free childcare = no right to complain?

[Takeabottle]

Won’t say who is on which side but me and dp can’t agree who’s in the right?
Family member provides childcare for a few hours one day a week at our house for children (only ever one child at a time) very appreciated and needed as childcare has always crippled us financially!

However, every week they trapse mud all over the house, something gets broken, food all over the carpets, pen up the walls... The house is always a complete state. This week there is spilled juice all over our new curtains despite no drinks allowed in that room so you get the idea.

We’ve asked if their coping ok and said happy to stop arrangement at any time, she has said no way and is the one that wants to provide the care as says it gets her out of the house and she loves it.

One of us thinks as it’s free and we need it, we have no right to complain to the person or make our feelings known. The other one thinks you should respect someone’s house and she needs to be told how disrespectful it is.

So what’s the MN opinion?

I'd be letting your child go to their house or is it really that bad you can't? If that is the case then you wont change her. Weigh up what you want most, free childcare with a bit of cleaning or pay for childcare taking place out of your house.

We had a family member provide free childcare one afternoon a week. In the end I had to change my working hours as I couldn't cope with it anymore. I'd get home from a 10hr shift and cry. I'd have to tidy up after not only my own children but sometimes other children who had been invited to play (no, they never asked first.)

Once I discovered a few safety issues, and breaches of trust, I had to put a stop to it.

I'm assuming it is the child making the Mesa with mud pens and juice? In which case it is about helping the family member with disciplining the child. Perhaps they don't feel they are allowed to make the the child behaves.

If it is the adult making the mess, I would not complain. I would be worried about their sanity.

Yes I think you must speak with her. Why don't you say that you have rules about DCs eating and drinking only in the kitchen and taking shoes off in the house and you would really appreciate it if she would stick to the rules as they need consistency. Then next time there's a problem address it then and there, "Oh dear! How did mud get on the floor? Who forgot about taking their shoes of at the door?" Good luck!

Is your aunt on mn all day while the dc run wild??

That's awful you need to make alternative arrangements. That's extremely disrespectful in your home, trashing curtains and carpets plus stressful for you.

"There's no such thing as a free lunch". Find alternative childcare asap.

I way could I cope with this. Just find a way to pay for a childminder.

People have different levels of cleanliness. You know she's not that worried about it as you've mentioned her own home. I imagine her first concern is having fun with the child. She also enjoys being with them which is lovely.

Maybe ban squash. Hide the art stuff. Put towels down at the door and explain to her about the kids and their messy shoes. That's just me though and I'd find it hard to complain if someone was doing me the favour of free childcare.

How old is the child that is messing the house?

You are absolutely within your rights to bring it up with her.

She may be be fine with it and up her game. Or she may get offended and quit. It's the risk you take.

If you do bring it, I'd be at my most tactful & diplomatic to avoid the latter.

The only difference is that when you complain about care you’re paying for you are holding all the cards. You can withdraw your child and pay someone else. If you’re getting care for free and moan too much the danger is they will no longer look after your child for free.
I agree with the pp though who said that if her house is in that much of a disgusting state you don’t allow your child to go there expecting her to keep yours clean while looking after a child is probably expecting a bit much.

Your husband should be in charge of all the clean up then since he feels it's okay for his relative to destroy your house once a week.

Not knowing how old your children are, but why don’t you put a list of house rules up for the children. Just mention to auntie that we’re want the children to follow these now. 1. No shoes on in-house. 2. No food or drink in the lounge etc .

If she cant keep her own house clean, she wont be able/willing to keep yours clean. It's not personal. What you do about it is up to you. How old is the child?

I can't believe you thought this was a good idea when her house is so unhygienic you won't let your kids visit?! I mean - wtf?

Sorry I posted too soon, I think if you want to keep the relationship positive (and her text is very sweet, she obviously loves doing it) then you just need to find an alternative and instead maintain the relationship with her taking the kids out??

It sounds as if you have no gripe with the childcare itself but with the state she leaves your house in. It would piss me off no end, it's hard enough keeping your house decent when you hold down a job and have small children.

Would a conversation along the lines of what the rules are be productive? Ie drinks only in the kitchen, carry buggy through house, etc. If your child's happy it would be a shame to stop the arrangement but it must be rage inducing to find a tip when you get home.

I don't think there's any point speaking to her. If her standards are very low at home then she won't be doing it maliciously, I expect she genuinely doesn't notice. Different people have very different perceptions on what is acceptable and those are incredibly difficult to change without a lot of time and patience.

I would find alternative childcare. The stress and work this is causing you doesn't sound worth it to me. Trying to change her won't work (or it will take a lot of time & more than one conversation) and either way will cause massive resentment.