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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend is insane?

50 replies

Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 18:49

I think I've upset my friend with my honesty I guess I'll call it. I didn't mean to hurt her but I assumed she'd feel similar to me

We had a really weird conversation where she told me her fiance is attracted to a woman at work. He feels terrible and awkward and was trying to be honest with her and open. Part of me respects that level of honesty. However he told her it's that bad he's physically affected in her presense. I was horrified and told her so. She thinks it's going to be fine and that if he's being this honest, they'll get past it but I think if he's attracted enough to be aroused around her, it doesn't bode well?

I assumed that's what she'd be thinking too so it came out before she'd finished and now she's upset with me

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garethsouthgatesmrs · 25/09/2018 18:52

Bless her. She wanted you to tell her it would be alright because he is being honest. I think in this case honesty was not the best policy and he should have saved her feelings

I doubt he is the first man to be physically attracted to another woman though.

Original poster
Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 18:59

Absolutely he won't be the first man to be attracted to another woman. I was probably a bit of a tit as my reaction was woah if he's that attracted to her that he gets aroused in public, do you trust him not to act on it? She was really offended. I feel bad and apologised but I personally wouldn't trust that

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Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2018 19:06

Your friend isn't really upset with you. She's upset by the truth. Her fiance is a wanker who was stupid enough to tell his partner something very hurtful and threatening. She should be very concerned for their future.

Original poster
Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 19:10

Aquamarine1029, do you agree with my reaction of not trusting him not to act on it if he's THAT attracted to her?

I feel awful she's upset but I stand by my distrust

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DinosaurPoop · 25/09/2018 19:22

I would think the exact same thing as you OP and I think your friend is being very naive to think otherwise.

I really do not understand his reasoning for telling her? Surely he knew it would upset her? Hmm

Sparklesocks · 25/09/2018 19:25

She’s probably more upset at the situation and maybe projecting that onto you. She might have been hoping you’d say it’ll be fine etc.

Original poster
Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 19:26

He''s only ever been a really good guy so it's thrown me a bit too. I honestly think he's scared he's going to act on it and told her so he doesn't

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Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2018 19:36

Op, I wouldn't trust him any further than I could throw him. In fact, my opinion is that he has ALREADY cheated, and this bizarre confession is nothing more than his guilt talking. Ffs, who on earth would tell their partner something like this?? It makes no sense.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 25/09/2018 19:40

I don't know if i think he has cheated but I feel like the only reason he can have to tell her is to upset her. This is a woman at his work so your friend has now got that on her mind all day every day. If my DH told me this I would assume he was either trying to upset me deliberately or trying to gently break the news that he is leaving for another woman.

Original poster
Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 19:41

They've been together 5/6 years and have a child and have always seemed really in love

What would you consider alredy cheated?

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Original poster
Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 19:43

I don't wsant to paint him as some awful man, that's not the case. He definitely didn't tell her to upset her. I really think he told her as a really clumsy safety net so he doesn't act on it

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tiredybear · 25/09/2018 19:45

I think the fact he has spoken to her about this does indeed reflect what a strong relationship they have.

A good relationship is not about saving each others feelings, it's dealing with the difficult moments together and coming out of it stronger.

I agree, that him being that attracted to another woman is a HUGE worry, but I would ALWAYS want to know. I think by telling her, he's doing everything he can to NOT act on it, even though it's very difficult for him.

It's something me and my partner have discussed before. I think by being open about it it takes some of the allure out. I really hope they can work through it.

Splurge77 · 25/09/2018 19:48

There was a recent thread where a Mumsnetter did similar and even voiced her feelings to her colleague (who was also married).

Some people tend to think that unflinching honesty and openness is a virtue, but really with stuff like this they’re just alleviating their own feelings of guilt and making they’re partner feel shitty instead. Not necessarily out of malice but likely emotional immaturity or self-absorption.

NottonightJosepheen · 25/09/2018 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 19:56

I would not have assumed that the physical reaction he experiences when in the presence of his co-worker meant he was physically aroused.
I immediately assumed he meant that he felt nervous, socially awkward or uncomfortable.

...I was trying to say it nicely but no, I meant an erection

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NottonightJosepheen · 25/09/2018 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nearlythesummer · 25/09/2018 20:09

Never trust a 'good' guy! No such thing in my bitter experience! You have nothing to feel guilty or bad about by letting her know your point of view. Perhaps he wouldn't act on it, but why on earth did he tell his fiance how he felt? What did he want her to say?

GabsAlot · 25/09/2018 20:12

no way hes saying it to be honest-why would anyone say that

oh yeah i go to work and the woman there give me a hard on

Original poster
Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 20:13

Like I said, I genuinely think he told her to try and not act on it. They are one of those couples that are very physically affectionate and he's never done anything at all other than be a good partner and father so it's just bizarre

I got the impresion from how she told it that he was quite troubled by it and felt guilty

But to me, if you're that turned on by someone else it seems unlikely you're not going to act on it?

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Aridane · 25/09/2018 20:21

I disagree that arousal necessarily means you are going to duck that person and I can see why your friend was upset.

Original poster
Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 20:25

I know it doesn't guarantee that happening, of course. I guess I'm just shocked at a man in his mid 30s reacting like a teenager to a woman so to me it sounds like he has a huge thing for her

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Emmageddon · 25/09/2018 20:25

Did she give any indication of how his workmate feels about being the recipient of his arousal in her presence? She might be utterly repulsed and horrified.

He's like the male version of the poster who frequently posts abut her crush on a workmate. She's told him and she's told her DH and therefore that makes it okay, or so she seems to think. The fact that the workmate is definitely not interested doesn't seem to matter.

Original poster
Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 20:28

I don't know about the woman in question and she wasn't mentioned in the conversation that my friend had with him other than the obvious

Obviously she would haveto be attracted to him too for it to be an actual threat

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Helpimfalling · 25/09/2018 20:33

@Aquamarine1029 you have a point with the already cheated thing

Original poster
Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 20:35

Helpimfaling, what do you mean? I would put money on him not already having slept with her. I don't thinkyou'd get hard from someone youve slept with already in such awkward circumstances?

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