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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

36 replies

Shelley18 · 27/09/2018 12:03

Am I being unreasonable to think my boyfriend will never get divorced.
We have been seeing each other for two years now. And my boyfriend wants to live with me and girls. But the problem I am having is he still hasn't divorced his wife. They have been separated and living apart for 8 years. They have no financial issues there child is 22 years of age. So I don't understand why they would want to remain married . I know they are very good friends still. Where he lends her money gives her lifts to places. But I'm having trouble getting my head round the fact I could potentially be living with someone else's husband and that just don't sit well in my head. Am I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
HolesinTheSoles · 27/09/2018 12:05

What is his reason for not getting divorced? What are their shared assets?

Justmuddlingalong · 27/09/2018 12:06

He wants to move in. You want him to start divorce proceedings. He doesn't get to have it all his own way.

ArianwenTheAstronaut · 27/09/2018 12:07

Hmmmm it is a bit strange that they haven’t got round to divorcing yet, especially since they’re still friends etc; if they HATED each other’s guts and couldn’t even bear to be in the same room, in a way I’d understand them not wanting to rake over the past by going to court or whatever, as it could get messy and expensive.

Has he said why?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/09/2018 12:07

Don't let him move in until he's divorced. That will tell you how serious he is about you.

thedogiswearingtartan · 27/09/2018 12:09

How often is he giving her lifts and lending her money? How often do they talk?

Storm4star · 27/09/2018 12:11

I think it comes down to assets. If he marries you then dies, it all goes to you rather then to his ex & DC. Also, it gives him a "get out" if you start asking about marriage. However, you are not being unreasonable. He either wants a life with you or he doesn't. So you have to then make your decision based on that.

Original poster
Shelley18 · 27/09/2018 12:27

They have no assets. He has no savings and she lives in a council flat . He speaks quite regularly as they don't live that far from her and there grown up son still lives at home so he goes round to see his son. I've asked him on numerous occasions why and all I get told is they have never got round to divorcing.

OP posts:
ToesInWater · 27/09/2018 12:47

I'm not a great believer in ultimatums but in this case I would say that before he moves in you need some evidence of commitment which, for you, would mean him getting divorced. The "haven't got round to it" is fine when there is no real reason to get divorced. A new partner he wants to live with should provide that motivation.

averythinline · 27/09/2018 12:56

What do you want? Lots of people have relationships and don't live together....

It maybe worth thinking this through a bit more, as you have DC how is it going to work with them and him....you only have to look at the step parents threads to see the difficulty of blending families....

If you have doubts for any reason don't do it.....and take your time depending on the age of your children this could be a massive deal... would they really want someone new living in their house...

How would money work? Whose house is it.... etcetera lots and lots to sort out

Ohyesiam · 27/09/2018 12:58

So for him to get what he wants and move in, you need to get what you want, his divorce.
If he can’t see that you have bigger problems.

5foot5 · 27/09/2018 13:34

Not related to the subject matter but you might get more traffic if you have a thread title that gives people the faintest clue what it is about.

Havaina · 27/09/2018 13:40

Hmm I'd be suspicious. Unfortunately a lot of men think single mums will support them too.

Will hos moving in affect your benefits and council tax?

SandAndSea · 27/09/2018 13:53

To me, the marriage is a barrier between you which he is choosing to maintain.

He's married.

He's showing no interest in getting divorced.

He still sees his wife.

He's got no assets to bring into the relationship with you.

And he's married!!

Overall, it sounds like there's a significant imbalance in your relationship. Not enough reciprocity.

I think, long-term, this could seriously impact on your self-esteem.

What do you think you will get from him moving in with you?

Original poster
Shelley18 · 27/09/2018 16:45

Thank you all for your response . I know I don't want to live with someone else's husband because it seems immoral to me. I just can't see how we can be a proper couple . He on the other hand doesn't seem bothered by it and he only seems his broken down marriage as a peice of paper now so getting divorced just doesn't bother him or his wife even though they have both had failed relationships since there separation due to the fact that they remain married. I'll just never understand the working of some people's minds . . .

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 27/09/2018 17:15

It may not bother him, but it clearly bothers you, so it's a problem for him too. I really wouldn't let him move in as he clearly has little regard for your feelings. Why on earth would you want to live with a man married to someone else? If anything happened to him, his wife would be next of kin, not you - no matter how long you were living together for. Any decisions would be taken by her. Do you think he trusts her more than you? If so, you have some thinking to do.

ShalomJackie · 27/09/2018 17:44

Tell him if it such a small deal to him then it will also be a small deal to divorce her.

Rainbowtrain · 27/09/2018 17:47

My partners parents never divorced
I think it is so weird. 30 years later, still married with other partners. No clue why

Angrybird345 · 27/09/2018 17:51

Sorry but he needs to get divorced now before he moves in.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2018 17:55

It's very odd that both of them have let relationships fail rather than divorce. This indicates it means something to both of them. Something important, they actively wish to be married to one another.

I think you need to call his bluff, either he divorces or he can't move in. If he chooses not to, then it's clear it's not something unimportant to him, if it was unimportant he would just do it. If he refuses, then it's important for him to stay married to her.

I suspect you will find it's important to him. Sorry op.

HipsterAssassin · 27/09/2018 18:31

No, YANBU.

I had a similar situation. BF and I eventually (and I do mean eventually, could be years off yet, dependent on the situation with our dc) plan to live together.

He was similar to your BF. Separated 7 years, friends with the ex, no shares assets, but still married.

I was concerned there was an emotional attachment that neither would acknowledge. Or it represented something they couldn’t go through with. Or that he was afraid or too guilty.

So I told him he needed to sort it out, that hell would freeze over before I move in with someone else’s husband!

He has now sorted it and the divorce is nearly finalised. It was very easy. They filled in a few forms, paid the money and that was that.

I would imagine there is some emotional connection left over. Your relationship is not a level playing field. You shouldn’t normally issue ultimatums but I would say if he doesn’t do it, know you are not his priority and leave the relationship.

If it’s not a big deal then why hasnt he done it?

19lottie82 · 27/09/2018 18:34

YANBU. I started seeing my now DH when he was separated from, but still married to his ex wife. I didn’t want to move in with him until he was divorced. I don’t know why but it was important to me.

HipsterAssassin · 27/09/2018 18:43

I think it’s a really sensible, understandable position.

Legal and inheritance issues
Not a level playing field
Still committed/in a legal relationship with someone else
Not in a position to both plan for the future - one person has one foot in the past

Move in with someone’s husband? No thanks.

Those were my reasons.

Especially when there are dc involved and al the issues of blending families which are really complex - if he can’t even divorce how will you sort the rest??

Original poster
Shelley18 · 27/09/2018 18:52

Thank you so much everyone for your responses . They certainly make me think clearly and I'm not being unreasonable makes me feel more at ease with my thoughts.

OP posts:
Blameanamechange · 27/09/2018 18:56

YANBU. If he sees marraige as only a piece of paper then he wont mind getting a divorce will he ??......

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2018 19:00

YANBU at all. I’m divorced and remarried. Once I’d left my ex it took me a couple of months to get myself together and as soon as I was on a note even keel I got the papers and cracked on ASAP. Part of me didn’t start to feel properly better until it was all official. The idea of choosing to stay married to someone you’ve chosen not to be with anymore and no longer love is bizarre.

You just haven’t moved on until it’s done.

Fine he wants to live together. It’s not on the table till he’s divorced. He can get on with it or not but set a limit in your own mind of when it needs to be sorted or you’ll have a serious think about how long you’ll hang around.