To Be Gobsmacked By My Neighbour's Cheeky Fuckery?

[SunnyInGrimsby]

My elderly neighbour and friend sadly died recently and yesterday we attended her funeral.

She had no friends or relatives so the only attendees were her 4 neighbours – me and the other neighbours in her block.

I had offered to put on the wake at my flat afterwards and went to quite a bit of trouble – cleaning the flat, moving chairs in (it’s just been renovated and was empty – I live somewhere else at the moment). My ex-boyfriend gave up his Saturday to move furniture in (I thought more people would attend than actually did), I did a big shop and spent a few hours cleaning the flat in preparation.

I bought champagne, made cucumber sandwiches (quite a fiddle, involving peeling, slicing and salting cucumbers), gravadlax and smoked salmon sandwiches, tea, biscuits, champagne and what not. I made the sandwiches where I lived and transported them to the other flat along with glasses). I was honoured to do all this as my deceased neighbour was a dear friend and my flat was the nearest in the block to hers.

The short funeral was very moving and my neighbours and I enjoyed coming back to mine for champagne and sandwiches and had a good old reminisce for a few hours.

Later that evening I received an email from the neighbour who had arranged a small floral tribute stating that my share of it was £15 and added, `no rush’. He made no thanks of the efforts I had gone to.
I had spent 2-3 days in preparation and spent around £60 to £70 on food and drink (I splashed out on some new crockery in honour of the occasion).

AIBU for being thoroughly pissed off?

This neighbour has form for cheeky fuckery and I recently had to pay him £500 after I did work on my flat (shared party wall – although my flat is on the ground floor and his is 3 floors above on the opposite side – no other neighbours have reported any deteriorations or asked for money). I had offered to send a builder in to make good any cracks but he said he would prefer the money as he didn’t want to redecorate at the moment but would put it towards future redecs. I have visited his flat and it appeared to be in pristine order.

Just wanted to vent really. Grrr.

Bonkers - send him a copy of the 'wake' bill in return. No way would I pay for the flowers I did not agree to. ( I'd let him know you made your own floral tribute in top of 'the wake' - he won't know any better!)
PS - no way would I have paid him a party wall bill, it might come back to haunt you if other neighbours find out.

Return bill for food, definitely.

Sorry for your loss.

I don’t know... personally, I’d still want to contribute to flowers even though I’d hosted the wake, because that was something you did personally for your friend. But he should have asked beforehand, not assume.

Please send him a wake bill!!! Pretty please!!

These CFs need a taste of their own medicine!

id say "oh wow, you do realise I hosted the wake out of my own pocket?" Lets call it quits

I don't think I'd respond with a bill for his share of the food; I'd just write/email a note explaining that you spent £YZ yourself on the food for the wake, so you're sure he will appreciate that the wake was your contribution and you therefore won't be giving him any money.

Paying for the sandwiches and champagne is actually irrelevant if you never agreed to pay for the flowers anyway (which I assume you didn't?)

So I would go with Olivia's reply of ""Can't remember agreeing to this? Can you forward the text or email where I agreed to pay toward the floral tribute?"

Did you agree to split the cost of the flowers beforehand, or is this the first you've heard of it?

tbh I don't think he should be paying for the flowers alone and in the same way you shouldn't pay for the wake alone, it's your choice if you do and his if he doesn't IYSWIM.

The wall is a different story

Did you at any point discuss flowers with him? If not, email back and say so, along with your costs (don’t forget to add time your bf spent as ‘labour’ moving furniture etc). Alternatively, tell your ridiculous neighbour to FUCK RIGHT OFF!

Yes, send the above text, but maybe add that you've gone to considerable efforts and paid over £60 to host the cremation

Your neighbour is cheeky and I would not pay towards the flowers with regards to the food you laid on, normally the estate pays. If you choose to lay on food there’s no reason why he should pay towards it.

YABU for paying for the wake in the first place. Normally the estate would pay. Neighbours probably had no idea you paid for the wake as that’s not what would normally happen. Who’s the executor of her will and who paid for the funeral?

Due to his CF behaviour with the party wall I would like to see the actual invoice for the flowers. He may not be including himself with regard to payment.

Host the cremation?! There goes your newly renovated flat

Sorry if that was too flippant. I agree with everyone who says bill him in return, unless you did promise to split he cost of the tribute, in which case you should pay. He's an arse though for holding you to it after all your effort and expense. How lovely of you to honour your friend's memory.

And I have learned tonight that there is such a thing as a coulibiac.

I don't think the cost of new crockery or time spent cleaning /tidying is relevant. How much did you spend on food and drink?

What is relevant is what was said before, did you all agree to get a joint floral tribute? Did you all agree to put the wake on?

"Your share of the costs for the wake is £20, so let's just call it quits.
Best regards,
SunnyInGrimsby"

Short, polite and to the point.

He emailed to say he was ordering a floral tribute a few weeks ago and I did offer to pay my share but then I seem to remember by then I’d offered to put on the wake and he wrote back something along the lines of `don’t worry about it’.

In the interests of a quiet life I will bung him his £15 as I have to live with these people and I can’t be arsed to have a row about it. But of course, it’s not about £15, is it? It’s something much more than that.
But I will give the cash to his wife, who I strongly suspect has no idea about his cheeky fuckery and will be horrified.

My friend didn’t have any money so there will be no recompense from her estate – wouldn’t dream of asking anyway. She had no friends and family – me and the cheeky fucker neighbours were sadly it. But they did care for her and were kind towards the end.

The flat is on the market anyway – once it’s sold I might email him this thread.

Well so you offered to pay your share originally? How is he a cf then? You then put the wake on which was nice of you but that was your choice really wasn’t it

I think being ‘gobsmacked’ per your title that he’s asked for money you originally agreed to pay in the first place is a bit ott tbh

It was as much about the timing of the request than anything. After going to a lot of effort, the last thing I expected when I arrived home after a very long, moving and emotional day burying our friend was a request for money and no thanks. Desperate as he obviously was for recompense, the elegant thing to do was surely to wait a few days before asking at least.

If I’d been in his position I would have quietly thought things have equalled themselves out now and just left it. It’s always better to err on the side of generosity and keep goodwill – especially where neighbours are concerned.

I don't know if you've had the misfortune to loose a good friend @MadameButterface, but emotions tend to run a bit raw - I doubt my emotions would have run so high if the day hadn't meant so much to me.

Given your update and the fact he didn't just drop it on you, and you offered! Yabu.

And he said "something along the lines of `don’t worry about it’" what exactly did he say? He either dropped it or didn't.

yes I have thanks

the last thing I felt like doing was posting a cheeky fucker thread (in aibu of all places) on mumsnet

but people have to deal with things in the best way they see fit don't they and we all react differently :)

And big thanks to everyone else for their kind and sensible comments and for allowing me to ruminate publicly about this small but vexatious conundrum.

I feel better for having got it off my chest.