Argument with sister

[LOULOU270630]

Hi, I'm new, but I'm sat here wide awake as I've had an argument with my sister today and I'm going over it in my head. I thought having a rant might do me some good....
I invited my sister, her husband and my nephew round for a roast today, she's always late so I often make a habit of saying at least half an hour earlier than the time I actually want her here, to be sure she arrives at a decent time. Today I said 4.30, we were at a children's party which finished at 4.30, but we were only 2 mins from my house so I knew if she did arrive on time we could get home quickly. I did tell her we'd be at a party so she knew if we weren't there... Anyway, today she turned up 15 minutes early... smh! She's ringing and ringing, but since I'm at a children's party I didn't get the calls, but ring back as soon as I see them. She's livid! I apologise and say I'm rounding my 3 kids up and we won't be long. She's ranting on and on about having to wait and why did I even invite them if we weren't going to be in... So I calmly said that we won't be long, and you know, there have been plenty of times that I've been kept waiting for her in the past and even times that's she's said she's coming and not even turned up, no phone call or anything.... She hung up... And went home. So began the text messages.... She has never been late (even though its known in the family and among friends that she's always late) and if she's not coming she always let's me know 😏... She asked me to give her examples and when I did she said she couldn't even read my response because it was all b**ks. I didn't even mention the number of times she's failed to come on my kids birthdays without letting me know, (like in August my sons birthday, night before video chat, organise everything, she'll come to us early doors and we'll all go in my car to the seaside for the day, morning of sons birthday, 10am she's not there, I text, where is she? No reply for half an hour, her and nephew slept in, she didn't know what the plan was??? Wtf! I said we want to set off because birthday boy was excited... She says can I go pick her up? No, 20 minutes in opposite direction, kids want to go to beach and if we end up going to get her we'll end up waiting at least an hour for her to get ready and probably end up not going at all...) there are the times I've seen her posting pictures of her and her friends at someone's house having dinner when her dinner is sat at my house stone cold because she's not bothered to let me know she's not coming.... But what's the point in even saying all of this, like I said to her, she must have memory loss if I have to remind her of these times, she can kick off in this way for me being late this once but if I even mention to her that she's let me down I'm the biggest b**h in the whole damn town! The only reason she doesn't recall is probably because I just let her get on with it, I don't cause arguments about it, I know it's just what she's like. She's let me down so much but I always let it slide, I never say anything to her because this is typically the reaction I'd get but the moment I put one toe our of line it's fine for her to get angry and I feel like I'm awful... She waited 20 minutes before leaving, we arrived home at 4.35... I don't know what response I'm looking for, I just really needed to rant, tell me what you think....

You shouldn't have told her time if you weren't going to be home...yes she was late in the past but she wasn't today and I think anybody would be a bit put out to be invited somewhere, find they aren't home and you are stood outside phoning them and no answer...

Bringing up her past lateness to score cheap shots has nothing to do with today, she obviously made an effort to get to your house on time, I think k if I was you I would give her an apology for inviting her and not being there, after all her, her husband and their child were left outside while you were at a party, you can see why she would feel angry,

I completely disagree with loveagoodchat your sister sounds like she likes things on her own terms and everything has to revolve around her. Sounds like you should have been more confrontational sooner. You've done nothing wrong, you were five mins late which is hardly a big deal and the story you told about your sons birthday is despicable. In all honesty I would stop inviting her round and having her as part of your family celebrations, it sounds like she ruins them.

You’re right, she’s wrong, and it’s about time you got all this off your chest.

It’s horrible to have these arguments, I know, but she needed telling.

I didnt bring up any of the past things to her as a cheap shot, loveagoodchat... I said I didn't give her details of the times she's left me hanging, as there was no point. As I said, I'd told her we would be at a party and if we weren't home we would only be 5 mins, she arrived earlier than expected and got mad that we weren't there... I did apologise but in her usual hot headedness she hung up on me... This is once I've kept her waiting, in contrast to almost every time we meet, she's late or doesn't show....

Garethsouthgatesmrs and heddagarbled thank you for your advice, does feel good to get it off my chest on here... Still can't sleep like 😔 I know that even if I did say all of this to her, it would be a bigger argument and I hate arguing and confrontation which is why I never say anything.... 😣😣😣

I can't stand people like this. They expect to treat people however they want but get hurt when it's done to them.
She will need you before you need her.
Let her have her strop and let her make contact when she is ready

Is she normally this angry? It is not usual for someone to get this upset over something so small. I have Calle day at friends houses in the passed and they have t been home late - no big deal text and wait in the car. She was early!!

All time on this very silly argument (that only sisters could ever have!) and ask her what’s up

She's gaslighting you. No matter what you say she will turn it around to be about something or someone else. Just don't engage. You don't have to put up with it.
Having said that I know how hard it is when you want a relationship with your family and they aren't interested.

She sounds like an arse and I wouldn't have any patience for her dramatics.

Blimey she sounds like a proper entitled and spoilt princess. 5 minutes waiting is nothing, and you’d said where you would be, any reasonable person would expect a little give and take on the timings. YADNBU OP and she IBVVVU.

