To not want a baby shower?

[AliceRR]

I have a friend at work who I’ve known about three years. She’s lovely but I do lack patience for her at times. She’s slightly younger than me but is quite “young” for her age and reminds me of a student even though she isn’t one. She is the type who is always late and breaks plans at the last minute (there is always an excuse obviously). There was also an incident with my wedding where she annoyed me. She basically brought a friend, who I’ve never met, into my suite while I was getting ready on my wedding day (happy to explain if you are interested!) I think I had less patience for her after that. I still like her and consider her almost like one of my cousins who can annoy me at times but would be there if I needed her and vice versa IYKWIM.

Anyway I probably sound horrible!

When I told her I’m having a baby she got really excited and said she wanted to throw me a baby shower. She keeps asking me for some dates.

There are two issues:

1 I’m not sure I want a shower at all. I’m slightly superstitious and some of my family are too. I don’t want gifts before the baby is born. So if we did have some kind of shower it would have to be more of a meal out or afternoon tea or pamper party but without gifts.

2 I’m not sure she is the person who should be throwing me a shower. It’s really nice of her to offer and such a lovely reaction. No one else has although maybe they would later. I don’t really know how it works or if showers are even the norm (I’m in the UK). She upset me on my wedding which was obviously a really big day and also she can be a bit unreliable. She was promising to organise all sorts for hen do (games, for one) but she did nothing. She came and she means well and I appreciate that but I can’t rely on what she says. So even if I did want some kind of meal or pamper / spa session or whatever I’m not sure she could be left to organise it.

WWYD?

I could just say I don’t want a shower and leave it at that but does that sound really ungrateful. I have already fobbed her off a bit saying it’s too early to think about it (which it kind of is). I’m 20w by the way.

Am I having deja vu or has this EXACT thread been done before?

@firstdegreehb If it has, I haven’t seen it and I just typed this one now!!

I really didn’t want one (just find them totally cringe and grabby) so just made it very clear to all my friends that I didn’t want one and no one pushed it. Just tell her if she brings it up again.

Honestly even the phrases and wording ring a bell. How bizarre.

Anyway, no don't have a baby shower if you don't want one

I made it clear I didn't want one to my friends. They arranged a spa day catch up instead for me with no baby gifts!
xx

just tell her what you said here, that while there is no such thing as luck you would like to celebrate once you and the baby are safely through the delivery.i

and if she is even thiking of party games - absolute no!

@RubertRoo I wouldn’t be averse to a spa day or something and I have a friend due a few weeks after me so would potentially do something jointly if we were to do that but just don’t think a shower is me.

@firstdegreehb You are making me wonder whether I posted this before and baby brain has got the better of me but I’m pretty sure I haven’t! 😂

If you don't want one, just say no!!

Fwiw, I went to my first shower last week. I have always loathed the very idea of them! Anyway, this one was quite nice. No ridiculous games, and people were asked to bring - if they wanted to - a raffle prize (something like box of biscuits, bottle of wine etc) and buy raffle tickets when they got there. Proceeds of the raffle went to the local children's hospital. I thought that was a nice idea.

Plenty of people also bought a present for baby. I didn't, but certainly didn't feel uncomfortable for not doing so.

Just tell her straight up - you don't want one?
I'd be the same, can't think of anything worse. Very cringey/grabby.

I'm not having one, SIL got excited about organising one, I blurted out I wouldn't be having one as it's an American tradition, I don't even enjoy going to them and especially given we only got married earlier this year and people were very generous with their time, travel and gifts, I think it would be a grabby thing to do. Before I remembered I'd been to hers... Luckily we get on pretty well and recognise we're very different people so it was just laughed about. She's double checked since though, my oldest best friend also wanted to plan one again I just said they're not for me. Lots of people don't like them, just tell her straight you won't be having one. Find out yesterday that some work colleagues are planning an afternoon tea for the week before my mat leave, we're a national team and don't get to meet up often so I think it's a bit of an excuse to do that, I told the colleague I'm closest too I'd love to meet for tea but games and presents are really not needed. Be firm.

