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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have forced the matter?

65 replies

GoJetterGirl · 26/09/2018 13:24

Right, it’s another inlaws thread I’m afraid...

So, I recently posted how FIL is having memory issues and he refuses to give up his driving licence or see a GP for help,

More recently, MIL is at the table and mentions that FIL received a letter from the DVLA about a fitness to drive assessment, she claims it is a mistake and that she has told him not to fill in the form or return it,

When pressed about why she told him that, she admitted that she doesn’t want her independence to come to an end!!

So, AIBU to contact the DVLA again to mention that they’ve just discarded the form and my concerns about his driving ability are quite serious? I’ve attempted to touch base with the GP, but I’ve been told that they can’t act unless the inlaws approach them with the problem Shock

I get that the inlaws rely on their car, but I would never see them allowed to carry on driving only to kill or severely injure someone because their independence comes above everything else (in their heads at least!)

Is there anything else I can do to ensure that prompt action is taken before someone gets hurt?

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 26/09/2018 14:05

The DVLA will ultimately write to say that as he has not responded to the request to book an assessment they are revoking his licence pending the assessment. MIL will then tell him that's a mistake too. The police will be involved once he's damaged property or hurt someone but I don't think the DVLA will report to the police.

Stillme1 · 26/09/2018 14:09

If you found it too much to drive with Mil in your car because of the way she goes on think how bad this must be on Fil who is having problems with his mental reasoning. You and DH have to get Fil to stop driving. Maybe try a more heavy handed approach such as inform by writing so there is a record of Dr bring told in case of accidents as stated by pp.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 26/09/2018 14:14

I don't know how these things work but could someone else (not your husband) who has witnessed the driving contact DVLA to report it? Would that cause them to pay more attention?

Original poster
GoJetterGirl · 26/09/2018 14:14

If you found it too much to drive with Mil in your car because of the way she goes on think how bad this must be on Fil who is having problems with his mental reasoning

That is one of my worries, but ultimately, it’s the fact that he has the problem with his memory and mental reasoning that is causing my concerns iykwim?

To be honest I’d love to have MIL sectioned, but that’s a whole other thread

OP posts:
pencilpot99 · 26/09/2018 14:18

OP, I'm going to DM you the link to the newspaper article written following the inquest into my elderly relative's death (too identifying to put on here in public). They died after driving in a completely erratic way, endangering other motorists and finally crashing. While they were being treated in hospital, they had several brain scans and it was discovered they had dementia. None of us in the family had realised, and it came out at the inquest that the GP had twice in the space of two years strongly recommended testing for dementia but this had been ignored by the relative and hadn't been mentioned to us. If we had known, if they had stopped driving they might still be with us. Of course I am devastated that they died but I'm also hugely relieved no one else was hurt or killed.

Original poster
GoJetterGirl · 26/09/2018 14:20

Thank you pencilpot99

Is it ok if I show it to my DH? It might give him a push to quit with the wait and see approach...

OP posts:
HardofCleaning · 26/09/2018 14:23

The easiest thing to do is just mind your own business and ignore it but you're putting both them and others at risk, imagine if they had a fatal accident. I do think you need to follow up as others have suggested.

Tinkobell · 26/09/2018 14:23

Hi OP - your post has struck a chord with me as I'm going through this with my ILS as we speak. If your FIL has memory issues I suggest that before jumping the gun on the license he gets to the GP as a first port of call. NOTHING can be done without a diagnosis. And that is only fair actually as many issues can cause memory probs - stress, depression or even a urinary tract infection. The GP will ask Q's and do some standardised tests, then a referral to a memory clinic.
If they refuse to attend the GP, make an appt on his behalf and call a taxi to take them. You might want to tell your MIL that by not getting him to a GP that she could be delaying his access to vital medication that can slow down the progress of dementia, if it does turn out to be that! Good luck. I'm going through this. It's hard.

SeaToSki · 26/09/2018 14:25

As an interim measure, can you steal their keys (or hide them somewhere in their house) If FIL is having memory issues then it wouldnt be a big surprise if he had "misplaced" them. Then that gives you some time to get the DVLA to revoke his license by some route.

I know round us (USA) if you report someone to the police for erratic/dangerous driving, their license can be revoked pending investigations etc

However I would also worry that he would continue to drive without a license - hence the taking the keys off them

pencilpot99 · 26/09/2018 14:25

Yes, of course GoJetter. If you think your DH can help persuade them!