Both my mother and my sister are chronically late.

With my sister I let it go, with my mother I dont. Why? Because my sister owns it. She acceps that it fucks people off and apologises profusely, she is much better than she used to be but time seems to run away with her. She couldnt be less bothered if I am late for her (almost never!) as she says its only fair that she is kept waiting for a change. My mother is like your sister, she gets angry, blames everyone else and flies completely off the handle if you call her on it. And God forbid you every be late for her, she goes completely fucking nuts. I now never make concrete plans with Ma, which she hates but I make no apologies for it.

My siser was so proud ha she was on ime for my wedding ha i made i ino my dads speech :o

Sorry...broken T key on my laptop! Should read....

My sister was so proud that she was on time for my wedding that it made it into my dads speech :o

Ok have a similar situation in my family where if we need to be somewhere on time we knock 30mins off. however she is fully aware of her habit of being late and it’s more her DH fault not her.

You invited someone to your house and when they arrived you weren’t there admittedly they were early but you still wasn’t there at the time you arranged. So “I’m really sorry time got away from me” would be an appropriate response from you. However as you were all of 5 mins late she seems to have over reacted.

If you’ve never challenged your sis over her tardiness before then she will see this as being acceptable behaviour for her (not you) as apparently it doesn’t annoy anyone.

Up to you how you handle it going forward personally if she was really as rude/over reacted as badly as implied I wouldn’t response or contact her until she apologised. If she’s ditched you for a better offer a number of times I would probably stop inviting her 1 on 1 to do stuff as letting you down at the last minute means you miss out, instead invite her along as a group thing meeting at the venue/location that way if she’s late/doesn’t show you don’t miss out.

She sounds really self centred and difficult, and her behaviour today was wildly defensive and unreasonable. Whatever she tells you, she knows he behaviour has been bad in the past and she just doesn’t want to address it.

I know what it’s like to have family members who behave badly but you can’t confront them because it would lead to a nuclear fall our that you aren’t prepared to go through. I know what it’s like to swallow the hurt and anger because you know that to defend yourself would be to escalate things. Some people go through life with their finger on the nuclear button, willing to trigger it as soon as they’re challenged, relying on everyone else managing and de-escalating conflict for them. It’s incredibly hard, and wearying.

Other PPs may tell you to confront her, and it is absolutely your choice if you do or not. But don’t feel bad if you choose not to, because you don’t want a huge family fall out.

My advice isn’t bold but it helps me: you can move on and feel better if you learn to accept the apology you never receive. It puts the power back in your hands if, despite the other person’s behaviour, you can move on as though they have repented and you have accepted it. In addition, if you want and are able to disengage a bit so that she has fewer opportunities to let you down, you might feel more insulated against her.

Stop pandering to her, she’s out of order and it sounds like everyone accepts her bad behaviour. I hate people being late, which is bad, but just not showing up too is really rude. Ignore her, keep some distance fir a while.

She’s turned up 15 minutes early and had a go at you for not being there?!? Yes she’s Gaslighting you.

Ok you were 5 minutes late past your agreed time, but if your own sister can’t give you a 5 minute leeway, that’s ridiculous!

Don’t Apologise and if she tries to engage, just say ‘you were 15minutes early, of course you had to wait’

Thank you for your responses everyone, I've taken everything in and you've been really helpful, very much appreciated. I think I will take a step back, getting wound up and confronting her would 100% cause an almighty fall out. As you say twotailed she does have a finger over that nuclear button at all times and there's never any knowing when she will press it. I acknowledged that time had got away from us yesterday, and I did try and apologise for that when I called but she was already too angry with me and I don't know if she'd already hung up when I was trying to explain... It seems impossible to ever explain anything to her when she gets herself so annoyed...
Anyways... Thank you so much for your help everyone 🙂

YANBU, it's often the people with no respect for other people's time that kick off the most when made to wait

Another one who disagrees with Loveagoodchat (is she your sister perhaps?).

Your sister sounds horrible. Her meltdown is just a sign that only her time matters and no-one elses. Hence, she can be as late as she likes or even not turn up, but if someone keeps her standing for 2 minutes, it’s a declaration of war.

Don’t feed the crazy! 💐

Do you think she deliberately got there early as she knew you wouldn't be home?

You had told her you were going to a party after all.

She is the unreasonable one. My mum is chronically late and it's just something we have to accept. I have become rather Zen about it.

YANBU OP.

You arrived five minutes later than you arranged for her to come round.

I hate lateness as a rule but five minutes is acceptable and this sounds very hypocritical of your sister if the examples of her lateness you have given are true.

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

What has the OP done wrong? Being five minutes late?

Sling her in jail!

I do think that it was rude to tell her a time when you wouldn't be there.

Is she usually late when it's just her?

Has she kicked off because it also affected her husband this time?

Did she know that you wouldn't be there?

I'm surprised that you've put up with it for so long though-she has no respect for you does she?

I would see far less of her in future.