To Be Gobsmacked By My Neighbour's Cheeky Fuckery?

[SunnyInGrimsby]

My elderly neighbour and friend sadly died recently and yesterday we attended her funeral.

She had no friends or relatives so the only attendees were her 4 neighbours – me and the other neighbours in her block.

I had offered to put on the wake at my flat afterwards and went to quite a bit of trouble – cleaning the flat, moving chairs in (it’s just been renovated and was empty – I live somewhere else at the moment). My ex-boyfriend gave up his Saturday to move furniture in (I thought more people would attend than actually did), I did a big shop and spent a few hours cleaning the flat in preparation.

I bought champagne, made cucumber sandwiches (quite a fiddle, involving peeling, slicing and salting cucumbers), gravadlax and smoked salmon sandwiches, tea, biscuits, champagne and what not. I made the sandwiches where I lived and transported them to the other flat along with glasses). I was honoured to do all this as my deceased neighbour was a dear friend and my flat was the nearest in the block to hers.

The short funeral was very moving and my neighbours and I enjoyed coming back to mine for champagne and sandwiches and had a good old reminisce for a few hours.

Later that evening I received an email from the neighbour who had arranged a small floral tribute stating that my share of it was £15 and added, `no rush’. He made no thanks of the efforts I had gone to.
I had spent 2-3 days in preparation and spent around £60 to £70 on food and drink (I splashed out on some new crockery in honour of the occasion).

AIBU for being thoroughly pissed off?

This neighbour has form for cheeky fuckery and I recently had to pay him £500 after I did work on my flat (shared party wall – although my flat is on the ground floor and his is 3 floors above on the opposite side – no other neighbours have reported any deteriorations or asked for money). I had offered to send a builder in to make good any cracks but he said he would prefer the money as he didn’t want to redecorate at the moment but would put it towards future redecs. I have visited his flat and it appeared to be in pristine order.

Just wanted to vent really. Grrr.

I can not believe you’ve paid him money for his wall😡

Please promise us that you’ll come to us on MN first before you do anything that involves this cheeky bastard!

I can't believe you paid up for his perceived damages without some professional written evidence! As they say in the NW, he saw you coming
As far as the funeral goes you have three choices

Ignore his request, he can't demand it unless you had an agreement.
Bill him for his share of the wake.
Send him £7.50 in 1p coins, thus occupying the moral high-ground.

Make sure that all the other neighbours know what he's done! Did he ask you before ordering the flowers? Sounds like he's been very parsimonious there too, £30 for funeral flowers is a low figure!

Err. Sorry, but you are a mug. A complete one, if- as you say- you commented that you’d sort out the wake, and he said “don’t worry about it”.

If you offered to pay, you should pay. But you should make sure he knows how tactless the request was, timing-wise.

If he turned down your offer, you should tell him that he said not to worry, you put a lot of time/effort/money into the wake, and hadn’t counted on contributing to the floral tribute. Thanksbye.

I guarantee this will not be he last time this cheeky chappy gets money out of you, if you pay unnecessarily.

If she has no friends and family, who paid for her funeral and put the flat on the market?

Ah, I was actually going to post that the food for the wake isn’t really relevant. You decided to do all that.

In light of your update that you had agreed to pay, I do think YABU. I understand why you’re annoyed though.

Spiky- I understood it as the op's flat is on the market.

re insensitivity timing wise - it was an email, not a text or a phone call or a visit

idk, with the drip feed that op had already agreed to pay towards the flowers, it just sounds a bit ehhhhh not that bad really

he does sound tight, which is not an attractive trait

but everyone deals with these things in their own way. I think emailing the thread to him might be a bit much, it sounds like he and his wife also cared for the neighbour, and shaming them for doing grief wrong - what would be achieved, really? it would be like someone says 'I can't believe you were on mn wanging on about salting cucumbers instead of doing Proper Sorrow op'

sometimes when a big thing happens it weirdly makes people focus on mundane minutiae, probably because it's their way of taking back control. when people are sad or stressed it magnifies their existing personality traits - and not everyone's personality traits are all nice all the time. chalk it up to just one of those things.

once it’s sold I might email him this thread.

