To not want a baby shower?

[AliceRR]

I have a friend at work who I’ve known about three years. She’s lovely but I do lack patience for her at times. She’s slightly younger than me but is quite “young” for her age and reminds me of a student even though she isn’t one. She is the type who is always late and breaks plans at the last minute (there is always an excuse obviously). There was also an incident with my wedding where she annoyed me. She basically brought a friend, who I’ve never met, into my suite while I was getting ready on my wedding day (happy to explain if you are interested!) I think I had less patience for her after that. I still like her and consider her almost like one of my cousins who can annoy me at times but would be there if I needed her and vice versa IYKWIM.

Anyway I probably sound horrible!

When I told her I’m having a baby she got really excited and said she wanted to throw me a baby shower. She keeps asking me for some dates.

There are two issues:

1 I’m not sure I want a shower at all. I’m slightly superstitious and some of my family are too. I don’t want gifts before the baby is born. So if we did have some kind of shower it would have to be more of a meal out or afternoon tea or pamper party but without gifts.

2 I’m not sure she is the person who should be throwing me a shower. It’s really nice of her to offer and such a lovely reaction. No one else has although maybe they would later. I don’t really know how it works or if showers are even the norm (I’m in the UK). She upset me on my wedding which was obviously a really big day and also she can be a bit unreliable. She was promising to organise all sorts for hen do (games, for one) but she did nothing. She came and she means well and I appreciate that but I can’t rely on what she says. So even if I did want some kind of meal or pamper / spa session or whatever I’m not sure she could be left to organise it.

WWYD?

I could just say I don’t want a shower and leave it at that but does that sound really ungrateful. I have already fobbed her off a bit saying it’s too early to think about it (which it kind of is). I’m 20w by the way.

Me and my friends have always bought little gifts for baby and new mum when one of us is expecting even without baby showers, so I don’t see them as grabby as that’s what some friends do anyway? If you don’t want one say no, or if you would prefer a meal out or something say thank you for the offer but I’m arranging a meal to celebrate and will let you know the details?

Even if I was absolutely desperate for a baby shower, I wouldn't let this particular person (dis)organise it. She'll only let you down. It'll be an absolute disaster, assuming she even comes through with it at all.

I seem to be in the minority but I love baby showers, mainly throwing them. Its so nice to get everyone together and give mum a bit of a pamper before baby arrives.
If this is a work friend could she not throw a little work shower and then if a closer friend did want to show one it wouldn't be stepping on any toes

Oh and gift wise we often do a little mummy survival jar which people can add to. Ear plugs, face mask, teabags, chocolate, cosy socks, mini candle

Watermelon
It's a horrible thing to do before baby arrives
Childbirth and pregnancy can and does go wrong. Wait until the baby's safely delivered ffs and then celebrate appropriately when the mum feels up to it.

What made her think she could do that at your wedding op? I want to know more

I’m sure we had get togethers, meals and parties before the American tradition of “ showers” reached these shores. Now, never having been to one my knowledge of them is restricted to seeing them on TV programmes. I distinctly remember in Sex and the City , Carrie discussing the issue of gift registries at baby showers.... because that doesn’t feel grabby at all! In addition everyone sits around and watches the mother open the said gifts. ( thanks Handmaids Tale for that nugget). If that’s the case then it’s all very cringy and materialistic - particularly if the couple are financially comfortable ( rather than a young couple / single parent just starting out). This is in no way the same as a person choosing to buy a gift for a friend which has always happened in the UK. You can have a nice meal OP without calling it a shower, without bespoke invitations, bunting or nappy cakes and I bet you’d still have a lot of fun.

I didn’t have one. What if something went wrong with the pregnancy?
Also, it all seems a bit grabby to me.
Just say no

YANBU. I'd rather have a pint with Nigel Farage than have a baby shower

@Blackberry10 Sorry this is long!

I met this friend at work over 3 yrs ago. We seemed to get on immediately when we met. She’s very friendly and bubbly. About year later I got married. I invited her to stay with my at the hotel where I was getting married, the night before. Or maybe she offered. She’s easy to have a round (in a nice way).

