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AIBU?

Parents Ages

57 replies

LucyLoue1991 · 26/09/2018 07:22

Hello,

Not AIBU, just wanted a variety of opinions.

I am a traditional Surrogate part of an agency and I’m currently at the point where I have access to Intended Parents profiles. The way the agency works is the surrogates choose to ‘Get to know’ a couple and if after a minimum of 3 months everyone is happy they do an agreement session. Once the agreement session is done the ‘team’ are then able to proceed with trying to conceive.

I have seen a couple that I really like the look of however the intended mother is 54 and the intended father is 59 and I was just after some opinions of older parents or people who had older parents and whether this would put you off or not? Part of me is a bit unsure but the other part of me thinks that this is not my judgement to make and if they feel they are able to be parents at that age I shouldn’t question it. Any opinions or advice welcome,

Thank you x

OP posts:
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fixingabrokenhesrt · 26/09/2018 07:28

I probably wouldn't, the dad would be 60 by the time a baby comes into the mix, and having a newborn/toddler is exhausting even without age being a factor!

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Bighouseinthesticks · 26/09/2018 07:31

If I was in your position I would personally consider them too old. He will be 80 when the child is 20! They are roughly the same age as my inlaws and I can't imagine them looking after a baby full-time. Also I had an older mother when I was young (at the time she was older, had me at 40, I know that's not old now, but compared to my friends 20 something mothers it was) and some kids used to think she was my grandmother and I remember being very embarrassed by it.

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hidinginthenightgarden · 26/09/2018 07:32

No I wouldn't. That child could lose their parents before they are 18. I don't think that would be fair. Even if they are fit and live to their 80s they aren't going to be able to get on the floor and play or chase them round a field.

Child could also end up being a carer to elderly parents in their 20s.

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InfiniteSheldon · 26/09/2018 07:32

That would affect my decision, you are bringing a baby into the world who will at eighteen have two parents in their 70's.

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MsVestibule · 26/09/2018 07:34

If you are allowed to choose who you are prepared to carry a baby for, then really, you're judging all of them, regardless of age.

This would be outside of my 'acceptable' parameters. I think my cut off point would be mid-40s.

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LooksBetterWithAFilter · 26/09/2018 07:35

I probably wouldn’t either. I look st my parents now turning 70 and they are still very fit and active and definitely a young 70 but both are starting to feel some health related issues in the last year or so. I mean my dad did a physically active job and only retired this year but can certainly see both of them slowing down.
My youngest is 8 and a half so near enough the age any baby would be by the time their parents were the same age as mine are now and my parents do find it tiring on days out and general keeping up with my ds. It’s surprising and a little scary how quickly ageing can happen at 60 my parents were very fit and healthy and while they still are they are definitely slowing down as well.

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Solasshole · 26/09/2018 07:36

Imo this is really unfair on the child, they are very likely to face the death or decline in health of their parents potentially before they are even 20. At some point in life people need to accept that they are too old to become parents (I'm not talking about someone who's 40, 50+ is hugely different.)

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user1471426142 · 26/09/2018 07:38

My parents were 40 when they had me so not even really that old compared to some parents now but it was more unusual at the time. I noticed a big difference compared to my peers that had younger parents. They had to give up work due to ill health when I was a teenager and that put an enormous amount of pressure on finances. Now I’m in my 30s I worry about their health and I worry about having dual caring responsibility for young children and elderly parents. For me having children in your late 50s is utterly selfish. While you’d hope you’d get to your 80s, you don’t know that that would be the case and healthy life expectancy tends to be far lower. The dad would be 60 by the time the baby comes. There is a chance that they would be taking in a caring role (or at worst orphaned
)before reaching adulthood and that just isn’t really fair.

I’m sure there will be lots of people that come on and say they are older parents and it’s wonderful but I’d have loved mine to have been a decade younger and no-one would bat an eyelid at 40 now.

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junebirthdaygirl · 26/09/2018 07:46

I think l would stick to the ages where it could possibly happen naturally. I would make that my guideline. So yes, even though its hard for that couple,they are too old. I am in my 50s now and when l have my gd for a length of time l am exhausted. I keep fit, work full time etc but looking after a small child needs a different kind of energy. And child could become responsible for aged parents at a very young age which is very unfair.

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Pandamodium · 26/09/2018 07:58

Like a previous poster said juggling young children with elderly parents (grandparent in my case) is hard going, harder still when it's a parent I can imagine. I don't want that if I can help it for my DC.

