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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at this response?

74 replies

pleasecomebacksummer · 22/09/2018 23:41

I've been with my boyfriend for 16 months. We have taken things slow, don't love together and still have quite separate lives. We haven't met each other's friends or family yet.
Today I got an invite for a wedding in February and my boyfriend is also invited. I text him telling him. He replied with 'that's great but I'm dying' (he already told me he had a cold). I responded with 'you have 5 months to recover 🤣🤣🤣' he replied with 'I may still be ill then' I replied with '🤣🤣 that's a bit extreme'. He replied with 'I dunno, I feel pressure rubbish'. I replied acknowledging this but said it's 5 months away. He then changed the subject and said good night. Am I being unreasonable to feel like it was inadvertently trying to say he doesn't want to come? Or is he just being like this because he feels ill and is ages away so doesn't need to worry about it? To add a bit of context he never gives straight answers which I thinks he does to avoid discussing certain things, and I've also had concerns before about his commitment.

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasecomebacksummer · 23/09/2018 00:02

No it's not FWB. We are in a relationship on the basis of it being committed and long term. We are both separated and have kids.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 23/09/2018 00:03

I still think he's using you as a convenience. If he was really interested he'd give straight answers.

Ask him again in a couple of days and see what he says.

Not going would be a deal breaker for me.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 23/09/2018 00:04

So sorry to say this but I also think he has a secret life

Having said that the texts today were probably just him having a little joke but the wider thing of not meeting his friends and family is just not right. I know you say he hasn't met yours but they obviously know about him (hence wedding invite)

CherryRoseAnna · 23/09/2018 00:04

The way you typed the message I presumed you were talking about a younger bloke - conversation sounds a bit immature for someone with teenage kids. It's game playing. It would do my head in.

Kisskiss · 23/09/2018 00:05

On its own that text convo could be nothing but it definitely has my radar twitching as it’s been 16 months and you haven’t met his friends or family yet..
Unless this was your choice, in which case nothing to worry about?

Birdsgottafly · 23/09/2018 00:06

If he was committed he'd give straight answers and he would be going the Wedding with you, it would just be a matter of telling him the date.

The 'feel pressured' should ring alarm bells.

MrsJane · 23/09/2018 00:08

There’s slow and then there’s this...

I’m not sure either of you are really feeling it by the sounds of it!

Original poster
pleasecomebacksummer · 23/09/2018 00:14

It wasn't supposed to say pressured, it was 'pretty rubbish' or whatever it was.

He's supposed to be coming round tomorrow so I'll mention the wedding face to face and see what his response is like. I know what he's like when he's ill so not completely like of Character to not engage in any other conversation..... but I also know what he's like at not giving straight answers .

He's a tough one to crack as things are so great when we are together. There's no signs of him wanting to end things. He seems really happy with me and no he's definitley not with anyone else.

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 23/09/2018 00:18

I would have thought he meant he’s not sure if you will be tougher, so he doesn’t want to plan that far in advance. Which is honest, and as you have been taking it slow it is maybe not that big a shock?

Talk to him when he is better. Make sure you are on the sameness page

fieryginger · 23/09/2018 00:29

I don't think, if he's introduced op to his kids, that he has a secret life. Of all the people not to keep a "secret" it would be kids. Kids would tell their grandma for sure.

His commitment level needs to be broached though. Not on the basis of "I need to know if you're going to marry me down the line" - but, as you quite rightly point out, going to your friend's wedding isn't an abnormal thing for a solid couple to do.

Christmas is coming round before the wedding, that is a perfect opportunity to see about meeting family. If he has a problem with that too, then alarm bells should definitely be ringing.

Good luck op. Hope it was just crossed wires.

viques · 23/09/2018 00:41

He has teenage children? From the way you described him initially I thought you were both in your late teens but that he was very immature.

He sounds like a loser. I would lose him fast.

Shoxfordian · 23/09/2018 00:44

Doesn't sound like he thinks you'll still be together then

Cut your losses

BedtimeTea · 23/09/2018 02:23

When do you have to rsvp?

FairyLights99 · 23/09/2018 03:00

I think you’re overanalysing it. Most men I know don’t like going to weddings, especially when it’s not their own friends / family.

theworldistoosmall · 23/09/2018 03:16

A guy I know has his own place. His girlfriend, well ex, has her own place. He has fake SM profiles, no family and few actual friends - those chosen carefully.
He also had another GF who has her own place. And there was also quite a few randoms.
All of them went to his place. The gf's even had stuff in his house, which he packed out of the way when they weren't there.

It is a bit odd that in all that time you haven't met each others family or friends. There must have been some events where it would have been easy or even accidental meetings.

As for the wedding could be any reason, including not knowing where he will in then,

VladmirsPoutine · 23/09/2018 04:12

All your defending and reasoning of his frankly bizarre behaviour and responses lead me to think he's got you right where he wants you: dancing to his tune - making sure you don't upset and antagonise him. I'd personally get out of this quicker than a strike of lightening. Given you both are separated and have children I'd like to think this sort of 'he loves me, he loves me not' ended with primary school.

Limtedattention · 23/09/2018 04:15

That sounds a bit strange to me. What's he frightened of? Pressure from where?

MrsStrowman · 23/09/2018 05:30

I understand not meeting family at this stage, done people have very difficult family relationships or are not close to them/NC, but bit too have met any of his friends at all after 16 months is odd and he is fobbing you of about this wedding. Do you make any future plans together? I don't mean serious things, just holidays, trips, tickets etc? If not he really doesn't sound very committed.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2018 05:31

After 16 months a mature adult should be willing to go to a wedding with their partner even if they are not thrilled about it. If he isn't willing to do something so minor to make you happy, you really need to reevaluate this relationship. You aren't asking for a kidney ffs.

LanguidLobster · 23/09/2018 05:37

He sounds like hard work if he evades questions and doesn't show enough commitment

bubbles108 · 23/09/2018 05:45

To add a bit of context he never gives straight answers which I thinks he does to avoid discussing certain things, and I've also had concerns before about his commitment.

And yet in all your answers subsequent to your OP , you are defending him.

Which is it?

Is everything really ok in your relationship and was your AIBU just a bit of fun to pass the time?

Or are you genuinely concerned about your relationship?

generalexpert · 23/09/2018 05:59

Don't underestimate manflu!

Blondebakingmumma · 23/09/2018 06:11

Why is he hiding you?

Original poster
pleasecomebacksummer · 23/09/2018 07:35

I'm not defending him. Like I've said before I have had concerns about whether he's really committed before. I'm just adding context to the situation, ie he's always like this when he's ill.
I don't think he's hiding me par se as he does tag me in social media and there are pictures of me on his timeline so his friends and family will have seen those and see that he's regularly with me. I'll ask him face to face tonight when he comes and see what he says. If I feel brave enough I could use that as a tool to mention meeting each other's family's and see what his response is. I'm rubbish at talking about how I feel or bringing up subjects that make me feel vulnerable. I find it really hard.

OP posts:
bubbles108 · 23/09/2018 09:14

I'm rubbish at talking about how I feel or bringing up subjects that make me feel vulnerable. I find it really hard.

Im a great believer in 'everything happens for a reason'. So maybe this situation has arisen to help you face up to something about you which you need to look at?

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