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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

exposing kids to illness WIBU?

29 replies

beclev24 · 24/09/2018 04:43

Genuinely can't tell if I'm being totally overprotective/ precious here or whether my friend was.

DD was supposed to have a playdate at the park with a school friend today. For background, we know the parents pretty well, our kids are in the same class, the other girl has been struggling to make friends at school and having a hard time and the mother has been very heavily pushing for a playdate with DD.

in the morning we were texting about arrangements, she mentions that her DH is ill in bed. Then she texts to say that her DD has a low fever, likely the same thing has her DH but will "probably rally" for the afternoon. I texted back to say that if her DD was ill, I would rather reschedule as my DH is away all next week, I have 3 kids including a baby, we have just got through one bout of illness that has gone through the whole family and I really couldn't face coping with another bout of illness so soon afterwards, plus my mum is staying, she is elderly and prone to chest infections so I would rather not take the risk. I apologised profusely for disappointing her DD and said we would do the playdate next Saturday. She then texted me three more times saying that her DD was actually fine, that they would have more contact with each other at school so it was pointless to cancel/ that her DD would be incredilby disappointed etc etc. I kept saying, I'm sorry, I would rather reschedule and started to get annoyed with what I saw as guilt mongering and pressurising. In the end she sent me a really snotty text saying that her DD was very very disappointed and upset, and it was really wrong of me to cancel etc.

I feel quite put out by this. I admit that I am quite overly cautious about illness, but it is just so incredibly disruptive even when they all get a bad cold with a temperature. The baby stops sleeping, they all end up missing school/ I have to take time off work etc etc. WIBU not to want this or should I have just accepted it as a normal part of childhood and stepped up so as not to disappoint her DD who is feeling upset and isolated at school?

OP posts:

TwiceAsNice22 · 24/09/2018 05:17

I am like you, but since having kids I have realised that there are a lot of people like your friend. It really boggles my mind since no one likes being sick and who in their right mind wouldn’t avoid getting sick if they could?

I also think it’s selfish. There are a lot of things that my children have not gone to because we were sick, it’s disappointing, but not fair to knowingly infect everyone else.

I can still remember one play date when my dt’s were 1. The other mother informed me that her child had had gastro the day before. My children ended up in hospital that night! And it put them off food for weeks (they already had a lot of issues with not gaining weight and couldn’t afford to lose weight). Needless to say we never had a play date with them again!

Original poster

beclev24 · 24/09/2018 05:23

twiceasnice oh god that sounds like a total nightmare! so sorry. Much worse than a cold.

It's true- people have such weirdly different attitudes to this. I really felt like she was piling on so much pressure/ guilt and implying htat I was so ridiculous for not wanting to risk it...

OP posts:

Catastic · 24/09/2018 05:27

Yanbu at all.

JustJoinedRightNow · 24/09/2018 05:36

Yanbu, let her send you texts trying to make you feel guilty. In the meantime, do NOT feel guilty and also, you don’t need to give all those excuses. Put simply, you don’t want your little ones getting sick. End of conversation.

Bumpitybumper · 24/09/2018 05:36

I think there is a weird attitude when it comes to exposing kids to illnesses where people genuinely believe it's helping to build up their immune system or because you can't control the germs your kids are exposed to completely then it makes no difference. I find it incredibly ignorant as not all children have the same capacity to fight bugs off, plus i often find that the parent's eagerness to send their kids to nursery/on the playdate is motivated by the fact their children being ill is inconvenient.

Limpshade · 24/09/2018 05:36

You might have been a little precious if a low fever was genuinely all it was, but then again to continue hounding you via text was ridiculous. Just reschedule, FFS!

People whose kids are verifiably sick and knowingly expose them to other kids without good cause is one of my bugbears. A couple we know fairly well sent their son into DD1's nursery class having been in hospital THE DAY BEFORE with a gastric bug. We only discovered this when DD1 came down with the same bug just two days later, then gave it to me and DH. DD2 was just 4wo and I lost my milk supply virtually overnight - it ended BFing for us because after having to go to bottles while I pumped to get my supply back, she found she preferred them and never went back to the breast again! I see that couple all the time and have to bite my tongue - I am really, really resentful I had to stop BFing what will be my last child so soon because they couldn't be arsed to organise childcare.

Don't give it any headspace - you said no and she needs to get over it!

GoldenMcOldie · 24/09/2018 05:38

Yanbu.

A friend brought her heavily congested child over for a play when my DD was 5 weeks old. My DD was born 5 weeks early.

She ended up with RSV Bronchiolitis related respiratory failure. We had a 5 week stay in ICU/HDU and it was touch and go for a while.

I do not subscribe to the sharing of illnesses.

macdhui · 24/09/2018 05:38

YANBU - I’m a nurse, very laid back about most things and I’m totally with you. Surely she can manage the disappointment of a small child fairly easily.

Original poster

beclev24 · 24/09/2018 05:40

limpshade that’s such a sad story.

She did say it was a low fever but the fact that it was the same thing her Dh was in bed with made me think that it might be worse than that. I know that I am on the more precious end of the spectrum though.