Anyway I had invited her and her boyfriend to the wedding (she’s the only person from work I invited to the whole day). I mentioned it a few days before. She said oh he can’t come as he has a stag do somewhere abroad. I thought it was odd she wouldn’t have known that before then. She just said “he’s sh*t, he’s worse than me”. She said she was bringing a female friend from uni instead. I did say something like “that’s the kind of thing you need to let me know as I’m planning tables etc”. Tbf I am quite direct with her which was maybe a hint that I wasn’t easy going about this (I’m not really easy going at all compared to her)

Anyway she stayed in my suite night before the wedding, we had drinks in hotel with other people staying there, and then in the morning Mum and my auntie and brother came to the hotel and we were getting ready there and having hair and makeup done.

Friend didn’t mention her friend but I assumed she’d meet her in the bar given I’ve never met her.

Anyway at one point I came out of my bedroom into the living area in the suite (in my wedding dress for the first time, to only my mum and aunt and brother and this friend) and this person I’ve never met was sitting there and telling me I look lovely. I felt quite intruder upon and then, when a close family friend is who is like an aunt to me came to see me, I was a bit off with her as I felt a bit harassed but it was only because of this person

Maybe I’m BU but I thought she should have asked me if she could bring her friend in. My friend was faffing around all morning (eg coming right up to the mirror while I was trying to put eyeliner on - I did my own make up) rather than getting ready and so could easily have got ready and gone and met her friend. Honestly if she’d asked me I’d have said I’d rather she wasn’t in my suite on my wedding day when I’m getting married.

So I couldn’t really say anything there and then.

She came to the ceremony and the wedding breakfast but she left the evening do early before I got down there (everything was in one place) as apparently she was very drunk.

She had left all her stuff lying around my room so my auntie was picking it up for her including her pyjamas and dirty underwear and putting it in a bag for her.

Next day I was leaving around 12 and going on honeymoon the next day so was contacting friend about getting her stuff as I was going to be away for three weeks. In the end she said to leave it at reception which is what I did but again didn’t want to be messing around trying to get her stuff to her the morning after my wedding. It was weird.

When texting her the next day I did say I was surprised she had brought her friend in to my room without asking as it was a private thing. She said she’s so sorry and would take me for dinner to make it up to me. But she never mentioned it again! I don’t want the dinner but some acknowledgement! I was annoyed for a long time and felt differently about her after that. I told her she’s after, maybe a year, as she carried on wanting to meet up and stuff and sometimes I did meet up with her but I found myself annoyed with her quite easily and then wanted to explain why. She seemed really upset but said I should have told her earlier. I said I probably would have mentioned it on the day (later on when we were alone) if she was around and I texted her the after my wedding. She said i should know she doesn’t pay attention to texts (even though she replied).

Anyway we are still friends sort of but I do just see her as a bit unreliable and in her own world.

For example I’m doing a talk for an event at work today. She was supposed to be doing the same but dropped out at the last minute (yesterday) and left her colleague in the lurch to do all of it (whereas they were going to share it... I’m really busy and had a fleeting thought last week that it would be good to get out of it but I didn’t as I didn’t as I had committed to doing it!

I told my family/friends I wasn’t having one - simple. I don’t think celebrating the birth of a baby before it’s safely born is fun, I hate that everyone is obliged to bring a gift and then another when the baby is born. And I didn’t need a spa day or party or afternoon tea to celebrate anything - we can celebrate when baby is here!

I posted something quite similar last year!😁 OP, be very VERY clear that you don't want one and you won't go if one is done, otherwise a surprise shower may happen.

Wow op she has some brass neck doesn’t she

Yes current thinking is I don’t want one and so I’ll just say that which is actually easier than wanting one but just not for her to organise it!

@Blackberry10 I don’t know what planet she’s on sometimes

So same friend had signed up to do something for charity last night, again sorted for months, and we have had loads of sponsorship as a team to do it.

I heard she just didn’t turn up!