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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my friend is insane?

50 replies

Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 18:49

I think I've upset my friend with my honesty I guess I'll call it. I didn't mean to hurt her but I assumed she'd feel similar to me

We had a really weird conversation where she told me her fiance is attracted to a woman at work. He feels terrible and awkward and was trying to be honest with her and open. Part of me respects that level of honesty. However he told her it's that bad he's physically affected in her presense. I was horrified and told her so. She thinks it's going to be fine and that if he's being this honest, they'll get past it but I think if he's attracted enough to be aroused around her, it doesn't bode well?

I assumed that's what she'd be thinking too so it came out before she'd finished and now she's upset with me

OP posts:

LetsGoBitches · 25/09/2018 20:37

Yyy splurge, spot on.

No one is served by this foolish confession, except they guy with the hard on.

How insensitive of him to offload “his truth” onto his fiancé and mother of their child. What an insensitive fool.

Sometimes it’s best to keep everything under wraps, including fantasy shags. We all have them, no one needs to know anything about them.

I think it sounds like he’s about 12 years old, telling his mummy something “interesting” about his wet dream. Blurgh.

Wearywithteens · 25/09/2018 20:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

ShawshanksRedemption · 25/09/2018 20:43

I think I'd turn it around. If a woman found a man attractive at work, so much so she was turned on, would it mean she'd act on it? I'd hope as people we'd all be able to control our lust in that way, whether male of female!!

I'm more interested in why he told his fiance. He's either doing it to make her feel bad, or he's telling her because he's quite disturbed by his body's reaction (ie not under his control) and wants his fiancé to know that. Only he can explain why he wanted to tell her, what did he want from his fiance once he told her? Reassurance that he's not a bad guy who can't control himself?

supersop60 · 25/09/2018 20:46

What an idiot. So now the OP's friend has to see her DP go off to work, knowing he's being aroused by seeing/talking to (?) another woman all day. If he's let his feelings get that far, things are not looking good. OP - i think you were right to be honest.

Original poster

Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 20:50

Thanks...I still feel terrible. I just assumed when it came out of my mouth that she was about to say the same thing not almost the opposite.

I've text her while reading replies and asked if he's ever mentioned anything about her before and she said only stuff about a band they both like and that she will be working more in his department from last month. I don't have the heart to reply saying what I actually think as she's still thinking everything will be fine

OP posts:

Original poster

Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 20:51

supersop60 , do you think feelings would be involved and not just a physical response?

OP posts:

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 25/09/2018 20:51

I feel sorry for the co-worker who has to deal with a colleague getting an erection if she so much as talks to him.

I'm trying to imagine saying to DH, 'I dunno...talking to Dave makes my nipples go like, really hard and I start sort of...panting like a dog? I just fancy him SO much I can barely get my job done. Is that okay with you?'

I think he's behaving pretty appallingly on all fronts really. YWNBU by saying so.

supersop60 · 25/09/2018 21:01

OP - I don't know about feelings. It's obviously a crush, and he must be having certain thoughts to get such a physical reaction in a public place.(unless he's 13).

Trills · 25/09/2018 21:04

He has an erection when he sees her?

How does he manage to exist in the world and hold down a job?

Does this really happen to adults?

Helpimfalling · 25/09/2018 21:07

I don't know like why would he tell her I'm guessing he just was wanting to talk about this woman and there's something he wanted to ease his concious (sp?) either way he's a major asshole

SpottingTheZebras · 25/09/2018 21:09

Do you think he hoped she would end things?

donquixotedelamancha · 25/09/2018 21:10

In fact, my opinion is that he has ALREADY cheated, and this bizarre confession is nothing more than his guilt talking.

Oh FGS. The guy clearly has the emotional intelligence of a brick but fancying someone and getting a hard is indicative of a crush, nothing more.

Most blokes have had this at some point (or maybe just me) but we are all sensible enough not to broadcast it. IME cheaters are don't volunteer info and are routinely dishonest about little things. This guy is pathologically honest; presumably because he is pretty serious about OP's mate. I assume he's very, very young and an idiot.

Original poster

Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 21:11

Trills, that's kind of where I'm at

To know him makes it weirder as he's perfectly normal so I'm ???