Why on earth would you do that other than out of spite?

((((((Hugs)))))))

I never knew cucumber sandwiches were so involved.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/jun/13/how-to-make-perfect-cucumber-sandwiches

"...the last thing I felt like doing was posting a cheeky fucker thread (in aibu of all places) on mumsnet..."

"... it would be like someone says 'I can't believe you were on mn wanging on about salting cucumbers instead of doing Proper Sorrow op' ..."

Both quotes from you on this thread, @MadameButterface.

Send him the bill for the food, did he tell you about the floral tribute beforehand?
I'm sorry for your loss, it sounds like you were a good friend to her.

I am concerned that you sound like you could be a pushover, or something in your personality makes people think of you like this.
It's nice to be good to people, but don't let them walk over you

SDTG

I was responding to 'I don't know if you've had the misfortune to loose a good friend @MadameButterface, but emotions tend to run a bit raw'

yeah it was a bit tit for tat shaming, I agree. that's what happens when you try and stage the grief olympics I guess. and my point still stands: is it an ok thing to do, or isn't it?

If you agreed to pay for the flowers, you should pay, regardless of how much you spent on the wake, which I'm assuming, unless there is some further information you have withheld, was done off your own back without requiring contributions from others. It was rather inelegant of him, but perhaps he is on a tight budget and couldn't wait.

The party wall payment is a separate matter. You should have got a surveyor to look into it and shouldn't have just paid up.

The party wall payment is a separate matter. You should have got a surveyor to look into it and shouldn't have just paid up.

MrTrebus - unfortunately the party wall surveyor suggested this sum.

It sounds like the OP did get a surveyor to look at it and they told her to pay.

Ok - I missed that update. The neighbour probably wasn't being a CF in that case either then.

I had a Party Wall agreement with 5 other flats in my block. His appointed surveyor contacted me after my building work was completed and said £500 was a reasonable figure to pay to put right cracks so I duly paid up – it’s a legal requirement. Given neighbour’s previous form I did call the surveyor up to question this but he said it was fair. Perhaps it was. It was just strange as the flat below neighbours said they didn’t need anything put right as they were redecorating soon anyway and the flat above mine had a problem with a door shutting and that was it.

I took the path of least resistance and paid neighbour his money as I was required to do, but he told me he is going to redecorate his whole flat quite soon anyway (like the neighbour below) so I just thought it was a bit grasping.

When grasping neighbour organised the Share of Freehold for his side of the block he wangled it that he pays the same service charge and expenses as the other (much smaller flats) below him. It’s usual for this to be divvied up on square footage so he’s done nicely there too.

So it’s not just about a £15 bunch of flowers – there is a back story.

People salt cucumbers?

@themaddhugger, yes, once you look into it, making cucumber sandwiches is a Big Thing requiring much faffing about. But there is nothing nicer than a good cucumber sandwich - mine were only middling but next time (if there is a next time....) I will have it down to a fine art.

:) You dont need an occation to make nice sarnies. Make em, nice glass of wine. Relax. Sounds like a lovely afternoon treat

@TabbyMumz - yes, you have to peel them, slice them, salt them (this draws out excess moisture so the sandwich doesn't get soggy), lay them on kitchen roll for 10 mins or so, cut white bread (white is best apparently), spread with butter, lay on cucumber slices, sprinkle with white pepper. The hard bit is cutting the sandwiches so the cucumber doesn't pop out the sides and they can all fall apart when they are being transported.

Wipes sweat off brow.

I think I will stick to Pret a Manger for my future sandwich needs.

Or a nice cup of Tea. Mmmmmmmmmm ☕🍸🍷🍹

@soupDragon - don't worry, I will not send him this thread - a false threat but I was feeling p'd off.

I will send it to the Cucumber Sandwich Appreciation Society instead.

I use an electric carving knife for perfect sandwiches. That way the filling doesn't squidge.

Sorry for your loss

I think your neighbour is being cheeky unless you had already agreed to help fund the floral tribute. However I think you're cheeky taking into account the new crockery you bought. You didn't need to do that surely and the only person who will benefit from that going forwards is you.