AIBU - middle aged brother asking 82yr old father to host his child's birthday tea.

[llamalana]

First time poster. My father is 82, in fairly good health (despite a brain aneurysm last year), lives in cosy-sized pensioner housing and looks after himself although does get tired. Every holidays he enjoys hosting a small morning tea for his five grandchildren (3 are my children). He does a bit of fruit and buys some crisps and an apple pie. We are in and out in an hour (in respect of his age and tolerance for smallish children being noisy and childlike). My brother has two children and for some reason asked our Dad to host his one year old's first birthday this year. My Dad asked me to do the cake. I thought it was a bit odd at the time but made the cake and we attended the morning tea party. This weekend just been, we hosted one of my children's birthday parties at our own home. Whilst extended family all there my father asked myself and sis-in-law to come up with a convenient date for next school holiday morning tea. Fair enough and would've done this over the next days. However as my father was leaving this has now changed and I was being asked would myself and three children be free to attend my brother's 4 year old son's birthday party on X date at my 82 year old father's home, just let him know if date worked. Apparently my brother asked him during the day if he could do this for them. Birthday tea going ahead hinged on my agreeing this. My brother has his own house and a wife and is perfectly capable of hosting a party. I have said I feel uncomfortable about agreeing to this. My father has asked me to speak to my brother and has now said he won't host any morning teas for us this holidays which is awkward but I wasn't declining to attend a morning tea, I just think my brother and his wife should be putting on their own children's birthday parties. AIBU? I now have the deep joy of communicating all of this to my brother! Sigh.

Well you say you feel uncomfortable about agreeing to the birthday tea but how did your Father feel about it?

I love your dads morning tea idea! Your brother is a dick and he needs to be told that expecting your dad to host a childs birthday party is not on. I would be telling him that you will not be going and why or you could just ask him why he isnt holding the party at his own house and then base your answer on that.

Have i got this right? Db and df were arranging for birthday tea at df house. Both were happy with doing this but needed you to agree a date to make sure all the cousins were together? You think db is taking the piss and said no. Df and db now upset? Maybr db wants his kids to have happt memories of their grandpa? Maybe grandpa loves doing it and having little ones for their birthday? Maybe it was a nice thing to make him happy?

My father is fine with it although he doesn't bake so would have to outsource the cake (hence me doing the 1 year old's cake earlier this year.) I am uncomfortable with it as I don't want it to become a thing that my father just does when my brother is in his mid 40s and is perfectly capable of organising a party - has done in the past which we've all attended no problem. He has two children so doing that will be my father doing both this year. My father puts on all the food. My brother, his wife and children all come, eat, do cake, open presents, hang out and then just go home leaving everything to be cleared up. Our other brother is also not happy about it becoming a thing.

I think for one thing, they absolutely have to clear up and not just leave him with a mess! Also once might be fine, but ask them to rent the village hall next year like normal people.

AJPTaylor we were already arranging just small morning tea as is our usual thing to do every hols but has now been highjacked and turned into birthday tea. So we would've been creating the happy memories, all cousins together with grandad already but without all the pressure of it being a birthday thing. So we could have had our usual holiday catch up and then done birthday party another day at my brother's house where my father could come along too, eat cake, watch happy children and go home to a tidy clear house with no extra work.

Would this party just be the cousins, or would friends be invited too?

Cousins plus 6 other adults to cover off our family.

Just tell your brother you don’t want the nice gesture of a “holiday tea” to be tied to birthdays of ANY of the cousins, because you don’t want anyone upset in the future if plans have to change for any reason.

Why don't you all just host these things in a nice tea shop or something? It sounds like your dads getting leaned on a little from many sides. Take him and the little ones out instead. There's loads of places that would host this.

Is your DB really trying to outsource all the expense, organisation and nearly all the work of a child's party to his 82-yr-old father ?

Maybe I'm missing something - haven't drunk my morning cocoa yet - but that sounds incredibly selfish and entitled of your DB.

BigChocFrenzy even your morning cocoa won't make sense of it I don't think. Yes, he is expecting this. As have already had example of that with his one year old's earlier this year.

I’m gobsmacked. Your brother and his wife are prize arses. Fancy leaving an elderly man to do all this work. In what world is this behaviour acceptable? // I’ve reread your comments a couple of times. Are you saying your father has told you because you told him your brothers behaviour is unacceptable that he will no longer do tea parties? Ie blaming the situation on you? I’m confused.

I’m not sure it is your business to interfere. I can’t imagine my brother and mum arranging something and me getting involved and telling them both they shouldn’t be doing it. It would be different if your dad had asked you to speak to your brother because he was somehow unable to. But on the basis of what you’ve said I think YaBU

It sounds as if your Dad is stuck between upsetting one or the other of his children with a bit of sibling grumbling going on. Do you not get on with your brother and his wife?

Mind you, my mum is just mid sixties. Maybe there is an angle I don’t understand because I don’t have parents of the same age as your dad.

If it were a case of your DB bringin geveything for the birthday tea, setting it all up and typing all away then I don’t think that is a problem. But it doesn’t sound he’s doing this and so he is being a complete bellend.

Is your dad happy with the arrangement - that seems to me to be the crucial question? A one-year-olds birthday party is always a bit of an artificial construct anyway - they are not old enough to have real friends, it is more about marking the occasion with family. Your dad will not be around forever - maybe he likes the idea. Surely if it’s all family then you will all pitch in and help anyway? If your dad thinks it’s all a bit much and that’s why he wants you to speak to your brother then that’s a different matter.

Maybe it's the 4 year old's favourite thing to do & was his idea. Your dad may have been really proud that his DGC love his tea parties so much and you may have rained on his parade.

Think your brother is cheeky.

ScottishInSwitzerland thank you. Am genuinely after all opinions. Yes I have found my parents have become much more tired as they have got to 78 (my Mum - now disabled and largely just stays at home - but when in her 60s spritely, in the garden etc) and my father 82 post brain aneurysim and with pace-maker - I am more protective of them. It was more that it started off as just a real quick morning tea (think sliced apples, plus bowl of crisps with shop bought apple pie) which is normal holiday tea thing to now... a birthday tea = lots more food, plus cakes plus more people. They didn't contribute earlier in year and unlikely to contribute this time. But yes, also been wondering whether to just go along with it to keep the peace although I feel it's taking advantage.

To keep the peace, I would agree, but tell your brother to buy all the food & drink for the adults, and say in no uncertain terms, this is the last year you want your parents put upon to host a birthday party, and it’s only morning teas in future

Sorry, I’ve just realised he hosted the one-year-old and is now being asked to host the four-year-old. That does look like he’s setting a precedent. As a pp said - maybe the four-year-old asked for the same as his brother and your dad is happy to oblige, but if he’s doing it because he feels he can’t say no then that’s a different matter. It does sound a bit like you DB is hijacking your dad’s goodwill so he doesn’t have to organise a party himself.

Important serious question. Is there a Communal Lounge in Dads Retirement Flat. Is so it’s a great idea, the Residents at my Mums have Family Parties all the time and invite all the Neighbors. The last one was a 100, my Mums had Heart Attacks, Strokes and still enjoys a Party if it all gets too much they can always go to the Bedroom and rest.

I don't know whether it helps at all with this problem, but my DF is in his 90s, and the thing that distresses and scares him more than anything is no longer being of use to his family. Protectiveness has to be discreet. And one way of making him feel useful and needed which I find very hard to do is accepting help I don't need (advice on the best route to a hospital appointment, or loan of a 20 year old street map).