AIBU? Mountain out of a molehill!

[caitlinohara]

Had a lovely weekend away this weekend with dh and ds's and extended family. Set off back last night at about 7pm, 2 hour journey home. Probably should have left sooner but they were having fun playing in the garden and as it had rained most of the time we thought - ok. Ds1 (11) and ds2 (9) start making up silly songs and generally dicking about in the car. This is not unusual, and not a problem, but after an hour and a half or so we said ok, quieten down now, it's getting a bit late and ds3 would normally be asleep by now, also it was getting louder to the point where we couldn't have a conversation. They wouldn't calm down. Started flashing torches about, doing silly voices when we said to be quiet, which then escalated into me shouting and them being out and out rude. ds2 has since apologised. ds1 is unrepentant and despite me trying to talk to him about it this morning and this evening persists in saying that there was nothing wrong with them 'playing' and that me and dh were 'being annoying'. I can't get through to him and it just seems so petty that such an insignificant incident as them messing about a bit in the back of the car has turned into a major row! I have said to him that it's not the mucking about so much as the lack of respect - I feel increasingly that he has no respect for either me or dh and I don't know why that is or how to change it. He is sulking now in his room and probably won't eat now this evening. Help.

In answer to shoving you out of the door, I would physically have stopped my child doing that. No way does my child get to lay a hand in me aggressively. In relation to the car incident, I would have stopped the car until they stopped doing what they shouldn’t. If that meant leaving a motorway to do so I would have. I think there’s a greater issue here of him disrespecting you and that’s what you need to show him you won’t accept.

TooTrue you make that sound awfully easy. I hate taking devices away, it sounds feeble and desperate and makes me sound like a twat. I would far rather express strong disapproval and have them see the error of their ways. I have clearly gone badly wrong somewhere. But we are where we are. And I don't know how to turn it around. Once they are answering back to your reprimands, it's too late to nip it in the bud, all I can do is remove privileges and hope that makes them think again.

Yes we should have pulled over, definitely.

I feel for you op, kids of that age can start to develop the 'teenager attitude' and sometimes it's hard to know how to handle the behaviour.

He definitely does not get to push you out of his room - if he starts being physically aggressive with you and gets away with it it could escalate.

You need to get more strict with him. When you're both calm have a serious chat about boundaries and respect. The car thing was extremely dangerous and he knows this, he's not a little child anymore.

Good luck

You let him push you out the door? no wonder he/they were playing up.

I think you need to stop trying to deal with it on your own. You and your DH are on the same page on this, so talk to him calmly together. Once you have got him to agree that his behaviour is unacceptable, ask him what he thinks a reasonable punishment is. You may agree! He might say "take away my phone for a week" which you may agree is fair, and if so, great. If he refuses to engage with you, then go all out and ground him, remove all priviledges. And don't be too hard on yourself, he pushed you, he's in the wrong, you occupy the higher moral ground and it's going to be very hard for him to argue with you when you tell him how unacceptable all his behaviour is. And don't talk to him in his bedroom, talk to him together in family area, without his siblings.

Your child knows he has done wrong. That's why he is pushing you out of the room. When my child got himself into this sort of mess I would help him out. I would go into his room and sit on the bed and insist you are going to have a chat and then just speak to him. It always ended in a cuddle. He is a child. You love him. Ignore those who feel you aren't strict enough.

11 year old son pushed you out the door?! You and your husband had better seek professional advice. My advice wouldnt be acceptable but you really cant let him treat his family like this.

Hi Op, coming from a different perspective here, but at 11 your DS lacks the cognitive ability to be as manipulative or in control of impulses/foreseeing consequences. This doesn't by any means stop him from taking responsibility or excusing him, but he'll be in his twenties before he masters this! He probably was really overtired which leads to silly behaviour and getting carried away, and with his age he probably said the first thing that came to his head because he couldn't handle his feelings. He's probably pretty overwhelmed and not sure about how to get back from this, and feeling all churny and horrid but unable to apologise. I'd let it go, go in and give him a hug and say to him something like "right, let's set something straight. We're letting this go but I need to trust you. Please don't ever do anything like that again because it's dangerous, and it upset me and your Dad. I won't let you do that again." It's a way of pushing away conflict, reconnecting and moving on but laying down the law in a mutually respectful way.