Paranoid about friend’s boyfriend

[springsprung17]

One of my closest friends, let’s call her Hannah, has been in a relationship for around 6 months or so. I considered him nice enough on the first one or two occasions I met him, if slightly comparable to an overexcited puppy. Then just before the summer, Hannah discovered texts on his phone that suggested he had not only been texting multiple girls, but had also met an escort in a nearby local hotel after having just left Hannah's flat. She said she was going to end it with him but after what I consider to be pretty major gaslighting on his part and a desire to not admit defeat or be proven wrong about him being a nice guy’, Hannah is still with him. Her choice, I made it clear that I didn’t like him but would be civil for her benefit whenever he would be in our company, which I have been.

However, what’s really bothering me is the way he is around my almost two year old son. He first met DS when a group of us went for lunch back in August, and spent a good deal of it playing and chatting with my son at the table, which is nice enough obviously, but almost immediately after we all parted ways, he messaged me offering to babysit whenever, as well as posting a picture of himself, DS and Hannah which had been taken during the lunch, on his Instagram account, bearing in mind this was like the fourth or fifth time I’ve met him. I immediately, and for the first time since becoming a mum, got a very bad feeling, like a very strong need to keep him away sort of thing.

This leads us to last night where I had some friends round for dinner at my house. I hadn’t invited him, but he turned up late into the night after Hannah told him to come over. A friend from America was also visiting for the first time in over a year so was asking me lots about DS which was nice. Midway through, the boyfriend asked me ‘when are you going to let me and Hannah take DS out for the day?’ My immediate response was to laugh and say never, which I’ll admit came out rather short so I covered by saying that DS was having issues with separation at the moment, which he isn’t, but I wanted to avoid having something kick off.

Like I said, I’ve never had such an overwhelming need to keep someone away from my son before, but my instinct has very rarely been wrong in the past, but I’m just at a loss for what to think or do really. Am I being silly?

OP, could you not just be honest with your friend?

", I guess because he comes across like he’s being nice she probably assumes I don’t mind him being around."

But I thought that you had told her that you don't like him?

Tbh though she'a an idiot for staying with him.

Is she desperate to have a boyfriend?

I would ask your friend not to invite him to your house. Tell her that he gives you the creeps. Agreeing to be cordial for her sake is not the same as allowing him into your home or near your child.

I would also not allow her to take your son out, even if she promises not to meet up with her boyfriend. He clearly pushes boundaries and she lets him so she is not to be trusted either.

Trust your instincts.

Hell would freeze over before I let a man I barely knew babysit my children.

Best case scenario is he is trying to keep you sweet so you warm to him because you're such good friends with his girlfriend and he doesn't want you slagging him off to her.

Worst case scenario doesn't bear thinking of.

Given that Hannah has no children and that he's messaged other women / been with an escort etc. I'd say his intentions with DS weren't the issue. More likely he's trying to build a bond with you that he can use against Hannah in future so she'll not dump him; 'Spring likes me, I'm great with her DS' etc. He's using DS to get to you, and you to keep Hannah under his spell.
Still don't let him near DS obviously, but for differentish reasons.

Trust your gut. Absolutely. I had this feeling very strongly about a man locally and the way he was with my dds ( then very tiny ). DH absolutely hates him, I’ve never seen him feel this way about anyone. Trust yourself op, those feelings are there for a reason.
Read “the gift of fear “. Very helpful , makes you realise that you are right to listen to your instincts.

Trust your instinct.

Don't even let Hannah look after him on her own, she obviously has poor judgement and will probably let her BF have access to your DS.

Tell her that you feel uncomfortable around him and not to invite him to your house ever again.

You need to talk to your friend, just say "Hannah, this is awkward but you know I don't like Alan, I promised you I would be civil in social situations and I meant it but those social situations do not extend to my home. I would rather he wasn't there the other night but it is what it is, he is not to be invited again, inc ds's party. And also he needs to stop mentioning bringing ds out because that is never going to happen"

If she doesn't like it she can lump it really

I think RangeRider has it spot on. Trust your instincts, he's already shown who he is. Poor Hannah, I hope she sees the light soon.

@cryingoverspiltmilk I know, I really should be. I must sound like a real wimp for having not already done so 😖 I asked another mutual friend for advice and they said that they don’t see the relationship lasting but to me even that’s too much time.