That's why I think it must be a bigger issue than just thinking she's attractive

If it helps, I don't think he's walking round with an erection constantly lol I think it's an every so often thing not that that really makes it better

OP posts:

Original poster

Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 21:13

He's late 30s so not very young at all

Spotthezebras, they've been together years and have a child and appears to love her so no I don't think it was that at all

I'm just frightened for my friend that shes sticking her head in the sand when I think there is the potential that he could be so attracted to this woman that he acts on it

OP posts:

MaryandMichael · 25/09/2018 21:14

So, the men you all know hardly ever get erections? How odd.

Original poster

Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 21:22

I don't think anyone is saying that but it's not the norm when you're in a happy relationship about a woman at work

OP posts:

donquixotedelamancha · 25/09/2018 21:38

He's late 30s so not very young at all Bloody hell.

a) He's doing well for his age.
b) How the fuck do your reach 30s and still think sharing this information with your girlfriend is a good plan?

I don't have the heart to reply saying what I actually think as she's still thinking everything will be fine

They have a kid. While it's funny for us to take the piss and speculate wild explanations, grown ups don't LTB over an erection when they have kids. Don't add to the drama, just reassure her.

Original poster

Gypsyboy · 25/09/2018 21:46

Woah I'm not saying she should leave him and certainly don't find it funny nor am I taking the piss?!

To clarify on the what I really think in case that wasn't clear is that he should be avoiding this woman not chatting about music and working closely with her if he values his relationship. I'm cross with him on that score but i think I've already said enough to my friend. No one is adding to drama but equally I'm not going to reassure her that everything is fine when I don't think it is

OP posts:

onlyk · 25/09/2018 21:59

OP it’s normal for people to be attracted to other people not just their partners, it doesn’t mean he has any intention of acting on. Little odd he told her but not out of the ordinary.

Did your friend actually asked for your opinion or did you just give it?

She may have wanted to talk through it with you and ask for advice as a friend but by not waiting for the question you may have given her an unwanted a opinion which is maybe why she was upset.

I wouldn’t pursue the topic any further as you may just make her defensive or upset her further. Wait for her to bring it up again (she may not if she’s ok with it) and let her ask for advice or just let her vent if that’s what she wants.

She’s in a long term relationship with a child so it’s unlikely they are going to split up over something so minor.

NottonightJosepheen · 25/09/2018 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ethylred · 25/09/2018 23:52

Sorry this is hilarious.
Will it be on TV?

Brambleboo · 26/09/2018 00:10

To me, it almost sounds like he's laying the groundwork, in case something does happen....

I don't think you were wrong to voice your concerns, OP. Your friend is probably feeling very confused over this man who has unburdened himself but left her shaken and with all the upset. He's the one she is, or should be, mad with, not you. She needs your outside perspective right now, but maybe wasn't quite as prepared as she thought she was. Hope you and she can make it up.

ushuaiamonamour · 26/09/2018 09:07

Don't particularly want to sound harsh, but some of the replies sound very naive or downright daft. Some couples are far more open with other than others, so I don't find it strange that he admitted the attraction nor, given that he seems so troubled by it, frighteningly worrisome. And for fecks sake an erection is involuntary and most men have a dozen or so each day. To call a hard-on cheating is ridiculous. Are some posters actually worried that the fact of his having one must inevitably lead to his having sex with her? that once he's erect sooner or later he will be overcome with lust? and is that anything like the reasoning behind 'She was dressed like a slut and I couldn't help myself, Officer--you know what men are like yourself'.

JovialNickname · 26/09/2018 21:10

I don't think the physical arousal in itself means he can't help but act on it - humans are more than just reactions to stimuli. I could (if I let myself) have an orgasm from sitting on the seat over the rear wheel on a bus - it doesn't mean I'm going to shag the bus driver!!! I think the fact he's discussed it with his partner is a good thing, even if he has said a bit much. He should be giving her lots of love and reassurance now though as his honesty has gone a bit too far

TeddybearBaby · 27/09/2018 07:04

Who knows what his reasons for telling her are but I definitely don’t think it’s ‘normal’ or that men of that age have loads of erections a day 🤔. Why would he bother mentioning it anyway if that was the case, he’d just be like ‘there I go again’ 😂. Maybe it’s something that he’s struggling with it and the person he’d go to when he’s struggling is his wife so he still did. It might be really worrying him, he probably hasn’t felt such a strong attraction to someone since meeting his wife. It would be scary maybe?

I know I’d look her up on social media and drive myself mad with it 🙄.

Don’t you feel bad for responding!

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