thanks everyone. Me and her son are Co parenting and things border between us being civil and not.

My family is the same race as the person who was murdered in the video. MIL has a different background if that's at all relevant.

She has really upset me and I'm struggling to think of an alternative reason than that was her intention.

OP posts:

AuntBeastie · 27/09/2018 20:15

To all the people saying it was a mistake - if so why didn’t she say so and apologise when OP texted her?!

Some people just like sharing horrible, ghoulish shit. I don’t understand it at all. I think you did the right thing by saying you didn’t want her to send you that kind of thing, hopefully she will think twice next time.

cheesymashandbeans · 27/09/2018 21:08

Sharing videos like you have described is illegal (obscene publications act) I'm not suggesting you go to the police (unless you actually want her prosecuting) but maybe point out that sharing that video is illegal. Delete it from your phone if you haven't already.

Bouledeneige · 27/09/2018 21:27

She might have been hacked - I think that's the most obvious answer. My twitter - which I use for work - got hacked and I started posting porn pictures of women with their legs open.

Original poster

Mummblebee · 27/09/2018 22:21

Perhaps someone else got hold of her phone and sent it to me intentionally. Her son maybe, my daughters father. That would make more sense as he really hates me and things have been heated recently with arguing. She has removed her WhatsApp picture which makes me think maybe it wasn't her.

OP posts:

RainbowsArePretty · 27/09/2018 22:29

I think I would contact her again

RainbowsArePretty · 27/09/2018 22:29

How awful

MrsRubyMonday · 28/09/2018 00:05

Often with malware the person who 'sent' the file cant see that they've 'sent' the file because the script just sends it to contacts but it doesn't show in the chat. In which case your MIL likely doesn't know what you're talking about because she can't see the video, and isn't ignoring you so much as assuming you've sent a message to the wrong person for example. Maybe a more detailed message would get a better response?

Original poster

Mummblebee · 28/09/2018 11:02

This morning the MIL just sent me a good morning picture and just completely ignored the fact.

I said "morning. Why did you send the video"

Waiting for a response because I do need an explanation.

OP posts:

ChortleFace88 · 28/09/2018 11:08

I know people that love sending things like this so people can be as ‘shocked’ and ‘disgusted’ as they are.

This. The amount of people who share awful child or animal cruelty videos on Facebook to “raise awareness” and proclaim how “discusted!!!!111!!!1!111!” they are, it makes me sick. I can only think they secretly love upsetting people.

DevonshireCreamTea · 28/09/2018 11:08

Have you posted this before OP?

Original poster

Mummblebee · 28/09/2018 11:12

No I haven't posted this before.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummblebee · 28/09/2018 11:48

She has sent me a very indignant message.

"I did not only send it to you!!! I sent it to most of my contacts as an eye opener as to how X people are treated in parts of the world!! "

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummblebee · 28/09/2018 11:50

She has tried to make it out like she is spreading awareness. I think it's disgusting and if it was anyone else I would have blocked an deleted them from my contacts.

OP posts:

AuntBeastie · 28/09/2018 11:51

Why she thinks you need educated by her on this is beyond me - how crass and presumptuous.

MatildaTheCat · 28/09/2018 11:53

Tell her straight that she has committed a crime and you are deeply upset.

IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat · 28/09/2018 11:56

Wait, so you're black and she's white (I don't know, but say for example), and she's sent you a video of a black person being murdered by a gang of white people to 'raise your awareness' of racism?

WTF.

I'd honestly just block her for that. Let your ex send her pics of DC and manage that relationship. I wouldn't want any more to do with her.

WellThisIsShit · 28/09/2018 11:59

Ok you have an answer on what’s happened.

Now you need to think beyond your reaction to this video.

What do you want your relationship with your mother in law to be like from now? What will your life be like if things deteriorate dramatically with her?

Do you really want to make a big fuss about this to her? Ultimately, will this make your life better or worse?

What do you want your future to be like? And formulate your response to this one small incident based on that. ... or you can fly off the handle over this and in the future wonder why your life is so hard.

You can think strategically. Or react in the moment. Your choice.

Original poster

Mummblebee · 28/09/2018 12:07

WellThisIsShit-
Wow thank you. Great advice.
At the moment I really don't know how things are going to play out with that side of the family in terms of their involvement with my daughter and my relationship with them so I am walking on eggs shells a bit.
I want to tell her it's not OK but be respectful about it.

OP posts:

Luki · 28/09/2018 12:43

I had a situation like this too, OP.
A colleague from work once sent me a video of a man shooting himself in the head. No other context or warning. I thought it was fake at first until I googled it and found out that no, I had just witnessed someone dying. Why he thought I wanted to see that, I have no idea.

I haven't changed the way I interact with him, but I asked him to please not send me things like that again. He understood.

Sounds like one of those "someone sent it to me so I'll forward it on to everyone I know" things.

Original poster

Mummblebee · 28/09/2018 15:31

Thanks everyone. All of the different opinions really helped me gain some perspective. I've just asked her not to send things like that again and left it at that.

OP posts:

WellThisIsShit · 28/09/2018 17:21

@Mummblebee it’s so hard isn’t it?

I’m glad you found my advice useful, I’ve actually been worrying about that post as I thought afterwards that I didn’t make it clear that I felt for you in such a difficult situation.

Keep thinking about the what you’d like months from here, and try not to react to anything they throw at you in the moment. Like running a race, eye on the finish line, and they are the ones trying to pull you off course or put hurdles up for you to jump! Just jump those hurdles, eyes in front, don’t fall (or turn round to shout at the b*stards who put them there when you weren’t unexpecting them!), because you don’t get to the finish line that way...

It kind of feels like giving in or having to ‘be the bigger person’ all the time, but actually it’s anout you being really selfish (in a good way!). You are smoothing out your future as much as you can, to help you and your baby have as nice a time as possible down the road a ways. It gives you options, you don’t have to let them trample all over you, or keep giving them contact in the future if you decide it’s not in your baby’s best interests... but you given yourself the ability to make that decision yourself.

By appearing to be relaxed and generous hearted now, to people who may not be returning the favour, you are being very kind and generous to you and your baby.

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