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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

free childcare = no right to complain?

44 replies

Takeabottle · 25/09/2018 18:31

Won’t say who is on which side but me and dp can’t agree who’s in the right?
Family member provides childcare for a few hours one day a week at our house for children (only ever one child at a time) very appreciated and needed as childcare has always crippled us financially!

However, every week they trapse mud all over the house, something gets broken, food all over the carpets, pen up the walls... The house is always a complete state. This week there is spilled juice all over our new curtains despite no drinks allowed in that room so you get the idea.

We’ve asked if their coping ok and said happy to stop arrangement at any time, she has said no way and is the one that wants to provide the care as says it gets her out of the house and she loves it.

One of us thinks as it’s free and we need it, we have no right to complain to the person or make our feelings known. The other one thinks you should respect someone’s house and she needs to be told how disrespectful it is.

So what’s the MN opinion?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/09/2018 18:34

It doesn't sound like she's coping. How old? Personally I would put a stop to it.

bridgetreilly · 25/09/2018 18:34

I think there's a middle way. Not complaining, making it clear that you're very grateful for the childcare, but just asking if she wouldn't mind cleaning up a bit as they go and also making sure that things like pens are put well out of the way before she gets there.

NailsNeedDoing · 25/09/2018 18:35

I wouldn't allow someone in my house without me there if they were going to treat it so badly, free childcare or not.

You absolutely have the right to complain about things like juice and mud being everywhere. The odd broken item as a one off and genuine accident I'd let go, but anyone with any respect for your home would apologies for that after bringing it up themselves anyway.

HardofCleaning · 25/09/2018 18:36

You can very politely request they take their shoes off and could they please be careful with juice (maybe it's only aloud in the kitchen). You shouldn't complain though. If things don't improve you decide whether the carpet stains are worse than paying for childcare and continue accordingly.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 25/09/2018 18:36

I think you have a right to say something but make.it General, remind her to please take shoes off and no drinks etc. You could phrase it to make it sound like you suspect it's the child who is messing about and not her fault as such.

I have no idea if you are exaggerating but what you have described sounds ridiculous for one child and one adult. What on earth are they doing?

HardofCleaning · 25/09/2018 18:37

I do think you have to accept that someone who is providing free childcare is much less likely to tidy up after kids than a paid nanny. personally I'd try to make sure there weren't stains or things didn't get broken but I probably wouldn't make a huge effort to make sure all toys were put away at the end of the day etc.

FilledSoda · 25/09/2018 18:39

Agree with pp.
It isn't about disrespecting your house it's someone, granny i assume , that isn't up to the job and the kids are running rings around her.
Put a stop to it before there's an accident worst than juice on the curtains.
I hope the kids are very young , otherwise it's them being disrespectful.

Nanny0gg · 25/09/2018 18:42

I provide 'free childcare'.

I follow the parents' rules regarding diet and sleep times. If there was anything I thought unreasonable I'd discuss it with them.

And I absolutely wouldn't let the DC trash their house. They need to be told.

(It's obviously DM or DMiL, which one is it)

BewareOfDragons · 25/09/2018 18:53

if the person providing care for ONE child can't get through the day without destroying the house as you've described, they're not up to the job and your child may not even be safe.

Find the money and put them in paid care.

Snog · 25/09/2018 19:10

I think you need to be upfront (in a respectful way) about what the issues are and take it from there.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 25/09/2018 19:10

However, every week they trapse mud all over the house, something gets broken, food all over the carpets, pen up the walls... The house is always a complete state. This week there is spilled juice all over our new curtains despite no drinks allowed in that room so you get the idea

Are you exaggerating? For example does traipse mud around the house means there's one single toddler footprint near the front door than comes off with a quick rub? Is the pen on the walls tiny mark as a one if incident which mil dealt with? Etc. If you are not exaggerating the agree there is an issue here.

Original poster
Takeabottle · 25/09/2018 19:17

It’s DPs auntie, she’s more like a Nannie though to the kids.
Not exaggerating, we have said no shoes, she will go for a walk through fields and then push the pushchair though to the other side of the house over carpets with mud on the wheels then leave it all day.
She is early 50s so it’s not an age thing I don’t rhink... she’s always so enthusiastic and happy at the end of the day but I’m so sick of it!
Tbh I think it’s a hygiene thing, her house is pretty unhygienic.. hence we don’t let the DC go there.
I’m really not sure how to approach it. I’ve text her this evening asking what exactly it is on the curtains so I could clean it off, she said ‘Juice I think. Had so much fun with DD today. Love her x’
Surely she must realise how annoying it is???

OP posts:
Slapbetcommissioner · 25/09/2018 19:20

Who cleans up all the mess, the one who thinks you can't complain or the one who wants to say something?

LIZS · 25/09/2018 19:21

How old is dd? Maybe ask her to keep her out of certain rooms and leave pram outside.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/09/2018 19:24

Stop using this woman fgs!

NoFucksImAQueen · 25/09/2018 19:25

it's not free childcare if it's costing you in endless cleaning.

BakedBeans47 · 25/09/2018 19:28

I do generall think if you’re not paying you get less clout over calling the shots but I would struggle to apply that thinking where she’s trashing your house!

YANBU

BrazzleDazzleDay · 25/09/2018 19:28

Text back "I don't like my house looking like a shit hole"

Rainycloudyday · 25/09/2018 19:31

This is why there's no such thing as childcare without a price. You just need to weigh up whether the financial saving is worth it and make a decision based on that.

PorkFlute · 25/09/2018 19:31

I don’t think you get the right to ‘complain’ as you would if you had a formal arrangement where you are paying for something. But you can certainly ask them if they would mind cleaning up a bit. If they don’t want to/are offended though they also have the right to withdraw the care they are providing.

jarhead123 · 25/09/2018 19:36

I was thinking you can't complain if it's free childcare, but after reading how she leaves the house I think yes you can! Thats disgusting she allows the child to draw on walls (and that the child does it tbh) I'd definitely need to have a word

onyabikeivy · 25/09/2018 19:48

Mil did this when she came to look after my dd, the next week she apologised for the mess but dd was upset most of the day, fine it took a while for things to settle, but still until I stopped work to have ds every week she'd mention dd doing a dirty nappy and every week it was left up on the changing unit in her room 😷 never any wet ones I'm not sure if it was that she didn't change her until she did a dirty nappy looking back

Merryoldgoat · 25/09/2018 19:53

I’d have to say something. Maybe

‘Auntie - I know how much you love looking after x but I think we’re running you ragged - I know they’re a handful and it’s hard to stop them wrecking the house but I’m finding the extra cleaning too much to manage’

Or if you’re more forthright

‘I know we’ve talked about avoiding mud before but you’re obviously finding it difficult. What can we do to stop the house getting wrecked when you watch DC?’

Bimmy76 · 25/09/2018 20:01

I think you need to find other childcare. If her own house is so unhygienic that you won’t let your child go there, it seems unlikely that she is going to be able to comply with what you want.

DioneTheDiabolist · 25/09/2018 20:05

Where family are providing childcare you don't complain you discuss. OP you and your DH need to have a conversation with his aunt. Don't ask her if she is coping ok, tell her that she is leaving the house in a complete state and you aren't happy about it. Then come up with some solutions together.

Good luck OP.Flowers