Tinkobell · 26/09/2018 14:26

Do get to the GP quickly.....I've just discovered that post referral the memory clinic leadtime for assessment is 8-12 weeks! If the GP is in doubt about your FIL's cognitive abilities they will advise or tell him not to drive there and then.

Original poster
GoJetterGirl · 26/09/2018 14:26

*HardofCleaning

The easiest thing to do is just mind your own business and ignore it but you're putting both them and others at risk, imagine if they had a fatal accident. I do think you need to follow up as others have suggested*

I have followed up, what I asked in my OP is if there are more ways to get help quickly, rather than wait for DVLA to chase the non response...?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 26/09/2018 14:28

Wow that really sucks you have been put in this position. When my father'n'law was diagnosed with dementia - none of us really knew how bad he was until he was diagnosed. He was immediately told to not drive - and although he was devastated at his loss of freedom, I think part of him was relieved he did not have to feel the stress of driving and getting lost on the way home. If I was you I would ring the police for advice - you are doing the right thing trying to protect everyone and its very brave of you for trying to help.

EverettVonScott · 26/09/2018 14:29

My parents (both dead now) went through similar. My Mum was the driver and Dad was ferried about.

AS she got more confused, no amount of any of us kids expressing concern made a jot of difference.

But, when people they saw as peers commented, they did take notice. One Christmas, some relative said to my Dad "She's not still driving, surely?" or similar, and that's when the driving seemed to fizzle out.

So, can you recruit someone they see as a peer to chat to them? They may be filtering you out as kidnoise. Not saying that's right, of course, but it will be harder for them to ignore if they feel judged by their peers.

Original poster
GoJetterGirl · 26/09/2018 14:31

Thank you tinko and sea

Regrettably, they have more than one set, and mil has possession of the spare sets...

Next time I’m aware that he is driving somewhere, I’m minded to have a friend follow with me and I’ll call the police myself... I can’t have the death of them/someone on my conscience for the sake of MILs entitled belief tat it makes her independent to have a husband that can drive...

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 26/09/2018 14:32

What a selfish woman the MIL is. When FIL hits a person, kills them or kills the pair of them she might realise this is why he shouldn’t be driving.

Haireverywhere · 26/09/2018 14:34

Calling the police is the only thing I can think of but they won't act without proof.

RedneckStumpy · 26/09/2018 14:34

So if the can’t drive, are they going to lean on you for a lift everywhere.

Also expect there mental health to deteriorate as they will be unable to get out as much as they used to.

Original poster
GoJetterGirl · 26/09/2018 14:37

So if the can’t drive, are they going to lean on you for a lift everywhere

Not possible, as I mentioned upthread, I surrendered my licence following a fit 5 years ago...

They have been offered support from us and other family members, we can’t make them take our help or advice, it’s because by continuing to drive they risk death or injury to themselves or others that it is relevant now

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 26/09/2018 14:37

Is it really necessity make that point @Redneck? What the hell does saying that to the OP actually acheive?

Tinkobell · 26/09/2018 14:39

OP - google your local or their local Age UK branch. Lots of good local advice and knowledge plus support for families there. Xxx

Original poster
GoJetterGirl · 26/09/2018 14:42

Thank you Tinko I did read Redneck’s post with a Hmm face...

I’ll defintely make contact with ageuk for advice and to see what they can be offered help wise too,

I’m going to have a conversation with DH about LPA in relation to FIL, clearly we are at a point where he will become unable to make his own choices eventually so it would be best to get his agreement before it’s needed.

OP posts:
colditz · 26/09/2018 14:43

@RedneckStumpy

*So if the can’t drive, are they going to lean on you for a lift everywhere.

Also expect there mental health to deteriorate as they will be unable to get out as much as they used to.*

That will be a comfort to the grieving mother of the school aged child they could kill. At least they aren't depressed.

Original poster
GoJetterGirl · 26/09/2018 14:49

Thank you Colditz

Succinctly put... I wonder if Redneck is my CIL who is more worried about her darling AIL who will be missing out on her bi-yearly trip to the Lake District?

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 26/09/2018 14:51

I think the point to make to your ILS is the importance of fast intervention. Certain medications cannot stop the progress of dementia but they can slow it down. If they sort this out, this will rob them of doing other things not just driving. My FIL has told us he doesn't want to drive....he's realised the risk. Unfortunately it's the cognitive processing that goes and means that drivings no longer safe.