I know what you mean, OP. I didn't want a baby shower either and I don't think it's being superstitious, just cautious.

One was organised for me without me knowing but fortunately I got obstetric cholestasis and was induced on the intended day of said baby shower!

my mum’s friend keeps going on at me about her throwing me a baby shower until i put my foot down and said absolutely not. i think it’s grabby and unnecessary. i also won’t attend baby showers for the same reason. plus this is my third so it’s not exactly a novelty anymore!

@MrsStrowman That’s a good idea. I could just say I don’t want a shower but wouldn’t mind a lunch with people from work before I got on mat leave and she can organise that is she wants

I also work on a national team so it might be an excuse for us to get together but if not I have a few people I’m close with on my office

@sunshineandshowers21 as it's not your first it would be called a baby sprinkle😆(my friend had one) name always makes me snigger

Yanbu
Every time I read a baby shower vom thread on here I thank God it wasn't a 'thing' back in the day. We received lots of lovely gifts after our babies were born for which we were so, so grateful. But the thought of expecting anything before they were born, when frankly anything could go wrong is just crazy, imo.
And recently, a colleague who I thought had more sense, held a gender reveal party. She was a high risk pregnancy due to previous miscarriages. It was butt-clenchingly grim and embarrassing for every one there. Why do people think these things are a good idea?

Where did this baby shower thing come from, and wtf does it mean.

I could just say I don’t want a shower but wouldn’t mind a lunch with people from work before I got on mat leave and she can organise that is she wants

But if you say that she might go ahead and arrange a full-blown shower anyway.

@Andylion 😂 perhaps!

Where did this baby shower thing come from, and wtf does it mean.

There's also this thing called 'Google'. I don't know if you've heard of that?

It's a new-fangled American thing. You'd probably hate it.

Yeah... I agree. I can't even really relate. Our youngest was born 11 years back and whilst people did have showers I'd only really seen them on TV. It wouldn't have even occurred to us to do it with any of our kids and the idea feels... ikky.

Your pregnancy is yours and nobody else's. A party after the birth for a Christening or naming ceremony of some kind makes sense... that is you sharing your new life with the world. Before that though... it seems... I don't know, maybe I am just old fashioned.

There are two types of baby shower, in my opinion. There is the huge shower with 20-odd guests and stupid games and then there is the 5 or so people who get together for a catch up before a baby is born because you all know you are going to be busy soon and it's good to arrange a date in advance you can all actually make and the pregnant lady is given some useful or kind gifts. The latter is lovely, the former is horrendous, especially for whoever has to host.

I was obliged to host the latter sort. It was a headache with two young children of my own who were expected by the pregnant
lady and cronies to absent themselves. We had to do special messages and name guesses for the couple to read in hospital only to have them tell you as though you were a simple idiot that of course they didnt have time to read those... Which of course you had pointed out would be the case but no one had wanted to listen...

I got harangued to have a baby shower but in the end I asked my friends to respect my wishes; a baby shower just isn’t my thing. I don’t like the commercialisation of it all. I did however go for lunch with my team (15 of us) before I went on mat leave which was lovely.

Not my thing either personally. I'd just decline her offer if you don't fancy it.

You could 2 ways:
That you absolutely don’t want one at all, and prefer to have a little get together after the baby is born (sip and see)

Or someone in your family is already organising it. When it doesn’t eventuate “oops they dropped the ball”

A group of expat “friends” here suggested they throw me one and I said no for very good reasons. I’m glad I did say no as I haven’t heard from any of them bar 3 and my baby is 18mths now! Not even a text or message when Dc arrived

I think I will tell her I don’t want one next time she raises it. She said she was going to have a think after I said I wasn’t sure about a shower and didn’t want gifts before baby is born... unless she comes up with some fabulous idea!