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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm due next month and my relationship is over

26 replies

Babyshart · 22/09/2018 20:23

Not an AIBU I know but I just need to tell some one.

I'm a heavily pregnant, hormonal mess right now So if this doesn't even make sense I'm sorry, I just need some where to vent and I have no one irl that I can really confide it.

As the title suggests my long term relationship has come to an end today, no specific reason just a long accumulation of things that we don't seem to be able to fix and move on from any more. I have no money, no friends, no support, little family, no where to go. I'm just about to start maternity leave so money is tight. No savings, no where I can stay till I have saved up. It's my first baby, unplanned if that's relevant but I always thought I would stay childless, and to say I am panicking would be a monumental understatement.

I hate being alone, I can't be alone. My anxiety is through the roof at the best of times. I can't cope on my own.

I'm not sure what I expect anyone to say, there's nothing anyone can do I guess. Just hold my hand, some one.. please Sad

OP posts:
Mishappening · 22/09/2018 20:25

I'm listening here - no magic wands of course, but just listening.

I am sure that very soon there will be someone who has been in a similar situation and will have some helpful ideas for you.

In the meantime: Flowers

nervousseacreature · 22/09/2018 20:25

Holding your hand op. Speak to your midwife or gp, they may be able to get you some real life support. Do you have family or friends to confide in? X

KM99 · 22/09/2018 20:27

Hang in there. I'm sure there will be some MN posters soon who've gone through similar experiences.

For now we are here and offering a hand hold...

Original poster
Babyshart · 22/09/2018 20:28

No there's not really anyone tbh. Parents I have a very poor relationship with, I havnt seen or heard from them in weeks tbh. Friends.. not really, one or two but they get sick of listening to me moan I think. I have a midwife appointment soon, maybe I could mention it then.

OP posts:
Bellendejour · 22/09/2018 20:28

Oh gosh OP. Do you have friends or family who can help? Can you stay with him until you’re in a position to move out? You both just need to focus on the baby now and put the relationship stuff on the back burner. Or would that make things worse for you? Hope someone IRL can come and help Flowers

Bellendejour · 22/09/2018 20:30

Friends are meant to be there for you at times like this - I’m sure they will want to help. Do reach out to them. Can you see your midwife sooner than the appointment date? Or at least give them a ring?

Original poster
Babyshart · 22/09/2018 20:31

Most of my friends/ family and acquaintances are through my now xp as we've been together nearly 10 years on and off. Now he's out of the equation there is quite literally no one. I can stay here as a temporary solution but obviously it's not ideal long term.

OP posts:
tictac86 · 22/09/2018 20:36

You need to figure out what your entitled to benefits wise. Your midwife may be able to point you in the right direction. You will be just fine without him. You will make new friends, once baby is here go to groups for parents and babies. Its a great way to share advice and make friends. Im sorry i cant help more just couldnt ignore

Sophwalms · 22/09/2018 21:52

Feel awful for you, I'm due next month and i can't imagine your situation. Where abouts in the U.K. Are you? You could meet up with new mums on here x

3ChangingForNow · 22/09/2018 22:07

Oh Sad here to listen if you want to talk..

mayhew · 22/09/2018 22:24

I'm a midwife and had a woman in your situation this week. I referred her for support at the local Children's Centre. You can self refer. They are planning to
: link her to a support worker
: book her in to a benefits and housing advice appointment
: refer her for IAPT ( counselling ) support because of her history of anxiety.

She's already feeling a bit better.

Maybe you could ask for similar help.

namechangedagainII · 22/09/2018 22:27

Not an ideal situation of course BUT once that little baby arrives you will surprise yourself with how you cope. You will have that little person to love and love you back so won't be alone and they will give you the strength to do it and get through. Not saying it will be easy but it can be done. Thanks

smallchanceofrain · 22/09/2018 22:50

I was in exactly your situation 16 years ago. It was the toughest place I've ever been. I was lucky to have my mum and a good friend to support me. Although the latter lived a couple of hundred miles away.

First off, talk to your friends and family to see what support you can gather. I was surprised how much people were prepared to help me and how much sympathy I got from my ex's family and friends.

I was totally alone, my ex just disappeared from my life, but hopefully your baby's father will want to be actively involved in his child's life. You need to try to keep a line of communication open so you can negotiate how he's going to support his child.

Talk to your midwife and ask her to signpost you to local support services.

