At the end of my tether, and no-one to help (tmi alert)

[IKnowIAmIAm]

I have no-one else to turn to and I don’t know what to do. Prepared to be completely flamed for this and told to get a grip because I probably need to.

I have a 3 year old with SN.

She poo smears and I cannot do anything about it.

In one breathe I am so glad she is comfortable enough with me to show me this behaviour. But then in another breathe I can’t cope.

At Nursery, at appointments even at her dads house she's so good. Her freaking dad boasts about how good she is and how I obviously over exaggerate her SN because she’s ever so good for him and never puts a foot wrong.

And yet here I am throwing toys out because I can’t be bothered to wash them again.

Here paeds has told me it’s because she wants a bath as she loves water – I bath her every day, do water play on days she’s not at Nursery and Nursery do water play 2x a week (she’s in 3 days so usually gets it at least once a week). We play with playdoh (she’s started molding the pooh boak), we go on walks, we read, we do her physio and SAL exercises. She has free play when I cook or clean or use the toilet not that she likes it. I tried not giving her a bath after smearing and just wiping her down with wipes but she just got worse until it got toi the point I had no choice but to bath her.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried putting her in cycling shorts but she got into them, I tried a swimming costume and leotard both separately and together, she got into them. I’ve tried not bathing her as said above. I was told to make her help me clean up but she enjoyed cleaning so much that it made the situation worse again.

I am out of ideas. I am worn down. I don’t know how to fix this.

I am sick of washing sheets and clothes and toys. She also eats it which scares the hell out of me.

There is a pattern to it. It’s after a new member of staff starts at Nursery (which is fairly rare they have low staff turnover), or after contact with her dad or just because she wants to – sometimes we go weeks without anything with her routine being fine and she does it just because.

I am done.

I am so ready to call my Social Worker and say I can’t cope. She says I’m doing fine and DD is brilliantly behaved, she’s never seen her tantrum or be “naughty” as she put it.

I can’ this. I shouted so loud at her this morning that the cat ran into another room - I don't shout, I don't get angry, ever.

Oh, OP, (((()))) hugs to you. You’re very good mum( you might not realize this).

We went through this phrase with our ASD DS. He even managed to get through vests and tights to get to his poo. He used to fish out poo bits and line them on the table/sofa/windowsill.

Some kids play some family members because... I don’t know, was given lots of explanations from SW, HV,HCP and the other parents.

I presume ( correct me if I’m wrong) that you’re not with your child’s father. He could be boasting(ignore) or your DD plays you up.

DS is still playing me up, DH didn’t believe me when I described daily constant battles to get DS fed, dressed and so on. Brushing his teeth was like fighting the crocodile(he’s very strong).

Hang in there, SN is shit. PM if you want to offload or ask anything

💐💐💐

The all in one company. Brilliant sleep suits. You can have them made to your measurements. Zip at the back, attached feet, attached mittens, hoods etc. Range of fabrics too. Great friendly company. My SEN DS is now 20 and still using them. They have been a godsend cos he used to put his hands in it. I'd go into his bedroom in the morning and it would be everywhere!! His hair, his mouth, under his nails. Yukk. But these changed everything. Hang on in there.

I have a child with autism and sever learning difficulties. The smearing almost broke me, I had many very low moments while scrubbing shit of walls!
I hasn't happened for a few years now thankfully, these things do pass.
I can laugh now at the time I could smell poo but couldn't find it, DC also liked to hide it. I hunted everywhere before spotting a turd sitting proudly between my ornaments on the mantelpiece!!!

Sorry OP no advice as I've no experience but others have what sounds like really great advice. I just didn't want to read and run.

Honestly you sound like an amazing mum. I'm in awe at your patience! Seriously take a deep breath and let some of that pride wash over you you've more than earnt the right.

I really hope little one grows or learns a way out of it soon for your sake!! Good luck!

I promise you this does pass. My dd use to do it everywhere and literally had to re toilet train her it took a good few months and I was the end of my tether to but it does pass. To this day I never knew why she did it. But with lots of coxing and telling her not to do it and it's very dirty it stopped and with toilet training again. She was 5 when she did this. She is now 18

Shouting hasn't helped.

Left her for 2 seconds to make a phonecall and my dining table is covered in it , not envy.

I've literally just been sick. She finds it hilarious of course

DS1 did this, he's an adult now and probably is autistic. He used to go in his room, shit and smear it all over the window. I was exhausted. He also has cystic fibrosis, so he wasn't toilet trained until he was diagnosed at 5 because he couldn't feel it. Although he must've been able to feel it if he was going into his room to do it.

