To have forced the matter?

[GoJetterGirl]

Right, it’s another inlaws thread I’m afraid...

So, I recently posted how FIL is having memory issues and he refuses to give up his driving licence or see a GP for help,

More recently, MIL is at the table and mentions that FIL received a letter from the DVLA about a fitness to drive assessment, she claims it is a mistake and that she has told him not to fill in the form or return it,

When pressed about why she told him that, she admitted that she doesn’t want her independence to come to an end!!

So, AIBU to contact the DVLA again to mention that they’ve just discarded the form and my concerns about his driving ability are quite serious? I’ve attempted to touch base with the GP, but I’ve been told that they can’t act unless the inlaws approach them with the problem

I get that the inlaws rely on their car, but I would never see them allowed to carry on driving only to kill or severely injure someone because their independence comes above everything else (in their heads at least!)

Is there anything else I can do to ensure that prompt action is taken before someone gets hurt?

OPs father in law get to drives on two wheels to the co-op> an innocent pedestrian that could have their life taken and their family destroyed

GoJetterGirl

No just recounting my experience with my grandmother.

I am always reminded of this accident:

www.kentonline.co.uk/sevenoaks/news/driver-87-sentenced-after-costa-122783/

No just recounting my experience with my grandmother

I’m sorry you’ve been thru this Redneck, but, mental deterioration is a natural consequence of age without appropriate stimulation once independence is lost, we are offering to step in and help, but mil doesn’t want to be seen as a “hopeless case” (her words, not mine)

An elderly driver did kill someone in my town. And a couple of years ago one ran a red light on our trip to school. I still get chills thinking about it now, if the DCs had been walking on their own. I wish I'd been able to photograph their license plate (Sorry OP.)

What I am coming to is I think now is the time to lose your shit with them. Find out where those extra keys are and tell them there is a new law that the matter is turned over to the police if they don't appear for the checks (they will find out otherwise when it is too late.) Complete the form and get them there.

This may be WAY over the top, but can you contact adult safeguarding?
Say that you are concerned DFIL my be vulnerable and is being pressured/persuaded by DMIL to not seek help and ignore advice from DVLA?
That you are concerned he does not have the ability anymore to make these decisions and she 'may' be taking advantage of this.

Pretty sure you can ask to remain anonymous
They might even just be able to give you some advice.

Someone reported a degree of success by getting the car off the road for a temporary reason (removing an engine part or car just going in for a service; then MNer liaising with garage, or actual garage staff, claimed there'd be a wait for replacement part).

During the temporary carlessness, MNer was very helpful getting elderly relative established using local taxi company.

Once the taxi use was established, it was a lot easier to wean relative off owning a car.

I don't know how often they go out but if you take into account running costs and insurance it may not cost much more to take taxis, private hire cars when they need them (and if it's regular trips, they might get a deal)

But to be honest OP, the way they have behaved, if I was you I'd be absolutely delighted to shop them.

I would never see them allowed to carry on driving only to kill or severely injure someone because their independence comes above everything else (in their heads at least!) In their heads, independence doesn't come above other people's safety, it's just that they don't believe their driving is bad enough to be a danger to other people. Doesn't change what you need to do, but condemn them for lack of understanding rather than for wanton lack of care towards others.

Could your DH give them a dashcam that streams to your phones? But just tell them it's for security. Then as soon as you have evidence of FIL's appalling driving, you can show the Police.

The GP could call him in for a general review and not mention why, if they wished.

Can you get a dash cam to put in a friend's car, then have that friend drive behind them to film the erratic driving, then submit to police as evidence?

Been through this three times. With DGF, GFiL, and DM. Luckily DM recognized when we told her she needed to stop driving and did so voluntarily.

I'm in the US, so as seatoski pointed out it's different here, at least here in California. Our DMV makes a priority of getting unsafe drivers off the road.

DGF was reported to DMV (our DVLA) for unsafe driving after being observed bumping over curbs and also not seeing children at the side of the road. He was called into DMV and failed the vision test and had his license revoked then and there. If he'd passed the vision, he would have had to take a 'behind the wheel' test which he surely would have failed. He was angry, but agreed to surrender the car keys to my DM and her siblings.

GFiL had his license revoked on order of the police after being involved in a non-injury accident. He continued to drive until he was caught going the wrong way up a one way street. At the point my FiL took his car key and 'stole' his car.

Based on what people have posted about things in the UK, the only thing to do if the DVLA won't automatically revoke for non-response would be to call the local police and discuss the situation with them. My BFF had to do this when her ex would pick up their son after he'd been drinking. The police told her to call them if/when he did it again and they'd tail him and pull him over if he appeared to be impaired. They did and he was. Maybe they'd do the same for FiL's erratic driving?

Age UK have local reps who I've found to be very helpful, practical people. How about asking one of them to have a chat with your ILS first off, so they act as an intermediary? They may also be able to allay some of your MILS fears re loss of independence by informing them of any mini bus services etc which they could access.

With my grandad we knew the garage owner where he had his MOT done who was able to stress that the car would cost too much to get repaired and with insurance etc it would work out far cheaper to use taxis than buy another car.

It helped that garage owner was his friend. He listened to his peers first with relatives a long way behind.

Best of luck OP, not easy.