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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about his drinking?

49 replies

lizzlebizzle33 · 23/09/2018 09:33

DH had always enjoyed a little whisky here and there but usually only at Christmas or if he had been bought a bottle for his birthday, he didn't used to buy whisky just because, but lately he has been.

What worries me isn't so much the drinking, well it is but more the way he goes about it,

The bottle is in his bag, and I only know it's there if I look for it. Which I do when I think he smells of it. Last week there were 3 occasions I looked and each time it was a different bottle.

It's not like he is drinking with friends or anything, he literally comes home from work around 11pm, me and the kids are in bed already ad he will sit and drink on his own.

It's not normal right? I've asked him about it and he sad there is no problem he had just been paid and fancied some but 3 bottles to himself in 1 week? I'm shocked by that, is it me being over sensitive?

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 23/09/2018 09:37

Of course you’re not. How big are the bottles? 1 litre is 40 units.
Hiding alcohol, drinking every night and smelling of booze isn’t normal.
Having a glass or two of something nice is a treat but sinking bottle after bottle is an issue.
I hope he’s not driving.

Original poster

lizzlebizzle33 · 23/09/2018 09:43

I think it's a 1ltr, middle size bottle. No he doesn't drive but I've had to take on all the night wakings and feeds for ds2 as I don't want him feeding him if he's drunk. I also work so am so tired from this.

We had it out last week and I broke down to him about how worried I was and how upsetting I was and he agreed he wouldn't do it anymore and said sorry.
Now this morning I move his bag and it's really heavy as I heard that sloshing sound so I looked, and sure enough a half drunk bottle in there. And he is snoozing away now probably hungover while I have been up for 3 hours already with the kids.

I jut feel so alone, like I have to just deal with all our stresses and he can just drink them all away.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2018 09:47

He's drunk three litres of whisky in one week and keeps it in his bag?

If this is the case your husband's an alcoholic and he simply can't hide it any more. It's very unlikely someone would go from rarely drinking to this.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2018 09:48

Are you saying he's drunk three litres in a week and carries it about with him?

I'm sorry but if this is the case, your husband is an alcoholic. No one goes from rarely drinking to this. He's simply unable to hide it anymore.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2018 09:48

Sorry about the double post, iPad playing up.

Original poster

lizzlebizzle33 · 23/09/2018 09:51

I think I know this already, I can't accept it myself, or don't want to.
I don't know how to go about dealing with this without arguments, I want to help him I don't want to lose him but this will kill our relationship if he can't change. I will put up with a lot but but this would break me.

OP posts:

BlueJava · 23/09/2018 09:52

No of course that's not normal. I'd also be worried at how much he's spending on it as well. I think you need to get support and back up for you and DCs in place - try Alnon (this organisation helps the families of alcoholics). I'm sorry OP I'm probably not the best person to advise, but I do know alcohol is a slipperly slope, my own DF was an alcoholic hence I don't even fancy a drop and my OH only drinks say 1-2 cans of craft beer in a week. Good luck and stay strong.

cricketmum84 · 23/09/2018 09:53

3 litres in a week, different bottles in his bag. Sorry OP but this is really worrying. The problem with hiding his drinking is that you don't know the full truth. I would be surprised if those 3 bottles were the only ones.

BakedBeans47 · 23/09/2018 09:55

That’s a huge amount. I’m sorry OP. He has to realise it for himself before he can be helped though - and I say that as a (former) problem drinker myself. At that level of drinking however, it’s probably not going to be that long before it has significant impacts in other areas of his life.

legocardsagain · 23/09/2018 09:56

Telling him he has a problem doesn't work. He needs to recognise it for himself. You can calmly discuss what is 'normal' or not. If he's minimising he probably doesn't think it's a problem. He won't have hangovers, because every day feels the same. That will be his baseline for what normal feels like iyswim.

Contact Alanon they provide advice for families of alcoholics. You need support until he's ready to accept he has a problem and seek support.

