Argument with sister

[LOULOU270630]

Hi, I'm new, but I'm sat here wide awake as I've had an argument with my sister today and I'm going over it in my head. I thought having a rant might do me some good....
I invited my sister, her husband and my nephew round for a roast today, she's always late so I often make a habit of saying at least half an hour earlier than the time I actually want her here, to be sure she arrives at a decent time. Today I said 4.30, we were at a children's party which finished at 4.30, but we were only 2 mins from my house so I knew if she did arrive on time we could get home quickly. I did tell her we'd be at a party so she knew if we weren't there... Anyway, today she turned up 15 minutes early... smh! She's ringing and ringing, but since I'm at a children's party I didn't get the calls, but ring back as soon as I see them. She's livid! I apologise and say I'm rounding my 3 kids up and we won't be long. She's ranting on and on about having to wait and why did I even invite them if we weren't going to be in... So I calmly said that we won't be long, and you know, there have been plenty of times that I've been kept waiting for her in the past and even times that's she's said she's coming and not even turned up, no phone call or anything.... She hung up... And went home. So began the text messages.... She has never been late (even though its known in the family and among friends that she's always late) and if she's not coming she always let's me know 😏... She asked me to give her examples and when I did she said she couldn't even read my response because it was all b**ks. I didn't even mention the number of times she's failed to come on my kids birthdays without letting me know, (like in August my sons birthday, night before video chat, organise everything, she'll come to us early doors and we'll all go in my car to the seaside for the day, morning of sons birthday, 10am she's not there, I text, where is she? No reply for half an hour, her and nephew slept in, she didn't know what the plan was??? Wtf! I said we want to set off because birthday boy was excited... She says can I go pick her up? No, 20 minutes in opposite direction, kids want to go to beach and if we end up going to get her we'll end up waiting at least an hour for her to get ready and probably end up not going at all...) there are the times I've seen her posting pictures of her and her friends at someone's house having dinner when her dinner is sat at my house stone cold because she's not bothered to let me know she's not coming.... But what's the point in even saying all of this, like I said to her, she must have memory loss if I have to remind her of these times, she can kick off in this way for me being late this once but if I even mention to her that she's let me down I'm the biggest b**h in the whole damn town! The only reason she doesn't recall is probably because I just let her get on with it, I don't cause arguments about it, I know it's just what she's like. She's let me down so much but I always let it slide, I never say anything to her because this is typically the reaction I'd get but the moment I put one toe our of line it's fine for her to get angry and I feel like I'm awful... She waited 20 minutes before leaving, we arrived home at 4.35... I don't know what response I'm looking for, I just really needed to rant, tell me what you think....

She set you up to 'fail' op.
She knew you were at a party so arrived early on purpose. Suits her narrative that she tells herself.

Look up the drama triangle, psychological theory. Reading about this might help give some insight into the game she is playing and dragging you in to.

It boils down to this:

You were five minutes late.
You should apologise for being late - she should in turn cheerfully let it go in recognition of the fact that she is regularly late.

You don’t have to apologise that she was early. Her choice to turn up early and you did warn her that you were at a party.

We also have a family member who “goes nuclear” if called on bad behaviour.

There are two ways to deal with it:

Creep round them trying to avoid them throwing a tantrum. It doesn’t work obviously and their behaviour gets worse and worse because unchecked.

Or

Treat them as you would everyone else, expecting the same level of behaviour as you would from everyone else. Accept that this will lead to tantrums but view it as their choice rather than your responsibility.

I go with the second option. Everyone else in the family goes with the first.

Yes, some epic tantrums have been thrown but as I remain calm and unyielding in response (as you would with a toddler) the tantrum thrower never gets their own way.

As a result the tantrum thrower (not a child I might add) is far, far better behaved in my home than for everyone else.

You just have to treat her like a toddler. Be prepared to put up with fireworks for a while until they get the message.

You have my sympathies.

Diddl I understand that, but I did explain before hand that we would be at a children's party so if we weren't back we wouldn't be long, I did try to apologise for my lateness, as I get that it's frustrating to be kept waiting. She's late when it's just her, she's usually late when its her and her husband and my nephew, she'll keep them hanging around ready to leave while she's getting ready, there's really never any knowing with her.... It just so happened that this time when I kept her waiting she seemed to forget all these times and I am on the receiving end of a hissy fit... I'll know in future to keep my toes in line.... 😏

Sorry, I had read your first post, but forgotten details by the tie I posted.

It does sound daft/deliberate on her part to be there at 4.15 when she knew that you would't be leaving somewhere close by until 4.30

Unless she forgot that you were out-she seems to forget most other stuff.

I should imagine she's ost pissed off with herself.

That fact that it didn't get laughed about between sisters pretty quickly I think shows a pretty bad relationship.

It sounds like she expects you to be a doormat to and to be waiting around for hours to see if she turns up. I would follow nona's advice upthread.

Nona great advice thank you... I'm fact I'm so happy with all the responses, even the more critical ones on my part... I allow myself to be so wound up so it's been great to read these replies. Thank you. Diddl, yep it usually does get brushed off a laughed about because I don't usually rise to her temper, but I think because I called her on her behaviour, she got defensive and maybe I made this worse by doing so but there are only so many times you know? Bumpertobumper ill look it up thank you 👍 this has really helped.

She has actually text this morning asking if she can still take my daughter out on Wednesday as we'd planned, obviously I've said yes, because I'm not dragging my daughter in to any arguments... She's making a joke about the whole thing now, I'm still feeling crappy about it but we'll just have to see how things pan out... And I hope she actually turns up on Wednesday, I've made it habit now to surprise my daughter (who idolises her auntie) with her visits.... Just in case 😬

She sounds a bloody nightmare. 5 minutes late? Normal people ( especially those who themselves are often late ) would suck it up and wait.

Hopefully she will take on board how she's reacted and in future stop being so self centred. I'm glad you're letting DD still go out with her on Wednesday as it's not her fault, some people would have used this as a way of getting back at her but you've done well not to.

Hope things improve for you in future where your sister is concerned.

" but there are only so many times you know? "

Absolutely!

I have a sibling who turns stuff to my fault & can't take criticism-it's draining.

Completely off the point but if you were out where was the roast dinner?! I might have a small hissy fit if I was starving myself for the full month and found nobody home and no roast either.

Your sister is horrible and selfish.

I wouldn't have even bothered replying to the text about Wednesday. It's about time she was made to account for her disgusting behaviour. I'd have let her have it and let the chips fall where they may. She's going to continue treating you (and no doubt others) as doormats for as long as she can get away with it.

Matildathecat haha, it was in the slow cooker /steamer I'd prepared everything before hand so was all ready when we arrived home 👍