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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about his drinking?

49 replies

lizzlebizzle33 · 23/09/2018 09:33

DH had always enjoyed a little whisky here and there but usually only at Christmas or if he had been bought a bottle for his birthday, he didn't used to buy whisky just because, but lately he has been.

What worries me isn't so much the drinking, well it is but more the way he goes about it,

The bottle is in his bag, and I only know it's there if I look for it. Which I do when I think he smells of it. Last week there were 3 occasions I looked and each time it was a different bottle.

It's not like he is drinking with friends or anything, he literally comes home from work around 11pm, me and the kids are in bed already ad he will sit and drink on his own.

It's not normal right? I've asked him about it and he sad there is no problem he had just been paid and fancied some but 3 bottles to himself in 1 week? I'm shocked by that, is it me being over sensitive?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 23/09/2018 11:28

It sounds really likely that he's stealing it from work. While he's asleep now, check the size of the bottle. When you said 'medium' sized I was thinking it would be the size of a wine bottle, but if he's taking it from work it'll be a litre.

Hippyshubby · 23/09/2018 11:30

That is what I was trying to say in my stupidly verbose way. Thank you for putting it so clearly and from the right pov

pointythings · 23/09/2018 11:39

He's an alcoholic and he is spiralling. My H was like this - bottles in his bag, hidden bottles in the bedroom, smelling of booze every night. He drank openly but he also drank stealthily on top of that. if I mentioned it, I was 'nagging'. He was having about 140 units a week that I knew of but I knew it was more - possibly double that.

In the end I gave him an ultimatum and stuck to it. He did rehab, failed at it and went back to lying about drinking, so I started divorce proceedings. Last December I made him move out because he got drunk and the police got involved. Earlier this summer he died - alone in his flat, of major heart disease. All because he wasn't ready to quit drinking.

Your DH is a long way down this path. Take steps to protect yourself and your DC - you can't save him, only yourselves. Go to an Al-Anon or similar group and learn to set boundaries. Then stick to them. You should not have to live with this and nor should your DCs.

Squeegle · 23/09/2018 11:42

pointythings , so sorry to hear about your ex and what you have been through. Alcohol is so insidious.

Original poster

lizzlebizzle33 · 23/09/2018 11:59

Ok so the "bag" just to clarify is a ruck sack type thing that he carries his work shoes in as he wears trainers to and from work as its a fair walk.

OP posts:

Hippyshubby · 23/09/2018 12:02

Seems excessive for a pair of shoes. Just leave the shoes at work. No reason for a bag like that to have a bottle in.

MoMandaS · 23/09/2018 12:14

Standard, fairly large bottle of whisky is 70cl, so when you say 'medium sized' bottle I don't think it can be 3 litres he's getting through a week. But it still sounds excessive and secretive, which should be a worry.

pointythings · 23/09/2018 12:18

lizzle the bag is a red herring. Honestly, it is. What matters is that he promised you no more secret drinking - and was back at it almost at once.

Alcoholics lie. They make and break promises. I don't say that in a judgmental sense, it's simply part of their disease. You cannot believe a thing your DH says unless and until he decides to deal with his addiction. You need to take action to protect yourself and your DCs. I stayed too long because I thought I could help him. I was wrong. My DDs and I all paid the price in terms of stress and trauma and ultimately bereavement and we have all needed a lot of support to come out on the other side as a strong family of 3.

Wolfiefan · 23/09/2018 12:20

A bottle that size is still nearly 30 units each. 90 units a week that the OP knows of. And he works at a bar so could be drinking more too.
The shoes thing is a red herring. Do they not have lockers at work? It’s to hide the alcohol.

Wolfiefan · 23/09/2018 12:20

X post.

recklessruby · 23/09/2018 12:49

From what you have said you have had enough. Hopefully posting on here will just clarify what you need to do.
You are exhausted, bringing up 2 dc alone and have a job. You are also exhausted playing the alcoholic s game. You know when you minimise how bad things are and make excuses and desperately believe what they say.
Then the heart sinking moment you discover another bag with sloshing contents and it destroys you all over again.
Give him that ultimatum. Stick to it.
Your dc will thank you as it's really not fun growing up around this.
Don't think you will be worse off on your own. Sorry to say it OP but you are already on your own.