OP posts:

Biochemystery · 24/09/2018 05:45

Totally with you on this one. And you should text back that if her DD has a fever she shouldn't be in school!
I hate it when parents do this, also at after school activities. I always let the other parents know if my child is under the weather and ask if they want to reschedule. If I know it's likely to be a bug then I cancel and reschedule. It's clearly not a lot of people's default but everyone I know does it for me now too

Original poster

beclev24 · 24/09/2018 05:49

Thanks for the replies. Some awful stories of serious illness from this type of thing. If I’m honest though I wasn’t worried about serious illness, just more the massive e unpleasantness/inconvenience of even very normal illness is something I’d rather avoid if I can!

OP posts:

BlueBug45 · 24/09/2018 06:00

Your "friend" is mad.

If a member of your household is knowingly sick with something, and someone else is showing the beginning signs of what could be the same illness you keep them away from other people especially babies and old people who are known to have defective immune systems.

It doesn't build immunity of a vunerable person to give them a virus or a bacterial infection.

Anoushkasays · 24/09/2018 06:03

You are really not being unreasonable. Children aside, you have your elderly mother staying who would be extremely vulnerable to any pathogens.
I dont know if this 'friend' has just the one child, but having germs rampant in a larger family is a complete nightmare. The fact you are being guilted further (the 'DD is having trouble making friends so being pushed for playdate' speaks volumes). It is not your job to socialise her child. It is despicable behaviour for her to use her child to make you feel guilty. She could quite easily explain that illlness has postponed the playdate to her child. This is a horrible example of manipulation on her part. Well done for sticking to your guns and not caving. In a similar situation, I was not so strong, and there were consequences.

TwiceAsNice22 · 24/09/2018 06:05

I agree, you don’t need to over explain. She was wrong to pressure you. I would personally not be in a rush to rebook the play date because of her hounding you. It’s rude. And even if she thought you were being unreasonable, it’s your decision as to whether you want to risk getting sick. And the fact she mentioned that her dd was sick, probably shows that she knew she shouldn’t just show up at the play date without warning you.

ViserionTheDragon · 24/09/2018 06:14

YANBU. I wouldn't arrange a playdate with her ever again given her attitude, tbh.

Bobbiepin · 24/09/2018 06:18

I'm usually of the belief that kids will get sick and normally healthy kids don't need pandering to (obv prem babies/those with disabilities/elderly/pregnant etc are different) but I don't agree with intentionally exposing your kids to something that's taken out an adult. A case of the sniffles (with no fever) and I would say YABU. Yes it's inconvenient for your kids to be ill but that's not the point, you are safeguarding your kids and that's all that matters.

klondike555 · 24/09/2018 06:27

YANBU

mediumbrownmug · 24/09/2018 07:01

Wow. If this is how she usually behaves, she's not setting up her poor DD to be welcomed into many homes or make many friends. You simply can't send a child with a fever to a playdate with another child, especially one with an infant sibling. And you CERTAINLY don't guilt the other mother, use emotional manipulation to pressure them, and then tell them off for not doing what you want them to do.

YANBU. I have been immunosuppressed and I view germs the same way as you do. It's incredibly rude to assume that "ordinary" germs aren't dangerous to other people in a way they may not be for you, anyway. I would not be rescheduling with this family.

BingerGeer · 24/09/2018 07:11

She shouldn’t have hounded you, that was very rude.

But I wouldn’t worry about hosting a slightly ill child. I tend to think that if there’s something going around school or nursery we’re all likely to get it anyway. I might make a different decision with a new baby or an elderly relative staying, depending on their health and circumstances.

ems137 · 24/09/2018 07:14

I would be mortified if I'd passed on an illness from my family to my friends children, even if we'd done our best to prevent it.

Fatted · 24/09/2018 07:17

Her behaviour was rude regardless.

I'm not too bothered about illness now. They are exposed to all manner of horrible stuff at school. But when my DC were babies I was.

If I have something arranged and the boys are ill, but think they're up to it, I generally ring ahead and ask if they are OK to go or not.

MigGril · 24/09/2018 07:25

Hang on so her child was ill enough to be off school, bit she though a play date after was still ok?

I don't get some people in this house if you can't go to school then that's it you don't do anything else that day either. Also I do believe your not supposed to take them out unless it's to the doctors.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 24/09/2018 07:26

I think if it's a cold then just carry on - they're everywhere and impossible to avoid. But anything else including fever, I'd avoid. I've had family stay before with a kid with a very mild fever for a couple of days which resulted in a really high fever that was impossible to control in mine - lasted 10 days, she wouldn't eat, and we almost missed a close family members milestone birthday event which would have really upset them (was very small scale). Family were visiting from overseas so don't think we would have rearranged as wouldn't have been possible. But they weren't careful. Point in what's a low grade fever in one person can really affect another

BarbarianMum · 24/09/2018 07:38

Im not too bothered about colds - unless I've got a newborn - but anything else, just no. YANBU.

Jent13c · 24/09/2018 07:46

I was out for dinner this weekend to a Harvester type place with a play area. There was a little boy there with very obvious chicken pox (not crusted over). What is wrong with some parents?

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