AIBU? Mountain out of a molehill!

[caitlinohara]

Had a lovely weekend away this weekend with dh and ds's and extended family. Set off back last night at about 7pm, 2 hour journey home. Probably should have left sooner but they were having fun playing in the garden and as it had rained most of the time we thought - ok. Ds1 (11) and ds2 (9) start making up silly songs and generally dicking about in the car. This is not unusual, and not a problem, but after an hour and a half or so we said ok, quieten down now, it's getting a bit late and ds3 would normally be asleep by now, also it was getting louder to the point where we couldn't have a conversation. They wouldn't calm down. Started flashing torches about, doing silly voices when we said to be quiet, which then escalated into me shouting and them being out and out rude. ds2 has since apologised. ds1 is unrepentant and despite me trying to talk to him about it this morning and this evening persists in saying that there was nothing wrong with them 'playing' and that me and dh were 'being annoying'. I can't get through to him and it just seems so petty that such an insignificant incident as them messing about a bit in the back of the car has turned into a major row! I have said to him that it's not the mucking about so much as the lack of respect - I feel increasingly that he has no respect for either me or dh and I don't know why that is or how to change it. He is sulking now in his room and probably won't eat now this evening. Help.

[BobLemon]

What was your DH doing while you were trying to get them to be quiet?

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

Very disrespectful and could have been dangerous. Explain that and issue a punishment.

[caitlinohara]

Dh also trying to get them to be quiet. Not just me. They weren't listening to him either, it wasn't just me they were ignoring.

[caitlinohara]

I have taken tablet off ds1, he is so stubborn though that I don't think he will apologise. I think I can hear him picking all the paint off his door frame so he is clearly still cross.

[BobLemon]

Are there usually strict rules and boundaries, or a relaxed household?

[caitlinohara]

Ok just checked, not picking paint, it was Lego! Said we need to talk about this, he started getting tearful and pushed me out of the door and shut the door on me. ffs.

[TwoOddSocks]

YANBU. That could be dangerous in the car. You're the adults so while I'm absolutely in favour of explaining why DC can't do XY or Z it's still ultimately my (and DH's) decision. DS1 should accept that if you've said stop he should have stopped. If he doesn't there should be a consequence.

[CSIblonde]

It sounds like he's repeatedly disrespectful, so what consequences are there? Talking hasn't worked, so consequences will make him realise its not on. If you don't implement them now, he'll be a nightmare teenager. No TV, no IPad or Internet for the evening would be a start each time he's vile. Be consistent & don't just threaten it, do it.

[MaggieMagpie357]

My daughter apologises once in a blue moon, even when she's clearly in the wrong. It's bloody infuriating, but there comes a time when going over the same point again and again has to stop, and it's better to move on. Even if he apologises now he probably won't mean it. Maybe before the next car journey you can all agree on some basic car rules so that everyone has a safe and fun journey?

[Seniorcitizen1]

If he is 11 and no respect for you then you might have missed the boat here

[BobLemon]

This is a bit too long to be dragging things out, really. You’re not going to get any actual remorse or even respect this late after the event I don’t think. We have twin DS10s-nearly 11. Answering back (ie saying you’re annoying) is ZERO TOLERANCE. Albeit, mostly policed by my OH. And I don’t mean a calm response and an explanation that it’s rude. They’re sent out immediately with a “get out” if we can, or there’s a bollocking if not. Sounds harsh, but everyone knows where the line is and we have no long winded arguments or tantrums.

[caitlinohara]

Boblemon I don't know. Compared to some, maybe fairly strict - I have taken phone away because he was literally doing nothing else, we have no games console - again because he would do nothing else. But he is allowed a fair amount of freedom to go out with friends to the park etc by himself, providing I know where he is going and who with. Pretty consistent bedtime and morning routine. Homework has to be done. Doesn't have to do after school clubs and things, he has done a few over the years but I let him quit when he wanted to. Probably doesn't do enough around the house. I don't know. It's like having a teenager at times. And he's only 11!

[TooTrueToBeGood]

You let an 11 year old push you out a door? Somewhere along the line you have allowed them to lose all respect for you. Stop letting them walk all over you. No means no, now means now, no ifs no buts no maybes and the stock answer to "why" is "because I say so".

[caitlinohara]

i know it's too long to be dragging things out. It's ridiculous. It was nothing, a minor annoyance that has turned into a situation where he probably won't even eat now! I totally agree, need to move on. God am terrible parent. Tired. Could do without the drama. Thanks.

[caitlinohara]

TooTrue please can you come and parent my children? Yes I did let him push me out of the door, what else could I do? Should I have pushed him back?? What would you do?

[Aquamarine1029]

Now is the time to bring down the hammer. Your son is being outrageously disrespectful and you must nip this nonsense in the bud. Please remember that you are the parent and do not have to explain yourself to your child. You asked him nicely and repeatedly to be quieter. You shouldn't have had to ask twice. Unruly behaviour in a vehicle can be dangerous. He needs to be punished and if he wants to pout in his bedroom with no food, so be it.

[caitlinohara]

TooTue I wasn't being sarcastic by the way, that was a genuine request.

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

I was inspired/reminded by this thread to deal with rudeness from yesterday. My DD is 10 and I get a lot of back chat. I think it needs firm handling and consistently. I left it yesterday as it was getting heated. Today was calmer and I felt more able to handle it.

[caitlinohara]

Genuinely though, is there any way back from this? I feel like we get along most of the time. It's just that when something like this happens (about once a week/fortnight at the moment) I begin to doubt everything, because I don't know why he doesn't respect us (and it is dh as well, it's not just me) and I don't know how to turn that around.

[OlennasWimple]

OP, you sound like Bridget Jones there

[Rhondacross]

If this happens again in the car the first thing to do is find a safe place to stop. Then deal with the situation, and discipline. You might also be really explicit about how it is putting the whole family and others in danger of an accident.

[caitlinohara]

I definitely didn't speak to my parents like this either, and they were not in any way strict about anything, they must have taught me respect by stealth. I remember being genuinely upset when my mum was cross with me and wanting to make it up to her. I don't know how you get them to feel like that.

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

I think my daughter is becoming a teenager early. I don't want a battle every other week but she needs to know she isn't in charge and doesn't get to make the rules. If I take the easy way out and do nothing then I'm not parenting.

[YouTheCat]

I don't think playing with torches in a car is a 'minor annoyance'. That could be really dangerous. He needs that spelling out to him. If he doesn't want to listen then that's tough. I'd ground him if he likes having that freedom. Freedom comes with responsibility and if he can't take the responsibility then he loses the freedom.

[TooTrueToBeGood]

The problem with parenting is it's an art, not a science. Somehow I managed to pull it off but I don't have a magic formula to share. I was strict in the sense that i set very clear boundaries but relaxed in that I expected them to push the boundaries now and again. What I had zero tolerance for was backchat or cheek and they learned that very early on. It's not so much about punishments - I can count on my fingers the number of times i needed to raise my voice to any of them, never ever raised my hands and didn't do groundings, naughty steps, confiscating devices etc. You just need to expect and command respect and reward that with fairness, love and fun. When they chance their arm at being disrespectful you nip it in the bud right away and make it very clear that's a line they don't get to cross.