Original poster

lizzlebizzle33 · 23/09/2018 13:06

I just feel sick. I have been with this man for 13 years, how can he treat means his children like this. Everything I do is for them, how can he not feel the same.

He doesn't see it as a problem, which is probably the biggest problem.

OP posts:

pointythings · 23/09/2018 13:11

lizzle you will be better off as a single parent. Trust me on this. The moment my H left our house, the shadows lifted. My children smiled and laughed again. Younger DD's school results improved. We were happy even though we had less money. Life with an alcoholic only gets worse.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2018 13:29

Op, alcoholism isn't a choice someone makes, it's an addiction they can't control and very often people have to hit very rock bottom before they will admit it. Recovery isn't easy. And I'd assume even harder for a barman.

Him saying it's not a problem is fairly common denial. I'd also be concerned he is stealing from his workplace. If he is, he's going to get caught at some point and lose his job.

Original poster

lizzlebizzle33 · 23/09/2018 13:48

He could very well be drinking on the job but I don't think he is stealing the bottles from work as they are usually cheap co op own brand

OP posts:

pointythings · 23/09/2018 13:52

Bluntness you are so right about denial. While in rehab my H was still saying things in group therapy along the lines of 'I don't know why I'm here'. With hindsight I shouldn't have bothered with the ultimatum, but I wanted to feel I'd really done everything and given him every chance.

Squeegle · 23/09/2018 16:49

Denial and lying to oneself is what it’s all about for an addict. “I can stop any time I want to”, like others have said, you just have to believe that there is twisted thinking going on; you really cannot believe anything that is said. I used to believe my ex when he said he wouldn’t drink. But I was continually proved wrong. The only thing in the end is to assume they will drink. It’s rhe only way to keep your own sanity.
IF they do give up so much the better. For your information my ex is now sober. He virtually drank himself to death (had moved out by then), had a suicide attempt, and basically took himself into rehab after that. It had to be his decision and he had to get to that dark place on his own. It’s sad cos we want to help, but ultimately it is their choice.

Libertarian · 23/09/2018 16:54

I think everyone needs to relax. Let the man enjoy a little taste

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2018 17:05

I think everyone needs to relax. Let the man enjoy a little taste

Yeah cos three litres a week is a taste.

pointythings · 23/09/2018 17:32

Libertarian I agree with you that relaxing would be great - if it were possible for OP. After all she is powerless against her H's addiction. It isn't possible when you're living with an addict though.

And as for 'his little taste' - my H's 'little taste' landed him in a box at the age of 58.

Squeegle · 23/09/2018 17:42

I think Libertarian is wind up merchant

cricketmum84 · 23/09/2018 17:52

@Squeegle second time I've seen a wind up comment from them on a thread today.

BakedBeans47 · 23/09/2018 18:28

He’s become addicted to an addictive substance and one that is widely available. It happens. I am sure he doesn’t think he’s putting alcohol above his children. He’s probably able to kid himself on that because he only does it when they’re in bed it doesn’t affect them.

He needs to admit there’s a problem and seek help though and at that level of drinking it’s probably going to take medical help. Only you can decide how you will react but your children deserve better than to grow up with an alcoholic dad around them.

MrsStrowman · 23/09/2018 18:29

OP if he wants to address it, he's going to need to change jobs, I've never had a problem with alcohol but I've never drunk at much as I did working in bars. One or two on break with regulars, a good few more after work with colleagues, sometimes back to someone's house because you're all still wide awake at 2am, socialising at odd times because you work the sociable ones, drinking is very much part of the culture and bars are often staffed by younger people and students who are living that party stage of their life. Being a recovering alcoholic bar tender would be hell.
The first step is for him to acknowledge it's a problem, if he won't or can't you will need to make plans to move on without him. Also is he stealing the whisky from work or have you noticed increased expenditure? He could wind up with the sack and a criminal record too.

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