Paranoid about friend’s boyfriend

[springsprung17]

One of my closest friends, let’s call her Hannah, has been in a relationship for around 6 months or so. I considered him nice enough on the first one or two occasions I met him, if slightly comparable to an overexcited puppy. Then just before the summer, Hannah discovered texts on his phone that suggested he had not only been texting multiple girls, but had also met an escort in a nearby local hotel after having just left Hannah's flat. She said she was going to end it with him but after what I consider to be pretty major gaslighting on his part and a desire to not admit defeat or be proven wrong about him being a nice guy’, Hannah is still with him. Her choice, I made it clear that I didn’t like him but would be civil for her benefit whenever he would be in our company, which I have been.

However, what’s really bothering me is the way he is around my almost two year old son. He first met DS when a group of us went for lunch back in August, and spent a good deal of it playing and chatting with my son at the table, which is nice enough obviously, but almost immediately after we all parted ways, he messaged me offering to babysit whenever, as well as posting a picture of himself, DS and Hannah which had been taken during the lunch, on his Instagram account, bearing in mind this was like the fourth or fifth time I’ve met him. I immediately, and for the first time since becoming a mum, got a very bad feeling, like a very strong need to keep him away sort of thing.

This leads us to last night where I had some friends round for dinner at my house. I hadn’t invited him, but he turned up late into the night after Hannah told him to come over. A friend from America was also visiting for the first time in over a year so was asking me lots about DS which was nice. Midway through, the boyfriend asked me ‘when are you going to let me and Hannah take DS out for the day?’ My immediate response was to laugh and say never, which I’ll admit came out rather short so I covered by saying that DS was having issues with separation at the moment, which he isn’t, but I wanted to avoid having something kick off.

Like I said, I’ve never had such an overwhelming need to keep someone away from my son before, but my instinct has very rarely been wrong in the past, but I’m just at a loss for what to think or do really. Am I being silly?

I recognise your obvious suspicions, but this could also be his way of 'proving' to Hannah that he's a 'good guy's lives kids, family man, take DS out for the day play happy families etc, rather than a sleazebag who goes after other women and sleeps with escorts, essentially using your son as a prop in his charade. Either way you've got nothing to lose by not giving in to his requests, he has no reason to be alone with your son.

All you need to say is ‘ I love you but I’m not keen on your boyfriend. Can you not bring him round any more’

Trust your gut. Do what you need to to keep him from spending time with your child but I would probably hold back on telling your other friends why.
They don't really need to know at this point and I imagine that Hannahs boyfriend could easily turn this against you - and would.
See how it plays for a while. See whether they mention anything first.

How about "I just want to let you know that I'm not being off with you, I love the bond you have with my DS but I feel uncomfortable about how your partner is with him and although you are always welcome in our home and lives, he is not. I understand you have chosen him as a partner and I respect that choice but it means babysitting/spending one on one time with my DS will stop. I'll continue to be cordial with your BF but of course, my home and child are to be protected as it's better safe than sorry." If she says you're being silly/slanderous, tell her he's your child and you're following your gut instinct which you wouldn't make a fuss over something like this that may affect your friendship if you didn't feel so strongly.

The trouble is, I'm sure this guy will have an "explanation" for his way but imo someone up to no good would also have one wouldn't they? I'd also reject any suggestion that your friend still look after him but she'll be on guard, there will always be 10 minutes one day where something comes up/he's guilt tripped your friend into thinking it's silly and lying to you.

There's no grounds from the OPs posts to assume "probably innocent."

Well, there's no grounds to presume not innocent, and most people are innocent... so...?

Like I said, I'm not telling her not to trust what she feels, I just don't see the point of making drama out of it based on that alone. It's not like he's a close relative who has any reason to be alone with him. Female friends and colleagues joke about wanting to babysit my DS all the time, I just laugh it off because obviously it's never going to happen anyway.

That's good!

I would be upfront and say 'I find it weird that a man who uses escorts and that I barely know wants to babysit my son. Stop asking it's never going to happen'.

And I would ban him from my house even if it meant losing a friend. Trust your gut, he is not to be trusted.

He could just be trying to impress Hannah, but at the end of the day, you don't like him or how he is with your son.

If she keeps inviting him to stuff then you ight have to cut back on seeing her...

I had the same with my sisters ex!