Sending hugs and OP. Sounds like you've got some sound advice here. Glad you've contacted your SW, I hope they can help you breathe x

This sounds so tough for you x I hope it improves. Some good advice above

Do you think you could stop bathing her and just shower and reward with a bath? But then that might not outweigh her need to do it as a way of self regulating I guess.

It sounds so hard.

I don't have a shower only a bath. Haven't got room for a shower as I only have a 4ft bath

I really feel for you. My DS did this once and it was truly horrific. All the carpet, walks, bedsheets toys, covered. He was cross with me and it was an attention bathing so I very calmly hosed him down and then completely ignored all attempts to get a reaction as I cleaned it up, disinfected and changed the bed etc. No eye contact, no talking, no telling him off, nothing. Then I went downstairs and poured myself a stiff drink ( and washed my hands lots). He never did it again. I'm not suggesting that your dd is doing it for a reaction but maybe the less of a big deal made of it to her the better. I completely this g involving SW is the right thing to do as it's happening often though. Just wanted to say you're doing amazing

I've seen cycling bib shorts used in the past, only thing is not sure if they come small enough to be of use to you.

Ds does this sometimes, he wears a vest m & s do bigger ones, I also have a video baby monitor (amazon) it links to an app on my phone so I can see what he's doing and stop him before he can smear it is a PITA but better than cleaning poo of everything.

Would it help to take photographs every time she does it, to show your ex, and your HV? Just to use as proof.

I was on a course about autism and the tutor suggested smearing being allowed on bathroom tiles with a reducing size of smearing area. It's to do with sensory issues and the texture/feeling of it being soothing. He suggested a visual timetable for the smearing, so it was accessible for the child and controllable for the parent. He didn't mention how to keep the poo accessible for smearing time... The reason I'm suggesting this is my autistic son has become very entrenched in not wiping his butt and we literally can't make him do it as we are not allowing it at all and it's been like this for four years.
I wonder if a thick flour and water mixture might have the same texture properties as poo, therefore providing the desired sensory experience.

If she's autistic she probably doesn't understand that your tone of voice and facial expression means angry. She will feel happy as she has been able to complete her soothing activity of smearing. Ring The National Autistic Society's helpline. The queue is long, but the advice is good.

Can you get shower attachment for over the bath?

Oh poo(r) you OP. I had forgotten this horrific stage of dealing with an SN shit painter. I remember scrubbing, retching and trying not to piss myself to add to the general effluvia. My DS had a very special trick of smearing himself and trying very hard to fling his naked, shit painted self out of upstairs windows. Shitty teddies had of course preceeded him and were all over the front garden and pavement. Luckily the neighbours were sweet and would phone me warning me shit Houdini was at it again.

I chucked his carpet, sugar soaped the walls and did no decorating until I was sure it had passed, it did and we have all recovered.

I took him back into my bed and just never let him out of my sight until he forgot. I didn't mention the poo, just cleaned it in silence without speaking.

Is she at an SN nursery? Can you up the hours? Be breezy with your ex if he doesn't believe you then save your energy.

If you are on a low income Family Fund can help with grants for washing machine, tumble dryer, dishwasher and special clothing.

One day, like me, you will have forgotten this stage. It's very, very hard and so much more horrible than baby shit.

Remember to your DD this is a fabulous game and the less reaction it gets the better. I remember Shit Houdini being exceptionally cheery about his artwork.

Try to clean the shit when she is out and when you have to bath the shit off her make it a silent, tepid unfun bath with no toys, just functional. I would also lock away the toys and only play with them together. It's very hard but velcroing Poo Picasso to you for a while is preferable to cleaning poo. She might forget if you never mention it.

Hi op
I wonder if you are on Facebook and would like to join the support groups there? I'm in one called ADHD/ASD UK Community Support as I have a child with complex needs and it's great for advice and reading other peoples experiences.
Good luck.

I've done the bath in silence but she loves water so doesn't care if it's done silently. Her Nursery often catch her filling a sink in the toilets with water and then splashing it all over herself, she finds water hilarious. Even when I've showered her at my mums instead she's sat there loving it. She literally loves water, in whatever form it's in.

She's in a private Nursery not specifically for SN as she didn't meet the criteria for the SN nursery/school.

Another website with clothing that might help

specialkids.company/collections/zip-back/products/kaycey-secret-zip-back-jumpsuits

Sometimes there are council run nurseries for people who are struggling ie DV etc rather than SN. I know this isn't you specifically but there may be more leeway with hours.