To be annoyed at this response?

[pleasecomebacksummer]

I've been with my boyfriend for 16 months. We have taken things slow, don't love together and still have quite separate lives. We haven't met each other's friends or family yet.
Today I got an invite for a wedding in February and my boyfriend is also invited. I text him telling him. He replied with 'that's great but I'm dying' (he already told me he had a cold). I responded with 'you have 5 months to recover 🤣🤣🤣' he replied with 'I may still be ill then' I replied with '🤣🤣 that's a bit extreme'. He replied with 'I dunno, I feel pressure rubbish'. I replied acknowledging this but said it's 5 months away. He then changed the subject and said good night. Am I being unreasonable to feel like it was inadvertently trying to say he doesn't want to come? Or is he just being like this because he feels ill and is ages away so doesn't need to worry about it? To add a bit of context he never gives straight answers which I thinks he does to avoid discussing certain things, and I've also had concerns before about his commitment.

So he didn't come round tonight as he felt too unwell. It will probably be Tuesday I see how now but will only be a couple of hours due to the time I get home from work and the time he goes on his night shift.
I've been thinking about this a lot today......I do know that there's a red flag here due to him being so non commital and I know I need to talk to him about it. I just can't work him out. I don't know what it is. I'm 99% sure it's not because he wants to end it with me or because he doesn't see us being together by then as I think he does. I'm wondering whether inside he wants it to be a casual long term relationship even though I've always made it clear that commitment is what I'm wanting. I sometimes think that that's what he thought he wanted but isn't ready for the reality of it.

Oh love. You know your own relationship better than all of us but I think the fact that 16 months neither of you have a life together - friends, family etc.- is a bit of a red flag. And the fact he is being iffy about going to your friends wedding is just a bit... weird. It really shouldn’t be such a big deal.

I know. I need to have the conversation with him and take it from there as all I have at the min is the texts about it when he wasn't feeling well..... admittedly I think I expected him to dodge it though, ill or not. If he's not open to it then I think I have my answer.....

It sounds more like you are his booty call. Not part of a relationship.
Listen to him, he's really not that interested.

I should have been a bit clearer that we were together 6 months, split for 4 and have been back together for 10 so not 16 months continuously..... not sure if it makes any difference but it has to us as we sort of started again when we got back together.

Not to sound harsh OP but the first 1-12/18 months is meant to be the honeymoon period, all fun and breezy and not really that much work. If you’ve already broken up during that time and he’s getting antsy about future events that doesn’t bode well. It’s not necessarily ‘doomed’ but certainly red flags.

Troels but part of the issue is that there are lots of things that tell me he is into me. We have a lot of contact with each other, we know the ins and outs of each other's days, he is always telling me he loves me and sending nice messages. He's very affectionate when we are together, he's very consistent in wanting to see me and we have a really nice time together when we are together. It's definitley not a booty call and I do find it offensive that people would say that as 100% that is definitely not what this is.

Nothing more frustrating than a man that isnt upfront. Personally Id have dumped him months back.

We broke up because he didn't feel like he was ready for commitment. He contacted me 4 months later and said that he missed me, wanted to be with me and realised that as long as commitment meant being with me then 100% he is ready for it.

He sounds like a commitment-phobe

Blamenechange it is infuriating but I'm just as bad though as I really really struggle to say how I feel and what I want as it makes me feel vulnerable and I cry!! I just can't help it!! It's just something inside me when talking about me feelings that triggers emotions and tears.

I think you're going to have to wait until the manflu is cleared then have a proper chat with him. Try not to fret tonight, easier said than done, I know!

Ultimately people can give you their opinions but it’s your decision here. However the man you described:
Has been openly quite phobic about commitment in the past
Hasn’t really introduced you to his friends or family
Avoids answering your questions with any clear answers
Doesn’t want to go to formal events with you too far down the line or commit himself a few months in advance

If you can live with that and are happy to share your life with him, great. But if not, you need to consider what you want from a partner and if he meets that.

I wish I found it easier to talk about how I feel, ask the questions and put my feelings on the line. I'm already welling up thinking about it!! Whenever I do ask something or put myself out there more than usual, I just accept the answer and don't have a full discussion about it. I'm just scared of my own emotions and also need a lot of time to process things. I always come away with me feeling like I'm being unreasonable where of course I'm not.

The way you was talking, i thought you were both young...

He needs to grow up

No we aren't young. We are 33 and 40, kids separated and have histories which makes us who we are. Mine makes me scared of my feelings and unable to express myself and scared of rejection and his makes him what I think is afraid of commitment. I think that the issue is that he's worried about his kids going through another failed relationship and that's why he's scared to commit.....just in case it doesn't work out.

Maybe it's the fact it's a wedding that scares him! He's afraid it might give you ideas.....time for a serious talk op!

It doesn't sound like you're in a relationship to be honest Hun

He also sounds very immature

' Mine makes me scared of my feelings and unable to express myself and scared of rejection and his makes him what I think is afraid of commitment. I think that the issue is that he's worried about his kids going through another failed relationship and that's why he's scared to commit.....just in case it doesn't work out.'

Load of crap. Stop reading men are from mars, women are from Venus and bin him off. Find somebody who makes you feel loved and secure and doesn't make you justify a crappy FWB style relationship with psychobabble. You're too young to live your life like this.

Seeing as you are both single parents, sticking at the casual dating stage forever doesn't seem an unreasonable desire on his part. Plenty of my single parent female friends would consider that the perfect relationship.

He has told you pretty clearly that's all he's after. He even split up with you to make the point. Why won't you accept that what he says is the truth?

Cotton I don't understand what you mean? He has never said since we got back together that casual is all he wants? He whenever I bring it up says that he wants more than this, wants commitment, a future together etc and we only got back together on that basis as I've always right from the very beginning been very clear that casual isn't what I want.

I guess I am suspicious that he told you what he knew you wanted to hear.

I think you're seeing what you want to see, OP. You have to judge him by what he does, not what he says. And he simply doesn't want to factor you in to his life in any real way. I'm sorry, but I think you are just a stop gap for him.

So I finally saw him last night after not really seeing him this week. I mentioned the wedding and him being invited and he immediately spoke about it in the way that he was coming. I mentioned the christening too for the same people in 2 months time again he spoke as if he would be coming to that with me too so hopefully it's looking like my worries were unfounded. He's also brought up my birthday this weekend and wanting to book for us to go away somewhere which I thought is really nice. surely he wouldn't be doing these things if he's not planning on sticking about.