To have done this in a play area.......

[aManForAllReasons]

At a big, busy play area a few weeks ago with my 6yo DC when a distressed younger child (approx 3yo) came up to us, bawling their eyes out saying they'd lost their Mummy.

I comforted the child, had a good look around our immediate vicinity then took the child by the hand and went looking for their Mum. We found her quite quickly as she was looking for her child having become separated.

I thought no more about it until reading a thread on here where lots of people were saying under no circumstances should you ever touch a stranger's child. I thought, as adults, we have a collective responsibility for the safety and wellbeing of children.

What would you have done?

Really I just do for other people's kids what i hope someone would do for mine.

I would have done exactly what you did and think that in a public place, with other people around giving a complete strangers child a hug and reassurance when they are distressed is fine and no one could reasonably object.

Not touching a strange child is about keeping yourself and the child safe. In a different situation, a man finding a lost child and holding its hand and taking it to his car to stay dry could be seen in a very different light.

I have done the same as you in a soft play and I'm a bloke. Didn't even cross my mind that it would look dodgy. But I wouldn't take the kid off the premises, for example if they pointed to their mum/dad in the car park smoking a cigarette or whatever. I would alert a member of staff if that happened.

I think in all honesty you just did what you would think was reasonable and instinctive. However, sometimes instinctive isn’t necessarily the same as what is ‘ correct’

• You can’t be seen to be taking a child away on their own ... regardless of intention.

This whole no holding hand, no touching thing, has gone way OTT.

As someone who deals with lost children at work, the general rule of thumb is to not put yourself at risk of accusations while still keeping the child's safety as the top priority. So, with an older child, you might not hand hold because saying 'stay with me while we find your mum' is enough. With a little one, you want to keep them by you and hand holding is the best way forward. What you don't ever do is take the child off somewhere, say into an office. Stay where anyone can see you, or where there is CCTV. That way, even if you are holding the child's hand and mum doesn't like it, you cannot be accused of anything untoward.

I use the same approach if I see lost kids when we are out. Can I keep the child safe, can I keep me safe? (Bearing in mind parents who have lost their kids may be so emotional that they don't react logically - been there, done that. Lost my toddler niece this summer and when I found her with two ladies who were looking after her and looking out for us, I forgot to say thank you in my relief and my desperation to get her back to my sister. So if that was you, thank you so much! I'm sorry I just grabbed her and legged it.)

Essentially, the not hand holding thing I think initially rose out of increased child protection fears, but it has gone way, way OTT and most people don't actually mind. Just protect yourself from awkward questions but hand hold by all means if it is helping to keep the child calm and safe.

Thanks everyone - I think I've read so many threads on here I was starting to doubt my own sanity judgement!

Same as you. And I'm glad you did what you did. Too many people won't help someone who really needs it for fear of being looked askance at.

I have taken a lost child’s hand and would do so again. Parents aren’t always very grateful and I think that’s a human reaction and they just don’t think about anything other than the relief of having their child back.

The same as you of course.

The difference between the two situations is simple, the other mother was telling the small child off and restraining him (I assume you were not doing this whilst looking for his mother, so I fail to see the comparison)

I found a little girl at a market and I remember thinking that if I held her hand would the parents think I was leading her away so I kind of walked her along and asked another woman to go with me.
It was in quite a rough area and I was terrified a parent would leap out thinking I was a child abductor. In a play park if I was with my children I would hold a child's hand.

Fair point SnowyMountain, the replies to the other post were just 'don't touch', not 'don't touch in this situation' (the way I read them, anyway), so I was just canvassing opinions.

I would have done the same.

But there is a burden of trust in these situations - we hope that if our kids are in trouble, strangers will help them - that makes it entirely different from taking it upon yourself to restrain a child when its parent is actually there.

As someone who deals with lost children at work, the general rule of thumb is to not put yourself at risk of accusations while still keeping the child's safety as the top priority. So, with an older child, you might not hand hold because saying 'stay with me while we find your mum' is enough. With a little one, you want to keep them by you and hand holding is the best way forward.

yup, this! When I used to do a job that sometimes included helping lost children, it would sometimes have escalated the situation NOT to let a child take my hand. When they are tiny and scared (and, in my situation, often had a language barrier), letting them grab your hand can calm the whole situation down, and additionally prevents them from zooming off and getting themselves more lost.

I do think it's a case of assessing the situation, making sure your motives are obvious - eg great if there's a designated meeting point to lead them to - and actively drawing other people's attention to you rather than seeming like you're evading it.

I got written up for picking up a hysterical toddler at work once. She had lost her dad and so I picked her up and sat her on the counter, standing there so she couldn't fall while I made a tannoy announcement. Apparently I should have just told her to follow me. She was only about 2 for Christ's sake, toddling unsteadily and barely verbal. She might even have been younger. The dad wasn't bothered at all, just glad she was safe.

Yes - absolutely hold the hand of a distressed child (especially one that young, who might suddenly run off), although maybe stay where you are, with the child. It is all too easy to miss each other in a crowded play area, so staying still while the mum looks is probably better. Also, a panicky mum does not want to see her child being led (possibly away, as you don't know what she looks like) by the hand by a stranger, so anything you can do to avoid that situation would be safer for you! If anyone questions why you didn't try to find the mum, you could point out that you needed to stay with your own child(ren).

I would have done the same. I was in a situation where a little girl around 2 years old had fallen off her scooter in a school playground. She was crying on the ground, I looked around and not one person went to help her. A playground full of parents stood by and watched this little girl cry. I went up to her, checked she was ok, then went around the playground to find her parent.

When did we turn into adults who can't help a child in need?

When my child (under 3) ran off in Legoland, I was hugely relieved that two random women had 1) found him wandering about, 2) comforted him and 3) rung my phone (I had written my phone number in black marker pen down both arms - I know what he's like!) to tell me he was safe and where to find them. I was very, very grateful to them and pleased that they hadn't just ignored him or felt they couldn't hold his hand or give him a hug.

I would, and have, done the same.

It's a sad world when every contact with a child is viewed with suspicion and doubt. While obviously children need to be protected from abuse, some people seem to have become hysterical about the whole thing, and see it everywhere. As a result teachers are no longer allowed to physically comfort a child or give them a hug. It's totally ridiculous.

I got shouted at by a mum once when I stopped a kid (about waist high, I'm terrible at ages) that I thought was approaching the escalators too fast in the underground. I put my hand on his shoulder and stopped him. The mum was a bit further behind with a smaller one in a pushchair.

She thought I shouldn't have touched him. I tried explaining but she wasn't having it. I think she was just embarrassed though

I don't think I'd hold a kids hand or walk about with them, I'd probably just sit with them and call 101 so I had someone on the line who could explain to the mum when she found us that I wasn't a wrongun

Honestly, these parents who treat the person who's actually looking out for their child as if they're abductors do so much harm. They're creating an environment where people are afraid to intervene when they see a lost and distressed child wandering around, and the consequences of that could be very serious.

Some people really need to cop themselves on, use a bit of common sense, and be very grateful to the person who ensured their child came to no harm. Shouting at them, giving them dirty looks, or just snatching their child away and saying nothing is reprehensible behaviour.

Sane people in real life would do the same as you, OP.

In the parallel universe that is MN, you read all sorts of shite that people post just to put the boot into an OP.

In the other thread the child was being restrained. Unless you were dragging them along it's fine. Or you were holding their hand when they didn't want you to.

I took a child's hand whilst they were running towards a busy road with the dad close behind. I just had to physically stop them, by putting a hand on their chest and grabbing their hand. I had already made the internal decision that even if the parent was pissed off, I would still do it. Luckily and probably quite typically the dad was incredibly grateful I saved his child from running into the road.

You just have to do what you can live with, but that's different than disciplining other people's children which I really would try not to do (I have removed a toy sword from a child whacking everyone though!)

Official advice given about missing child here locally was to observe from a distance and inform the authorities do not reunite the child yourself.

chillzilla I have seen that too. It just made me snort!