I love my gran and long as she is able to live independently then I will be there to help. I had to cancel an operation I desperately need yesterday because - family member who can cover my care is Ill themselves.

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Pandamodium · 26/09/2018 08:02

I'm 30 btw way but been looking after her 7 years now. She is 82 so similar age gap to what you will be looking at. She has Alzheimer's.

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shouldwestayorshouldwego · 26/09/2018 08:13

I don't think I could do it. I am not sure if I would feel differently if it wasn't my biological child. If one parent were younger I would consider it but it is veering too far away from the natural range. I know technically it might be possible but unlikely.

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Pickleypickles · 26/09/2018 08:15

54 is the same age as my mum who is relatively fit and healthy for her age and she says looking after my 18 month old is hard and she couldn't do it all the time. As for the guy, he will be 80 by the time the kid is 20! Seems unfair to me.8

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Pollypanda · 26/09/2018 08:39

I would question why at that age they want to become parents. Are they parents already? Or would this be their first child? Have they been together for a long time or is it a relatively new relationship?

Not many couples reach that age then think they’d like to start a family.

I think knowing more about their background may help you decide. Also, consider how spritely (for want of a better word!) they are - does it seem like they could do the sleepless nights, running around, etc. that comes with having a child.

I think surrogacy is fantastic, I applaud you.

All the best x

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DaphneDiligaf · 26/09/2018 08:45

I agree with the poster that says I would limit the ages to what nature intended.
Incidentally that is older than the last three generations of my family were when they became grandparents.

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MissWimpyDimple · 26/09/2018 09:00

I think in your position I would want to help couples who couldn't have children themselves within their "natural" ages. There are so many couples like that out there and I would want them to be the ones who get the chance to be parents.

Late 50s is and has never been the age to have babies. I'm sorry for them that they want this and can't have it, but that's life 🤷🏻‍♀️

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MaryShelley1818 · 26/09/2018 09:06

My friend recently adopted a baby (11mths) at the age of 50 and as a single mother.
She is the most amazing, fantastic and wonderful mother. That child could not have wished for a better parent.
I would base my decision on the people themselves rather than age.

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Nanny0gg · 26/09/2018 09:18

I'd also go with the 'could it happen naturally' brigade.

Older people can make fantastic parents but they are also (I would have thought) statistically likely to suffer some form of illness while the child is relatively young. (I know you can't legislate for that at any age, but still). And just because rock stars father children in their 60s/70s, it doesn't make it a sensible decision.

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MatildaTheCat · 26/09/2018 09:24

No. The potential child could easily end up facing their teens/early adult years with all the major issues of caring for aging parents. And if they were an only child that’s even tougher.

If someone conceives naturally at the older end of the spectrum then that’s part of life’s lottery but placing a child deliberately in that situation feels wrong. I’d say the same if they were seeking fertility treatment.

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cptartapp · 26/09/2018 09:29

My 47 year old friend and her 49 year old DH are expecting twins, due in several weeks. Her first set of twins are 16! She is that petrified she has hired a nanny!
I wouldn't do it for many reasons mentioned above.

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recklessgran · 26/09/2018 09:34

Op, first of all can I say how much I admire your brave altruism?
However, sorry, but I think the couple in question are too old. I say this as someone who had two in a year at 38 and 39. I was [I hope] a great parent to them but definitely noticed the difference to how I felt with my 3 younger DD's in terms of stamina.
My personal opinion is that perhaps at their ages they would make great foster parents but not sure about taking on your precious baby for life.

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recklessgran · 26/09/2018 09:36

Sorry, I meant older DD'S that I had when younger!

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SplishSplashSplosh · 26/09/2018 09:49

what if the child has health issues or disabilities of any sort? How would the parents cope in later years??

I would also say too old. I agree with a pp about choosing a couple up to their early 40s

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Sparklingbrook · 26/09/2018 09:54

I think too old as well. Looking to the future and possibly University etc and the father will be 80? Both possibly retired.

They are more Grandparent age.

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Rebellia · 26/09/2018 09:55

I know a couple who had twins naturally at pretty much the same ages as the couple you're considering - in fact the father was a bit older, already in his sixties.

It was a surprise but it's all worked out well and they're lovely parents, and the children are beautiful and happy.

Personally, I wouldn't be put off by the ages - parents can die at any age. The parents of most of my cohort at school had had their children in their late 20s/early 30s, but at least 15 lost a parent between year 7 and year 11.

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