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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU wanting to speak to DS GFs parents

36 replies

Sassielassie · 24/09/2018 15:01

Long story
But DS is going through a mental health crisis. He a tried to commit suicide now twice. It all started when he started dating his GF. He has ADHD and is showing all the signs of hyperfocused dating. They have virtually been living together in each others parents house since day one. Each time she tries to end it (its been two months) he loses the plot and tries to commit suicide or ends up in trouble with the police. She ended it last week. I took him to MH crisis team. We got him on meds and he made positive plans to go forward. But two days later he was back with her. He stopped coming home and lived in her parents house. He had confided in me that his GF also had MH issues and that she had really screwed with her last boyfriends head.
Anyhow. From what i can gather he went out at weekend with friends but she found him and started an argument and he has been arrested. I want to go and speak to GFs parents and explain about mental health issues and that he needs to be home but DH dosent want to go until we find out what he has done. I feel its irrelevant and they still need to know. GF has been texting wondering what has happened so she was clueless so she says. Who is right. Me or DH.

OP posts:

Familyfeud22 · 24/09/2018 15:03

Surely you need to find out why your sons been arrested first?

Medea13 · 24/09/2018 15:03

DH is right. Your son wouldn't have been arrested for no reason. Also how old are they?

Merryoldgoat · 24/09/2018 15:05

How old is your son?

I have no experience in this area but I’d want to talk to her parents too. They sound terrible for one another and they’d benefit from some time apart so I’d want to work towards that.

billybagpuss · 24/09/2018 15:05

this happened at the weekend and we're now on Monday afternoon and you are still in the dark as to what happened? Is he still at the police station? If it were my child I would be down there trying to get some information. I have no idea if they'd give it to me but it doesn't sound like you're going to get anywhere with GF.

Original poster

Sassielassie · 24/09/2018 15:08

They are both 20. She said he got really angry and the police put him in the car to calm down. The police asked her for a statement but she said she was fine and he was having alot of issues at the moment. Im wondering if he has went on to do something else once she has left. He is not in a good place and really needs help. This is very out of character for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sassielassie · 24/09/2018 15:10

They wont give me any information. I have tried. All i know is his court date.

OP posts:

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 24/09/2018 15:17

YANBU to speak to his GF's parents so that they are in possession of all the facts. If he's a risk to himself and he's staying with them then they need to know. What do you want them to do though? They can't do anything to stop the relationship anymore than you or your DH can. I suppose you could ask them to refuse to let him into their house but will that help? Or will he just wander the streets and be more likely to get into trouble with the police or do something drastic?

zenasfuck · 24/09/2018 15:19

If he's going to court he's been charged with something - they didn't just put him in a car to calm down

YeTalkShiteHen · 24/09/2018 15:25

I think for both their sakes it makes sense for all parents to sit down together and try and find a way to help them both.

Maybe her parents know what he’s been charged with? Could you call the court and see if they’d tell you? (I know that worked when my friend’s XP was arrested)

It sounds like both of them are really struggling and that it’s a pretty toxic relationship for both of them.

I’m with you, speak to her parents, they probably know things you don’t and vice versa, so hopefully it’ll give you all a clearer picture of what’s going on and an idea of how to move forward.

Original poster

Sassielassie · 24/09/2018 15:29

I understand he is being charged with something.. my actual issue is that if i had a partner of one of my children living in MY house who had mental health issues enough to be medicated and be arrested..I would want to know. Im worried about him. I want them to understand how ill he is at the moment and ask that he dosent stay there as often so i can keep a better eye on him because i can tell his state of mind better than they can because hes MY son. I just want to help him get better and i cant do that if hes living in someone elses house who dosent even know hes ill.

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 24/09/2018 15:32

If they don’t know anything about his MH or ADHD diagnosis I think it is important that you speak to them as soon as you can. Hopefully they’ll see the relationship isn’t good for either of them and want to help too.

Snowymountainsalways · 24/09/2018 15:35

I would absolutely speak to gf parents and explain fully the situation and ask them to support you in your efforts to keep him living at home and in a more balanced environment. He is 20, so an adult but given his issues his age comes secondary to his safety.

The gf parents must be dealing with quite a lot of this too, so may not be adverse to make an action plan with you.

It sounds like they are feeding one another, and triggering and seem unable to manage themselves. It is not unreasonable to step in given the two suicide attempts. I would do so today.

Your son may need legal representation if he is going to court. Getting a handle on him taking his meds and staying at home is a priority to stop a further suicide attempt or reoffending.

Welshmaiden85 · 24/09/2018 15:35

Is he getting an adult support of some kind? Solicitor? Make sure the police know he is a vulnerable adult.

Original poster

Sassielassie · 24/09/2018 15:38

YeTalk .. yeah thats what i feel. I do think its very toxic. I think him being arrested and his MH etc are two separate issues regarding her parents although they need to know everything because one has led to the other. If i was her parents i would want to know. Both for his safety and hers im feeling. Im so worried. I just want them to know the facts. I think i will deal with them tonight and then phone court tomorrow and try and find details and a time.

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 24/09/2018 15:39

Welsh makes a fair point, does he have a social worker or an advocacy worker? A vulnerable adult should have an appropriate adult when being interviewed by the police (if they knew) and he’ll need a solicitor before his court appearance too.

YeTalkShiteHen · 24/09/2018 15:40

It must be really tough for you too OP, I hope you have some RL support for yourself as well. I think your instincts are spot on and that getting it all out into the open with her parents (who are probably just as worried as you are) will help both of them.

Original poster

Sassielassie · 24/09/2018 15:42

The police called me to say he had a solicitor and i informed them he was in the middle of a MH crisis and was suicide risk. They said they knew and a Dr was in with him. I dont know who his solicitor is but um going to go to court in morning to try and find out and talk to them to make sure they are aware.

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 24/09/2018 15:46

I’m glad they had a doctor with him, that means they took it seriously and got him some support. Is he up in court tomorrow?

MyCatIsBonkers · 24/09/2018 15:47

If she has MH problems too you might find her parents unwilling to block him from staying. They may see him staying as a way of keeping her closer. They may worry about what she'll do if he isn't allowed to stay.

Original poster

Sassielassie · 24/09/2018 15:53

Yes. Dont know when though. Think i might have to just wait all day. My one fear is that they release him and he refuses to come home. I know this is a terrible thing to say about your own child but im at the point where i wish they would section him because then i would know he was safe. He has changed so much in such a short time. Its like a different person with glimpses of the old one occassionally. I hardly sleep. Im ashamed to say i slept soundly last night because i knew he couldnt harm himself where he was. I feel like the worst mother ever.

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 24/09/2018 15:56

You’re not the worst mother ever, you’re doing the best you can in a really tough situation

Original poster

Sassielassie · 24/09/2018 15:56

Thanku

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 24/09/2018 16:00

for you Sassie

Original poster

Sassielassie · 24/09/2018 16:04

@mycatisbonkers yeah i had also thought of that issue so im prepared to tread gently. I myself swing from thinking his GF and him are toxic to they are the only people they can truly speak to. I dont know whats for the best.

OP posts:

oohyoudevilyou · 24/09/2018 16:12

Ordinarily I'd leave a couple of 20 year olds to sort things out for themselves, but given the MH issues with them both, and something (possibly involving violence or out of control behaviour) that means your DS has been charged by police, I think you do need to talk to the girl's parents. They both need individual support from their own families and health professionals and both sets of parents need to know the plan of action and what's going on.

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