Check out Gingerbread (gingerbread.org.uk) and Single Parent Action Network (SingleParents.org). They have good advice and information. You can use the Gingerbread site to find out if there is a local group in your area. I went to my local group when I was very pregnant and totally overwhelmed. I found friends, advice and lots of practical help. I was inundated with offers of baby equipment etc.

If you can find a group for single parents please try to pluck up the courage to contact them. The friends I made at my group were the people who over the years have done babysitting, socialising (getting drunk and laughing and crying!), holidays, helped with DIY and generally just kept me sane. 16 years down the line I have a partner and another child but I still have my Gingerbread friends.

You don't have to be alone. People on MN will be here to talk and Gingerbread have an online forum where you would probably meet other women in a similar situation to yourself.

I can't think what else to suggest right now but you will find a way and you will cope. Let me know if there is anything you think I might be able to help with. Flowers

nervousseacreature · 22/09/2018 23:12

Op make sure you’re claiming everything you’re entitled to. (Citizens Advice Bureau or entitledto website may help)

Are you in Scotland? If so make sure you claim your baby box. And ring Child Benefit to get your form ASAP. Fill it out when you get it in the post. Then when baby is born you can just fill in name and DoB and send off with birth certificate.

Definitely speak to your midwife. Hopefully she can offer or signpost you to rl support.

Practically, have you got your hospital bag packed? Still holding your hand op, hope you get a decent nights sleep

Blondie1994 · 23/09/2018 00:40

I just want to say you are a very strong woman and that is a really tough situation you are in hope it all get easier fast x

Original poster
Babyshart · 23/09/2018 13:24

I've used a benefits calculator and when the baby is here I should be able to manage ok financially I think, but I'm can't claim whilst living with my xp. I need to move out to make a claim independently of him, but I can't afford to move out which is a bit of a dilemma really.

I don't think I have the confidence to go to a baby group tbh and I've no one to take with me the first couple of times until I get to know people.

I have my hospital bag all packed but who do I have with me at the birth now? I don't want to be alone, my mum and I don't have a relationship where I would feel comfortable with her there. Should I ask my xp? He hasn't been abusive at all through our relationship and our split is reasonably amicable, if very upsetting with a few bad feelings on both sides. Would it be wierd to have him there ?

OP posts:
Sophwalms · 23/09/2018 14:56

@Babyshart you do whatever you feel comfortable it's your birth you make the decision. Just think of yourself and your baby. Are you in U.K. Or Scotland xx

happinessischocolate · 23/09/2018 15:32

Go to your local council offices first thing tomorrow morning and explain your situation, they will be able to put you into bed and breakfast accommodation, and put you on the council house register.

happinessischocolate · 23/09/2018 15:34

If you're ex wants to be at the birth then great but if not you can cope fine with the midwife, my ex was useless during both my dcs births and it would have been easier without him there.

Original poster
Babyshart · 23/09/2018 16:09

I'm in the UK.

How long is it likely to take to sort out council housing and benefits etc, with the baby not being so far from making an appearance anyway and I'm worried the stress may mean she's here early potentially I dont know how well I'd cope in temp accommodation. Where will I put everything? The timing is just awful.

OP posts:
Sophwalms · 23/09/2018 16:29

It shouldn't take that long being so heavily pregnant. Just depends on the council where you live.. where abouts in U.K. Are you x

happinessischocolate · 23/09/2018 17:22

They can sort you out the same day with temp accommodation, how quick you get a council pace will depend on where you are.

What stuff do you have? You'll have to sort out storage for it yourself unfortunately.

You will be given universal credit (assuming you earn less than the limits) I don't know how long it'll take but you should be able to get an emergency loan, ask when at the council.

mayhew · 23/09/2018 17:46

Speak to your midwife, health visitor or Children's Centre. They will know what support is available locally. Some areas offer " birth buddies" volunteers for extra support.

nervousseacreature · 23/09/2018 18:41

I don’t think it’d be weird to have your exp there as long as it’s what you want. Whatever makes you feel most comfortable

Original poster
Babyshart · 26/09/2018 11:22

Thank you all for your advice and support Smile

I've been at mother and baby type groups in my area, just plucking up the courage to finally go to one. The few friends I do have still don't have children so I really do need to get over it and go just so I can build up a group of more child friendly friends I think.
God it's hard Sad

OP posts: