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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cant go to friends destination wedding

33 replies

ChocolateToffee · 24/09/2018 01:57

So a bit of back story-
This girl (T) and I were friends from 1st grade till a few years after high school, so we were quite close. She got a girlfriend and started not talking to me for some reason. She likes to spend all her time with her girlfriend- ok fair enough. This apparently also means she doesnt want to talk to me because she wouldn't ever answer my calls or rarely respond to my texts

One day out of the blue she asks me to catch up and to bring my camera so I go to her place and she wants me to take photos of her proposing to her girlfriend. I take the photos and it's all lovely- then I dont hear from her for a year, in fact once I saw her walking in the shops so I called her phone and she looked at her phone and then ignored my call Shock. After that I didnt bother forcing my friendship if she didnt want it.

It's now been about 1.5 years after that and I get a message from her. Shes getting married on an island and wants me and DH to come. She also wants me to be her MOH Hmm. We had a look at the island and it's a luxary resort and we will have to spend quite a bit of cash on flights, cash we are trying to save for a new house. I messaged her and told her we are really sorry and wont be able to make it but if theres anything I can do to help I will. She read the message but didnt reply and I heard from someone else that shes really annoyed that her "best friend" isnt going to the wedding.

Who is BU? I feel a bit bad about not going and if it was closer I would go but I'm not prepared to shell out over five thousand for someone I didnt think was a friend

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 24/09/2018 01:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2018 02:02

She's the one who chose to have an expensive destination wedding. Never EVER apologize for not wanting to spend your own money for something as frivolous as this, and whether or not you can afford it is irrelevant. Cheeky fucker. Find better friends.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 24/09/2018 02:10

I'd guess you weren't her first choice. She's a crap friend and you won't be the only person she's used. She's probably struggling to get people to attend her destination wedding. Don't give her a second thought.

KingIrving · 24/09/2018 02:10

Are you a photographer by any chance or photography is one of your hobby. Maybe she was after a free photographer at her wedding.

Original poster
ChocolateToffee · 24/09/2018 02:14

Definitely not a photographer, I mean I can take photos but I cant guarentee they'll be any good Grin

I've got some good friends now, one of which has been stung by this girl too. She laughed when she read the message. It's as if she thought we were still really good friends catching up often

Thanks for your input, I dont feel bad now

OP posts:
ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 24/09/2018 02:26

Easy way to sort this = do what T did when you phoned her - look at the screen, see who it's from and ignore Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/09/2018 02:39

She obviously has a very different idea of what a good friendship means!

I do have friends who I may not see for a couple of years at a time, but I would still invite them to my wedding (and did, in fact). But they were people with whom I stayed in touch in other ways, and mine wasn't a destination wedding that would have cost them an arm and a leg!

YANBU to say no. If you feel like it, you might decide to write her a letter explaining why you don't really feel like her "best friend" - it may achieve nothing but it might enlighten her as to how her behaviour is perceived by people around her. But of course you don't have to.

maras2 · 24/09/2018 02:45

MOH?
Hmm That'd be Mug of Honour
Just say no (or get lost you freeloading auld wagon) as the mood takes you.
There definitely has to be filthy lucre involved so stay here and toast CF and wife with Gin Wine Gin Wine from the offie and Cake from Aldi for a fraction of the 'dream wedding' Envy vom.

Original poster
ChocolateToffee · 24/09/2018 02:53

ThumbWitches that's a good idea, however I dont think I can be arsed. I asked her if I have upset her or done anything to hurt our friendship in the past and she hasnt replied.

Another of my friends and I can go months without seeing each other due to work but we still manage to talk via messaging when we are free.

Maras, funny enough "dream" is in the name of the island lol. You're right I would be a mug if I go.

OP posts:
DamsonGin · 24/09/2018 03:07

I bet she'd have asked you to take your camera if you had said yes. She's not with a moment of your time.

Original poster
ChocolateToffee · 24/09/2018 03:17

Any advice what to say if she responds to my message? She will have a "poor me" attitude and play the victim

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 24/09/2018 03:25

Advice from me is to wish her a wonderful life and tell her you will always remember the good times, all those years ago.

Jlynhope · 24/09/2018 03:36

Honestly she sounds like she isn't even a friend. I would be honest that it is too expensive and even tell her that you never hear from her so you were surprised to even be invited. I would cut your losses with that one.

BedtimeTea · 24/09/2018 03:38

Not much left to say, it is not in the budget plain and simple. Why don't people get married where they live, and just go off to their dream island for their honeymoon?

LellyMcKelly · 24/09/2018 03:52

I think most people who choose to have a destination wedding understand that many of their friends and family won’t be able to come because they’re expensive and involve taking a chunk of annual leave. It’s the choice they make, and you shouldn’t feel bad.

itwaseverthus · 24/09/2018 04:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

musicalxo · 24/09/2018 04:08

Nah YANBU. It doesn't sound like you two were even that close anymore. Maybe she doesn't have any other friends?

TheObwaldhutte · 24/09/2018 04:22

I wouldn't even have replied to her text.

Original poster
ChocolateToffee · 24/09/2018 04:41

Itwaseverthus are you ok? Or did you forget your meds? Very paranoid

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 24/09/2018 05:30

I suspect itwaseverthus is replying to a different thread...

I second writing mathanxiety’s response to your once-friend. It’s very positive and clear at the same time.

StealthPolarBear · 24/09/2018 05:41

She's not a friend. Don't get into replying why would you?

FittonTower · 24/09/2018 06:07

I didn't go to one of my best friends' weddings - i see her a couple of times a week and talk daily. It was abroad but Europe so it wouldn't even have been that expensive. But i had a young baby and i was getting to the end of maternity leave so living off savings and i didn't fancy a hotel and flight and party etc with a 10 month old who never slept.
My friend completely understood. Because she is my friend.

Twotailed · 24/09/2018 06:18

YANBU - she has no right to expect this from you. She used you before when she wanted your photography skills then dropped you when it suited her. I don’t think there is the smallest obligation for you to attend! If a couple have a destination wedding they have to be prepared for anyone, no matter how close the relationship, to refuse to attend.

SLoisachtal · 24/09/2018 07:00

She completely dropped you when she met her, now, fiancee. You were only useful to her to take photos on the day they got engaged. She's ignored you since then and is now pissed off you've declined her wedding invitation.

Frankly, I wouldn't be going to the wedding if it's in the same town where you both live, let alone spend a shed load of money on a luxury destination wedding. Don't feel bad about not going.

duchessofsussedsex · 24/09/2018 07:11

I had a housemate once who had a similar issue - one day his best friend just wouldn't speak to him at all for no discernible reason. We never did know what the problem was. He just refused point blank to speak to him. One year later the friend announced his engagement personally to everyone except my housemate. He was very upset. 6 months later the friend called his out of the blue to ask him to be his best man!! He never explained why he had cut contact or why it had taken so long to get in touch and when asked just said "it's all in the past". Housemate was a total mug and agreed to do it but it was so bizarre!

I don't think YABU at all. The sheer cost alone means you aren't being unreasonable to decline but when you add the lack of actual friendship from her I think she's being very cheeky to ask you to be MOH.

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