Very hard to handle when they are around alot. It started with him being sweet with him picking him up and talking to him (ds was about 4mo at the time) and then he started without my knowledge using ds as an emotional weapon against my sister in regards to taking him out etc as i would only let my sister take ds out without the boyfriend.

Eventually it all came to a head one evening when ds was laying on the sofa and the boyfriend gave ds a kiss on the forehead and that was it as a family we agreed he was no longer to be anywhere near him if possible and closely supervised if he was near.

Luckily they broke up soon after because i'm not sure what else i could have done to stop contact.

Sorry no advice but i sympathise!

She’s never had success with guys and never really a long term relationship so I think she’s just desperate to make something work, and because he basically lovebombs her I guess she thinks he’s a good one.

This whole scenario sounds like it may be the beginning of a controlling and abusive relationship. It may also not be of course.

If it is, the boyfriend will woo you like crazy to make you think he is awesome in every way (this is a type of grooming) and, when he realises that you aren't going to play ball, he will work just as hard to cut you out of Hannah's life.

He will continue to do this until Hannah has contact only with people who will back up his gas-lighting and refuse to hear any bad of him.

Trust your instincts and keep him away from your DS. At best your DS is being used. At the same time, make it clear to Hannah in every way you can that she is hugely important to you, that you very much want her to be integral to your DS's life and that, no matter what happens or how long it takes, you will never judge her and will always be there to support her and give her a bed for the night.

" he basically lovebombs her I guess she thinks he’s a good one."

Although she actually knows that he isn't, but decided to stay anyway.

I agree with the others - trust your gut.

I dated a guy for a while, and he seemed way more interested in my DDs than in me. He me them once, and I could feel the hair at the back of my neck rising. I had such a bad feeling about it that I dumped him and have cut all contact with him.

@Goldmandra I hope to god it isn’t that because it just sounds horrendous. I’d like to think it’s not, but then I wonder if this guy seems to think we’re not as clever as he is, so maybe that is what he’s trying to do. Ugh I don’t know, it’s just awful that people like this exist

I recognise your obvious suspicions, but this could also be his way of 'proving' to Hannah that he's a 'good guy's lives kids, family man, take DS out for the day play happy families etc, rather than a sleazebag who goes after other women and sleeps with escorts, essentially using your son as a prop in his charade.

I agree with this - it’s another form of lovebombing i.e. look what an amazing dad I would be, look at the future you could have with me etc.

I still wouldn’t let him spend time with your son though. YADNBU.

Gosh he sounds remarkably like somebody I dodged a bullet from.
Your gut instincts are probably right

It’s hard because I know I wouldn’t feel great if one of my closet friends had a problem with someone I was with, but then again I’d rather know about it.

Ugh I don’t know, it’s just awful that people like this exist

Isn't it?

I hope for your friend's sake that he isn't one. If he is, at least you can make sure she knows she always has an escape, even if she doesn't realise she needs one for a long time.

OP I agree with @RangeRider and also the lovebombing comment. My friends stbexh was like this with her Neice and Nephews trying to show what a lovely guy and what a great dad etc he cheated a lot and was a controlling gas lighter.

Agree with the consensus to trust your gut, that feeling is there for a reason.

He may not be grooming you, he may not be a paedophile but even so he is trying to ingratiate himself in to your son’s life for some purpose when there is no need.

I wonder if your friend has told him or he gets the feeling you don’t like him and he is being overly nice to try to get you to like him? Could you ask her? Either way he is trying to force a relationship with your son and I would stamp it out.

You should not ignore how you feel. Tbh even without your gut feeling, the fact that he uses escorts means he is not the sort of person you want round your son. You want your son to be around people with good values who will be a good influence. So you don't have to tell her you think he might be a would be criminal, the above is reason enough to want him nowhere near your child.

Yeah, I wouldn’t be keen on that either. The thing is, you don’t have to have a burden of proof or any kind of justifiable evidential threshold for a decision to protect your baby. You can just, do it.

I might be way off but I get the impression he's toying with you. That he can sense or he actually knows that you don't like him so he's being deliberately sly and using your son to push your buttons. I'd be concerned that he was trying to push you into a reaction, one where he could argue (gaslight Hannah) that he was just being nice and you've overreacted. He'd be the poor victim and you'd be the baddy that doesn't want her friend to find happiness. That's what abusers do, divide and conquer.