AIBU to take me DD’s phone from her?

[Jemimafuckingpuddleduck]

My daughter is 11 and has just started secondary, she is overall doing really well in school and seems to be enjoying it which obviously makes us really happy.

When we went for her “meet the tutor” evening we were surprised at how much the teachers allow the children to use their phones in school times, time table spreadsheets, class WhatsApp groups, emails from teachers with homework instruction etc it’s all actively encouraged however just put it down to me and DH being ancient and times very much changing!!

DD got an iPhone from Santa last year and while our main reason for buying it was starting secondary, walking to and from school bus, afterschool activities etc as we live rurally and obviously now uses it for school purposes within school hours she still has all the usual tween/teen apps snapchat, musically, tiktoc and like most kids would sit on it all day (if we’d let her) and we are careful to keep an eye on what she is doing and the amount of time she is on it!

Last night she did something really irresponsible and dangerous at home and as a punishment I have taken away all electronics laptop, phone the works!

She seemed to accept this punishment and was very apologetic until this morning when I told her it wouldn’t be going to school with her and she did and still is going ape shit, Apparently she won’t know where to go, what homework she has, any change in class or timetable, where to meet her friends for lunch and she will be in big trouble with her teachers...

For the record I do believe she wants it for school prurposes mostly, although know she is already missing her iTunes/headphones, chatting to her friends about their day (2 minutes after they have last seen each other!)

AIBU to think that there must be a way to get through a school day/week without a phone, surely not every single year 7 student has one, what do those kids do and how did all the generations of kids before mine get through school life without them...

DH husband thinks maybe we should give back for school purposes/hours but I can’t help but think that it really does leave us nothing in terms of consequences for bad behaviour (and the behaviour was really bad) and also in a world where nothing organic is left, even writing a timetable on a fucking bit of paper I should be be encouraging her to live a life without being dependent on a phone!!!

Sorry but I don't believe any school relies on personal phones alone to notify timetable changes and communicate. Do you have any old brick phones she could use in an emergency?

I’m with you OP, it’s not a punishment if she has it back!

She’ll have to learn how to manage without it at school, I don’t believe every child has a smart phone. She won’t like it, but then isn’t that the point of a punishment?

Since going to an online safety talk at my son’s school I’m not allowing any smart phones until they’re 14 youngest. This might be unrealistic (my son is only 5) but the safeguarding risks are too high.

YANBU. At all. But presumably you got some sort of list of essentials at the beginning on the year? Sports clothes and all? Did it say mobile phone on it?

I would be very surprised if she really needed it! If so could you delete all apps apart from school ones?

I think every child does have a smart phone tbh. And yes schools are increasingly reliant on the use of them .My own kids log into the app for school study groups etc. And on the app they receive emails from teachers about homework, projects etc. Their school doesnt send letters home anymore, just updates on the parent section of the app.

Also presumably she has teachers around. She can just explain to them and get the info another way.

This is why schools shouldnt rely too much on technology. I suspect she is over exaggerating how often it is used and surely she can just arrange things with her friends in person.

You could ring the school and explain and ask what the alternative will be with no phone? Especially as her tutor has informed you how much the school rely on this

It could be a problem - schools do rely on online homework. My DDs' homework was about 70% set online, very little in the way of worksheets, so a phone or laptop definitely needed. It's because of the cuts schools have had to make - online costs less than printing.

There are at least two academies near to me that are all but paperless. Everything is on the ipad - which are given to pupils.

All home work for my off spring has been set on line . It's a bugger if a phone is broken, but they had to use school facilities before or after classes.

Any HW set on the whiteboard is now snapped

Parent portal, the parent phone app, paying dinner money online. A phone is needed

What did she do that was dangerous?

What did she do that you had to take everything away?
Also, she got the phone from Santa, really?

My youngest sibling is in Year 12, and actually phones are key to how the school communicates with them throughout the day.

They all have school email accounts configured on their phones, so when a teacher sends out an email they see it immediately, rather than whenever they next happen to log onto a school computer.

This means that a teacher can notify them that they won't be in that day so a lesson is cancelled, or that their head of year can summon them all to the lecture theatre at lunchtime for a last minute meeting.

And when she was further down the school, so much of her homework was set via an online website, especially maths/sciences, because the school couldn't afford enough textbooks for them to all take one home with them.

Wow!!

Most schools have a complete ban on phones. It hinders lessons and has caused a few safeguarding problems.

The school seems strange. Have you spoken to them about why?

Ionising... You can see from the replies on here that schools are using phones massively in lots of ways both in and out of school. The school certainly isn't strange

Thanks for all your reply’s!!

We are going to remain strong and not give in for this week!

Her behaviour definitely warranted a punishment and as predicted it was something that stung when took away which to me suggests it was the right way to go!

In terms of using phones at school, I’m on the fence! I get the saving paper, more efficient/effective way of spreading resources and I do think that most of DD’s friends all have smart phones but not all and it’s certainly wasn’t something that was written down as compulsory!!

As mentioned before in app we are in quite a rural location and DD (albeit with friends) has a quite a walk to to and from school bus stop, that was the main reason for getting her a phone (yes from Santa...didn’t realise there was a law/rule when that wasn’t allowed to be a thing!! )

I’m not sure if we had been somewhere more central/shorter distance If she would have had one for year 7 and I’m also not sure I’m happy with her living so much of her life through her phone at this young an age!!

There's no need to end every sentence with an exclamation mark!

Sometimes full stops are fine!

Ah thats mean dentista!

I would speak with the school about whether or not it's necessary tomorrow tbh. Working in a college this would cause issues for my students and schools and colleges do rely on technology with students. Whether or not you agree with it, tech is a key component to modern day lives and as such having students use it in these ways is not out of place.

HOWEVER I don't disagree with taking the phone off her and I don't think you should tell her that you're talking to the school until you have and know what they've said. If they verify what she's said and there's no alternative - eg using a school computer for work related stuff - then might need to rethink.

Not an easy one OP

It would be ridiculous if they HAD to use their phones as it would exclude people who didn't have one..more than you think!

I would be more concerned actually that your 11 year old has Snapchat and musicly. My daughter has no social media other than WhatsApp and I have her password to look at her messages everyday.

At my dds secondary, phones are not allowed, not allowed to be in the bag to and from school, not allowed st all! I’m so pleased. Esp for my next dd who has ASD and starts secondary next year. Communication is complicated enough for her. So dd1 doesn’t have a phone, but can use mine to contact friends (does occasionally, less than weekly). I hear the stories about her friends from other schools and I think it’s dangerous to be so reliant on phones in school.

Whilst many schools do have a ban on phones in lessons, increasingly they do rely on technology, and phones are a bigger and bigger part of that.

My DD3 is 16 now and has just started sixth form. School sends them regular emails via their own school email accounts for which their phones are the most practical method of access throughout the day.

I think it will become increasingly a thing.

I'm a teacher and a phone is as much a part of my classroom now as the white board or pupils themselves. Al our homework goes online- we have parental complaints if we don't- and the kids use their phones for research in class all th time. The reality for Mose schools is that our budgets are minuscule and so technology stops me having to photocopy (I bought my own printer for my class because I could do my job if I can't print anything). It also means that I can communicate to the kids who all have class group chats. Obviously I'm not on them, but if I tell one then they all know pretty quickly. I also have a 14 yr old who is never off her phone and acts like I've stolen her kidney when I take it off her. The dilemma is always keeping away from her for a school day. I haven't done it yet...