I say this with experience, my DH is just approaching 1 yr sober. There were so many incidents for that should have been his rock bottom, but they weren't. He stopped when he was ready. for you, it's tough for both of you though. Try not to be angry with him, he needs help.

Wolfiefan · 23/09/2018 10:04

You didn’t cause it. You can’t cure him. You can’t control this.
He will only stop if he decides to.
You can only change your response not his behaviour. I wouldn’t have my kids round this or live with someone who drank like that.
As previously suggested al anon supports families.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2018 10:05

The thing that's unusual about this op is you thought he wasn't drinking before, he has to have been to have hit this level, as if he wasn't his tolerance would be lower. This amount of whisky would pretty much kill him.

Was there genuinely no signs?

Original poster

lizzlebizzle33 · 23/09/2018 10:41

I don't think that there were any signs but I doubt I would have noticed, life has been very hard and non stop since ds2 came along. He's 9 months old now and still wakes all through the night. The sleep deprivation alone has almost sent me insane, on top of that ds1 is in full swing of terrible twos and I'm also back at work.
We hardly see each other and when we do we're both exhausted.

I get that he may need an escape but this is clearly too much. I think if I confront t him again though he will just hide it better.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2018 10:56

Op, sorry, you're missing my point, it would seem your husband is an alcoholic so will have been drinking heavily for a long time. This isn't a recent occurrence or about escape.

Three litres of whisky in a week, hiding it in his bags, drinking secretly, this is a serious problem. There is many things you now need to look out for, from his driving where he will be over the limit, to being left alone with thr kids, to his ability to do his job, there are many repercussions when it hits this level.

Wolfiefan · 23/09/2018 10:58

This isn’t new.
If he’s not vomiting and constantly rolling drunk he’s been drinking heavily for a long time.
Confronting him won’t work. And he will lie.

Original poster

lizzlebizzle33 · 23/09/2018 10:59

He doesn't drive so I do r need to worry about that, thank god. But he has our kids on his own 2 days a week when instead work and they're not at grandparents. I'm worried about that now.

And as for his job, he is a barman 😩

OP posts:

Original poster

lizzlebizzle33 · 23/09/2018 11:01

I don't know what to do. I know confronting him won't work. I am quite close with his parents but I think if I talk to them about it and they get involved it will only make things worse.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 23/09/2018 11:03

You need to think of you. Plan. What do you want if he keeps drinking?
Then tell him the plan. No one else can stop him drinking. Not you. Not his family. Not AA.

AskMeHow · 23/09/2018 11:04

You can't have this around your kids, you just can't.

What's your limit OP? How many times does he have to say he'll stop and doesn't, before you kick him out?

He's spending family money on getting wasted, he's useless with looking after his own children when he's hungover, you're exhausted from trying to do his share as well as your own.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2018 11:10

He's likely been drinking steadily at work then. And it's escalated. This is what often happens with alcoholics, they lose control. No one can drink this amount if they have a low tolerance, he would indeed be very ill, puking, collapsing, slurring his words. The fact he's hiding bottles in his bag is a big issue.

How will it make it worse if his parents get involved?

Hippyshubby · 23/09/2018 11:10

I'm a little confused about "The bag". Is this a manbag, suitcase for working away from home, gym bag or his equivalent of a briefcase? If driving isn't an issue when does he drink? Is he taking this to work and drinking there? I'm just a little lost on that point.

I stopped drinking when it became an every night thing. The tipping point was when DW commented that it was getting excessive and that I should cut down the number of trips I took to the freezer (where my vodka was stored) each night... I complied but, instead, made each drink 3 times as strong. I then had a night out as a goodbye from work and got so drunk I was falling down and sick. Something finally clicked that this behaviour was wrong. I quit after that and have been off for over 10 years.

I always had an issue with binge drinking (after about 4 or 5 pints I would be guaranteed to be getting falling over drunk) but I very rarely did that. I could easily be the designated driver and would decide to take that role in case I ended up drinking too much...