@diddl oh I know, that’s what makes it even more infuriating. She’s never had success with guys and never really a long term relationship so I think she’s just desperate to make something work, and because he basically lovebombs her I guess she thinks he’s a good one.

Never mind if YABU or not.
Only an idiot ignores their gut feeling when it comes to their child’s safety. Maintain your friendship with Hannah if you can but no more than that.

Yep, trust your gut!

With my closest friends I would just say that I don’t like him or trust him and that he’s gaslighting her, he’s not a nice guy - nice guys don’t go from their girlfriend’s house to a prostitute. Tell her that he unsettles you, especially around DS, so you do NOT want him at DS’s birthday party, at your house ever or to be at any other event with your DS, so can she please let you know if she intends to invite him to any other gatherings and you won’t go. Tell her you’ll miss her being at yours so often, and of course she’s welcome anytime on her own.

I don’t think it pays to be too subtle with friends ‘in love’. They need to know you’ve got their back, but that their current choice of bloke isn’t as shit hot as they think ‘in the moment’.

I’ve been on both sides of this. It wasn’t easy to say, or to hear, but the friendships long outlasted the relationships.

I would say it's probably innocent. Even if it's not, he's not exactly closely linked to you so it's not exactly difficult for you to "trust your instinct" and not let him babysit anyway, is it?

Go with your gut! Every time!
If he raises if again, just answer firmly with 'I'm not comfortable with anybody other than very close family members having him in my absence...indoors or outdoors!' He sounds like a snake! Hopefully, your friend will see sense and dump him soon!

You need to tell your friend that he is not welcome in your home and around your son.
If protecting your son comes at the cost of losing a friend then so be it.
Please trust your gut instinct!

I am a 100% rational person, but I always trust my spidey senses when it comes to other people around DC.

I had a feeling like that about a friend's boyfriend / fiancé. When they eventually split up, a very surprising background story came to light, including arrests for domestic violence (including towards a child she did not know he had). And he was presenting as an extremely well adjusted, kind, likeable if a bit shy, man.

It could be that he is trying overly hard to impress your friend, she loves your DS and is like an aunty so he's being like this to show her what a great guy he is. Or he knows you aren't impressed by how hes treated your friend and offering to babysit and being over nice to/about your son is his way of trying to worm his way into your good books. Or it could be something really creepy. There is no way to tell.

You might be wrong and it may all be totally innocent but you have a bad feeling so it isn't worth the risk. If it offends the guy, well tough shit, there isn't any need for him to be near DS.

There's no grounds from the OPs posts to assume "probably innocent." .

If he turns up to your son's party will you be able to say go away?

Oh, and politely tell your friend that her boyfriend is not invited to the party. If she doesn't like it, tough! I'd rather risk losing her friendship if she won't respect your request. And if he 'turns up', tell her they both need to leave. Also, as others have said, that pic needs taking down pronto!

Sorry I’m not replying to you all directly as you’re all offering wonderful advice, but just so quickly

I guess I’m also worried about what will happen when I have the conversation with her, as it could have repercussions for our whole friendship group if we fall out etc, but then again that’s just the way it has to be I guess which is just awful but i have to put DS first. I feel desperately sorry for my friend cos it just never seems to go right in these situations for her.

Her twin brother is also part of our group so I did consider asking him what he thinks of how to approach her etc but not sure if it’s a good idea thanks everyone for taking me seriously, I appreciate it!

Its odd isn’t it when you get that feeling. I’ve only ever felt it once when I met my friend dad at her sons birthday party. He was doing absolutely nothing wrong, just playing with dd (3) at the time. He seemed to be following her around. But he made me super on edge and my skin was prickling up. Never had that experience.

Go with your gut. Those feelings are instinctual.

If he raises if again, just answer firmly with 'I'm not comfortable with anybody other than very close family members having him in my absence...indoors or outdoors!'

I don't even see why this is necessary. He's just the boyfriend of a friend, I would take it as a joke and laugh it off. Nobody would seriously expect you to say "okay you can take him out next week" would they?

@YearOfYouRemember well it’s being held at my parents house as they have more space, so if I decide to talk to my mum about this, I think she’d do it even before I could!