...an alcoholic doesn't have to drink every night. They don't have to get blind drunk all the time. In fact most users of alcohol are alcoholic to a degree. Alcoholism is about an unhealthy relationship with booze. Excessive self medication through it, binges, hiding volume/frequency from a partner... all of these sorts of things plus the old standby of "I need a drink" (used by most drinkers) are all indications of a poor relationship with it.

I never went to any meetings or engaged with any services. I did email AA once and described a few things and I found that their attitude was pretty much that anyone who drank alcohol at all was an alcoholic... this wasn't all that useful at the time as I guess I wanted to be "special" and be told I needed to give up, not that everyone did (although looking in on alcohol drinking as an adult who doesn't i can increasingly see their point for the majority of people, not all, but more than would be happy with it being pointed out).

Everyone is different. You are stuck in a bind of being seen as caring and being seen as a nag. Frankly if you care then you will need to use tough love and grow a thick skin as what he sees as nagging is what will be needed. I suggest (And can do no more than that as despite what is often posted on MN not every household will suit the same approach to a problem) that you lay out your concerns and what worries you about them. You point out he cannot wake for night feeds or be trusted. You start with a simple laying it on the line and walk away. No ultimatums. No demands. Just that. And leave it for a few days to see how it sinks in. Men aren't great at instant positive reactions and we are defensive over things like how deeply we sleep and personal habits. If things don't change or he doesn't come to you to talk it through you have decisions to make. Can you safely stay? Can you trust him? Is the problem a sticking point with the relationship? On this last point remember the onus isn't on you. Even if you make an ultimatum like "The family or the booze" you aren't throwing him out or leaving him. It is him making a choice over what is more important. I, personally, don't suggest jumping straight to that. I think starting with your worries about him... about him in the family... and then the pressures on you are all good starts. Then gradually give opportunities for him to make the right choices. Talk about support groups. Talk about talking to the GP and so on before reaching ultimatums.

I could be wrong. Your dynamic might be different. I really am interested/worried about this "bag" though.

Wolfiefan · 23/09/2018 11:14

The bag is likely how he smuggles drink in and hides it from the family. Hope he’s not stealing it from work.

Hippyshubby · 23/09/2018 11:15

Just seen that he is a barman. I don't know what the situation there is now. I've known many bar people that are functioning alcoholics but that was a long time ago. Surely modern health and safety rules would prevent drinking during a shift or am I being utterly naive? (In my defence as a non drinker I've hardly set foot in a pub for 10 years as my focus is on my family)

Hippyshubby · 23/09/2018 11:18

Yeah but "bag" is vague. What type? Carrying a bag with you as a bloke needs to be functional and isn't a given. I have a manbag for work and one with the family but I'd need to say on a post like this that that is why I had a bag. A barman doesn't need to bring stationary and paperwork with him to work. Perhaps I'm sexist or even just old but I know for women having a bag is a given (and we thank you so much for everything that is in there) but my generation don't have that as a given for men. We have pockets. I'm not sure I'm making sense and I fear I'm digging a hole that so distract from the purpose of this thread.

Squeegle · 23/09/2018 11:23

You cannot tell him what to do. You can tell him what you will put up with. You can say “I cannot live with someone who is drinking in this way”. You are asking him to make a choice. If he chooses to carry on drinking then you know what he has chosen and you need to take steps to separate.

This sounds very harsh- but I have been in almost exactly your shoes and it took me a long time to learn this lesson. I tried to change him, to plead , monitored his drinking, hid his bottles. He was good at kidding us both that things would change. They didn’t. He was always letting me down. He was unreliable. Used to drink while looking after the kids even when he swore he wouldn’t. It wasn’t safe. In the end (it took me years), I realised I could only control my own life, not his. I had to look after the kids.

I would urge you to get support, al anon, and/or speak to your friends. Don’t be ashamed, it’s not your shame. Good luck

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